Looking Ahead to 2008

1. Will you be looking for a new job?
Yes! Ideally, I think I'd prefer to work with older students, even though I'm certified K-12. I'm not so sure what I desire location-wise, but I do know that I want to be no more than 45 minutes from a city. GradSchoolTown is nice, but I'd like to have more than a giant-size discount store in town.

2. Will you be looking for a new relationship?
I don't know if I'll really be looking, but I'd be more interested in meeting someone once I leave this grad school limbo stage.

3. New house?
Some form of new living quarters near new job would be helpful.

4. What will you do differently in '08?
I'm hopeful that my training and coaching in grad school will pay off and that I'll be better at what I love to do!

5. New Year's resolution?
None yet ... and I don't know that I will decide to officially choose something. I do want to be more consistent in my prayer and Scripture-reading. I've done very poorly lately.

6. What will you not be doing in '08?
I do not intend to consider any fluke opportunities for further education before I get a real job. On-the-job experience in my field is what I really need next.

7. Any trips planned?
Yes! New England for a conference, a visit to BestFriend's hometown a few thousand miles away over Spring Break, a brief choir tour to CoolCity (home to AlmaMater), possibly to a large midwest state on a tour with a different choir, and Europe on yet another choir tour. This does not include tomorrow's trip to BestFriend's home state!

8. Wedding plans?
Not for me ... but wedding bells will be ringing for about 5 couples I know.

9. Major thing on your calendar?
The trips, definitely ... beyond that? Not anything I can think of at the moment.

10. What can’t you wait for?
Like Katie, I want to see where I'll go this year. Where will I get a job? Where will I live? What other surprises will come my way?

11. What would you like to see happen differently?
I don't have a good answer for this one.

12. What about yourself will you be changing?
I will be unable to maintain my current sleep schedule. Oh well. :-) Getting up at 7 or 8 in the morning won't work so well if I have to report to work before 7am.

13. What happened in '07 that you didn’t think would ever happen?
I actually went on a Spring Break trip - to Italy- with BestFriend! An article of mine was published in a major national magazine in my field. A few months later, I traveled in Europe by myself before and after my studies abroad. I never dreamed I'd actually have those opportunities, and I'm still amazed when I realize that they actually happened.

14. Will you be nicer to the people you care about?
I'll try.

15. Will you dress differently this year than you did in '07?
As a GA, I'm usually dressed more formally than most of the professors at GradSchool. I plan to maintain my conservative and professional (and still flattering!) style when I'm teaching.

16. Will you start or quit drinking?
I don't drink often, but I don't plan to give it up. Margaritas and red wine are too good.

17. Will you better your relationship with your family?
Always striving for that.

18. Will you do charity work?
I'd like to, yes.

19. Will you go to bars?
It's possible, but the bar is not really my type of place because it strains my voice (too loud, sometimes smoky). I'm much more of the coffeeshop type.

20. Will you be nice to people you don’t know?
I hope so. I've already adjusted my driving talk- instead of yelling, "You idiot! Don't you know what a freakin' turn signal is for?!" I say, with all the saccharine sweetness I can muster, "Sweetheart, there's a little lever next to your steering wheel that's called a turn signal. Good manners recommend your use of the device!" BestFriend loves driving with me because this cracks her up.

21. Do you expect '08 to be a good year for you?
I can't expect that 2008 will be able to "top" 2007, but I am hopeful that it too will be a great year!

22. How much did you change from this time last year till now?
I'd love to say that I've grown up and matured more. Maybe I have in different ways ... but in other ways, I feel less so than this time last year. *shrugs*

23. Do you plan on having a child?
Not this year!!! Maybe sometime in the next decade.

24. Will you still be friends with the same people you are friends with now?
Some of the same, yes. I'm in touch with fewer people from AlmaMater than I'd expected, and even my closest friend from high school and I have rarely spoken. I think that most of my new friendships at GradSchool will not last beyond my time there.

25. Major lifestyle changes?
Leaving behind life as a student and moving out into the Real World!

26. Will you be moving?
Yup. My lease is up in May.

27. What will you make sure doesn’t happen in '08 that happened in '07?
I won't accept a new job (such as my current church job) without thinking about it first. I'm not satisfied or happy in my position, but I don't want to hurt those to whom I've committed my time.

28. What are your New Year's Eve plans?
BestFriend's party!

29. Will you have someone to kiss at midnight?
No, but I've never had someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's. However, I bought Hershey's kisses with the plan to share them with everyone at midnight!

30. One wish for '08?
To quote from "My Grown-Up Christmas List" (lyrics by Amy Grant, maybe?):
"No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start, that time would heal all hearts,
Every one would have a friend, that right would always win, that love would never end"

In summary: Peace. Love. Acceptance. Justice. Compassion. Understanding. Faith. Hope. And Love again, because it is the root of all of the others.

Post-Christmas Plans

Now that Christmas is over, I've got to get work done! On my list of things to do:
*Freelance transcription work (just finished this evening but wanted to include anyway!)
*Freelance arranging work (must be completed in the next week! Aack!)
*Portfolio compilation -- If I want a job after graduation, I better update this thing ... which hasn't been touched in 2 years. Ugh. Maybe I should make a pretty e-portfolio instead.
*Resume tweaking -- Need to add grad school information ... and ... contact professors from AlmaMater for feedback (I trust their guidance more in this area than GradSchool)

Also on my list:
*Traveling! 2 days of whirlwind fun with BestFriend & friends!
*Teaching- possibly visiting a nearby school to teach some music classes!
*Get applications from all local school districts!
*Fill out online applications for main teaching websites

*Spend time with family and friends

*Practice, study scores, etc.

*Sleep!

Merry Christmas!

A lovely Christmas at home! Received some practical gifts (a pretty calendar and a gift card for the one grocery store in GradSchool town), some tasty gifts (tea sampler, cookies), and a pretty gift (a mirror decorated with flowers)! :-)

Some of my ornaments on the tree:

Santa, perched on a basket:

One of the many beautiful poinsettias!

May you also be blessed during this holiday season! :-)

New CDs soon-to-be in my music library

I was with family members who purchased these in advance (with my input) ... and I believe I'll be seeing them again under the Christmas tree or from Santa :-)


*Manhattan Transfer Greatest Hits

*New York Voices (don't remember the title) -- I had a masterclass with one of the singers in this group a few years ago ... looking forward to more vocal jazz exposure

*Rutter's Requiem and Magnificat

*Frank Sinatra (don't remember the title -- but a 4-CD compilation of his pieces *sigh* which were purchased for $8 at Walmart! Seriously $8! The clerk saw that they'd been mislabeled as Beyonce when it rang up, but he looked at us, smiled, and shrugged. Sweet!)

*Anuna (actually 2 CDs of this Celtic choral group ... gorgeous sound)

My five hour drive back to school won't be long enough! :-)

A Christmas tradition

The Christmas tree is now decorated with our mismatched but meaningful ornaments. It has been a family tradition for each of us to receive a new ornament every year. When I was younger, my ornaments were usually animals or fairies; more recently, the ornaments have all reflected my interest in music. Eighth notes, a singer, a treble clef with a bell at the bottom ...

One of my favorite things to do at Christmastime is to snuggle up on the armchair in the corner of the room behind the Christmas tree. When I'm there, I am obscured from view and am somehow magically transported from the hustle and bustle of the household into my own serene cocoon. It's my ideal place for reading ... and I remember writing the opening lyrics to one of my songs while cozily sitting there. The sacred ambience is enhanced in the evening when the room is lit only the gentle glow of the Christmas tree and the moonlight from the window. *sigh* It's lovely.

A particularly witty IM conversation

Also known as an attempted ode to customization of one's personal computer

Estrella: oh how i love folders
CollegeFriend: yeah, exactly
Estrella: you too? i'm, like, in love with them. Making new folders to contain my files thrills me.
Estrella: I feel like I can really be organized
Estrella: when I'm really not so much

Four days until Christmas? Really?

Today's to-do list involves:

1) Mailing out my Christmas cards (which won't reach my cross-country or international friends in time, but it's the thought that counts, right?)

2) Mailing out my mother's Christmas letters (I don't ever remember meeting the people on the list who aren't biologically related to me, but they'll get to read all about my college graduation ("Summa!"- as my mother loves to tell everyone), publication, travels and grad school adventures. Lucky them!)

3) Running errands

4) Making some more Christmas gifts (including a scrapbook for my former piano teacher of all the composer/music-related pictures I took in Vienna)

5) Decorating the Christmas tree

6) Getting rid of the cough that's been nagging me since Sunday (slowly improving... at least I can talk now)

7) Wrapping gifts

8) Finishing some extra income work which I've been putting off

9) Hanging out with the family :-)


UPDATED in the evening:
1, 2, 3, 4 (not started), 5, 6 (still hacking), 7 (not started), 8 (a 5-minute attempt but couldn't force myself to work more), 9 ... and I finished my fourth book of the holiday break instead. No. Fifth. In ... 5 days. Easy reading though. :-)

On Blogging

Whenever I go home, I kinda forget about this little thing called the Internet. I'm not as obsessive about checking my email a million times a day, I don't read my favorite blogs every day ...

Wondering if I ought to start a links list? I think I'm a bit shy about asking all of those people if I can link to them. I love reading them but I don't comment much because I just don't know what to say. I mean, they're academics and artists and pastors and scientists and teachers and stay-at-home-moms and professional musicians. I don't think I read anything written by people who would be considered my peers, and I suppose that these people whose writing and ideas I appreciate and admire also intimidate me.

Or maybe it's that when I'm reading blogs, it's like I'm in the middle of several good novels, and I can't wait to see what's going to happen next. I've always loved reading, and I usually find myself in the middle of more than one book at a time. One book for home, one for school, one for rainy days, one for sick days, one for when I'm feeling discouraged ... that sort of thing. It's easy to forget that the bloggers are real people like me. I feel like I know them through reading their blogs when I don't in fact know them at all.

Then I wonder what my visitors think of me. One steady reader and occasional visitors. My writing style and my regular topics aren't always incredibly mature. Yes, I am twenty-two years old. I am in graduate school. It consumes my time, but I'm wary of giving too many details about exactly what I do or study. So I write about other things in my life ... crushes, friendships, wonders about the future. For people who are already living out their dreams, it's probably not incredibly exciting to read some college kid's description of experiences they've already had.

So why do I blog? Not because I expect to attract a large audience. Sure, more readers and more comments would be welcome because it's always pleasant to have others acknowledge one's existence. I suppose I like documenting my life. I enjoy looking back years later and laughing at something I'd written, re-experiencing a lovely memory, and gaining insight into my life at a certain age. It's also been therapeutic. I learn more about myself as I explore ways to articulate my thoughts. Even though my writing style on here is rather conversational, my formal writing tone has improved because of how I've learned to organize thoughts and quickly edit my drafts (although I don't proofread this blog as often as I used to when I first began it). I write because I've always enjoyed writing.

So if you're a regular reader or a visitor to this blog, welcome. Hope you enjoy what you read. It's just my life, but you're welcome here.

Saturday evening

Cute Boy never called me ... but ... I had the most wonderful evening! I went to a concert by my favorite musical artist. *sigh* His voice is so beautiful. It seems unreal that I actually got to bask in the warmth of that voice for a few hours. The time passed so quickly. I still have girlish dreams of marrying that man someday. :-)

Driving home tomorrow if weather permits. Can't wait. :-)

UPDATED WEDNESDAY: Cute Boy did email me back on Sunday morning. I got it that night but was too lazy to respond until today. Or last night. I can't remember which. Anyway, if anything develops, I'm sure I'll write more about him.

A boy story

So ... There was a cute guy in the community ensemble of which I was a member ... but he never seemed to notice me.

Well, one of my worst nightmares happened this evening- I FORGOT my music for a PROFESSIONAL gig. There was no way I could return home and retrieve it in time. Somehow my freaking out over this caught the guy's attention. He even helped me staple the photocopies that another kind member made for me at the last minute.

After the concert we chatted a little, and he even chose to sit with one of the college kids and me at the after-party. A few times when I glanced over at Mentor, she winked at me. At one point, I went over to briefly ask her a question (alas, cute boy went to go sit with his other friends shortly after I got up!) and she said to me, "You know, CuteBoy is kinda cute."

I laughed- she hadn't made such a bold comment to me before.

"I noticed," I responded, smiling. "and he's only 25," (I had thought he was older than that) "which puts him in the appropriate age range..."

She leaned in conspiratorily. "I think you should go for it," she whispered. I just smiled and nodded.

Cute boy never left his friends, and the other college kid ended up joining our table for a discussion. Kid also mentioned (without any questioning or prompting) that he thought Cute Boy was interested in me too ...

When Cute Boy was getting ready to go, he came over to thank Mentor and he said goodbye and shook hands with both Kid and me. I'd written out my number but was too shy to just hand it to him. Last time I did that, with CGFC last Spring, did not work out. He did call, but then forgot to call back when he said he would and never returned my message when he didn't call back. Anyway ....

Both Mentor and Kid said, "Aww, Estrella, you missed your chance!" But I had another idea.

Email. Much less intrusive. He can choose to respond or not. I wouldn't be seeing him again otherwise. And I had no other contact information for him. So .... I did send him a little email telling him I was gonna be in town tomorrow (to see my favorite celebrity in concert) and that I was planning on being there a few hours early anyway. If he wanted to hang out, he could give me a call at [my number]. I don't think he's the type to compulsively check his email (like I am) so he may not even get it in time ... but at least the ball's in his court and I made an effort ... and it should be obvious that I expressed some interest.

I'm hoping I won't get another one of those "I thought you were crushing on me" speeches like last month. Stupid whatever-his-blog-alter-ego-was boy. :-)

Aack! The time! Must sleep!

Thoughts on time

When catching up on emails last night, I listened to the Christmas music on my iTunes. When I checked out the "Last Played" feature while listening to certain songs, I was surprised to see that I hadn't heard some of the songs for 2 years. Where was I two years ago when I last listened to that carol? Probably in my dorm room as a first year RA, wearing my duty shirt and listening to carols while waiting to get a duty call requiring me to respond to a loud party or a lockout. What about that other Christmas tune that I hadn't heard since last year? What was going on in my life? I was student-teaching ... and perhaps I'd turned on the Christmas music as I wrote lesson plans or as I tried on my pretty outfit for my conducting debut.

Last year feels like a different life. My undergrad years seem like a distant memory even though that chapter of my life ended in May. Heck, even this summer seems so long ago. Five months ago today, I was celebrating my birthday in Vienna, one day before I checked into my 3-week seminar in Hungary. In seven months, I'll be on choir tour and I'll again be celebrating my birthday in Austria. If everything works out as it's supposed to, I'll also have graduated by that time.

Where will I be a year from now? How will my life have changed by then? December 14, 2008- what will you bring?

Slow Friday

Snowstorm came our way yesterday, leaving half a dozen inches of white fluff. Mentor had asked if Blue and I would be willing to come in and help her calculate grades. Knowing that I am wary of driving in wintry conditions, she picked us up on the way to school. When we arrived, she received an email that had been sent out by the school as we were enroute to the campus stating that the campus would be shutting down for the day due to the weather. Well, it wasn't so bad, and we stayed anyway to assist her. We even got to crash the faculty luncheon- yay for tasty free food!

Last night's dress rehearsal was cancelled so I hung out with two of the other GAs. Claus invited Blue and me over for dinner, drinks and movies ("Elf" & "Polar Express"- the book is sooo much better; I think the movie is kinda creepy). Pleasant quiet evening.

I've been bumming around today. Too lazy to get ready. Need to stop by student accounts. Once again, they neglected to factor my assistantship into next semester's bill. When that happened this semester, we calculated how much I would owe minus the assistantship. They did the math incorrectly, which I didn't realize until they tried to tack on a late fee when the full amount (including what was covered by my assistantship) wasn't paid on time. Then they said it was my fault that it was late, and they acted like they were doing me a favor by removing the late fee when I complained about their mathematical error. When I go in today, I will record the name of the person with whom I speak when I ask them to calculate what I really owe. Sigh.

After I take care of that and other miscellaneous paperwork chores, I've gotta clean my apartment. Do laundry. Write Christmas cards. Pack for home. Make sure my concert dress is clean and not wrinkly. Apply concert makeup. Drive to concert. Sing pretty. Return here to sleep.

Changes

Right after I posted last night, a friend from undergrad (a third year student) called me. I hadn't heard from him since we'd exchanged a few text messages around Thanksgiving.

He dropped out of the degree program. Last week. He said he'd realized it was no longer for him.

Wow.

He was one of the ones who I thought would actually make it through the music education program. I didn't actually see him staying directly in the field for his entire career (i.e. public school teaching), but he'd been so successful when many of his classmates had not.

In my experience at UGSchool as well as what I see here at GradSchool, it's normal for music ed classes to lose many students as the program continues. The class with whom I graduated began with 35+ kids, and about 18 of us graduated together. We were the largest graduating class in a number of years. My friend's former class began with the same amount and I believe they have under a dozen who will be graduating together.

Why does this happen? The program is tough. It's designed to weed out those people who want the ed degree as a backup if their performance career doesn't work out. The program is also challenging enough that people who don't have the necessary skills to teach music don't make it through. The piano exams tend to eliminate many this way. So many hoops to jump through, and if you don't jump high enough, you don't make it.

I was shocked when my friend said that he simply realized he didn't want to do this anymore and that he'd felt that way for a long time. Apparently he'd been too scared to do anything about it. I'm afraid that he burned out because he'd been so involved with a number of outside but related activities this semester (internships, assistantships), but I didn't tell him that. Instead, I told him that he was brave for making such a big change and that I supported him because I'm sure it had been difficult. He's not quite sure what he'll do next, but he's been unable to sleep at night because he's been excitedly considering all the possibilities out there for him.

To make a life change like that is tough. I can't even imagine it. Starting something as huge as a degree program and deciding more than halfway through it that I could no longer commit to it. One of my other friends from undergrad did that. After his first year at UGSchool, he transferred to a prestigious music program elsewhere. He loves it. I was really jealous at first because I was dissatisfied with the same things in our program as he was. It never occurred to me to actually consider leaving. As things turned out, I believe I was still more successful at UGSchool than I would have been elsewhere because I learned so much from opportunities exclusively available at UGSchool. At GradSchool, I'm now learning things that my friend is learning in his undergraduate program at prestigious school, but I have a better foundation in many other areas than he has, thanks to UGSchool program. He's specializing in the field without all of the background material, and I've gotten both. We're both happy with what we're learning and I believe we'll both be successful ... even if his school name likely carries more weight in our field.

Enough random thoughts. Must go prepare for finals.

Finals Week Madness!

No more classes (yay!), both parts of one final are done (yay!), and Godwilling I'll be home in less than a week!

On my radar this week:

TOMORROW
*Both parts of a final for another class
*Essay/paper for another final due tomorrow
*Teach private lesson
*GA outing (possibly dinner, cruising around town to check out Christmas lights, and likely wine and pie afterwards)

LATER ON
*Finish data entry for a prof
*Shopping & concert dress rehearsal
*Concert (in which I'm singing!)
*Concert (by my favorite pop star!!! I've been in love with him since high school!)
*Church
*Lots of cleaning
*Other errands


Also - I saw an ad on Craigslist. I might go caroling next week in HometownCity. Yay! I've just gotta call the choir's director and sing for him over the phone. So ... I better drink some orange juice and go to sleep so that my voice will actually work tomorrow!

Perfect Saturday

Slept in. Baked cookies. Cookies were actually better than the raw cookie dough. Devoured too many cookies but had milk (calcium=good for you) so the "meal" could be justified as healthy. Or at least that's what I told myself. I watched silly romantic holiday themed movies on Lifetime. I assembled Christmas gifts ... or at least as much as I could without having sufficient ribbon.

I'm almost on my way out the door to stop by the school to help out a classmate. From there, I'll drive over to the huge store to pick up more ribbon, orange juice, and other goodies. Then maybe I'll take my roommate out for BreakUp Drinks. Or maybe I'll write Christmas cards. Hmm.

The romanticism of a romantic composer

The other evening, I dined out with friends and some faculty members. At one point during the meal, the composer Schumann was mentioned. The musicology professor (who has a great sense of humor) then shared an intriguing tidbit.

"You know," he said, eyes twinkling, "that whenever Schumann and his wife made love, Schumann recorded it with a sixteenth note in his diary."

PartnersInCrime and I exchanged amused glances while the professor continued.

"They say that he chose a sixteenth note because it resembles the letter 'F' and ... well, you know what that stands for."

PsIC and I tried to keep from giggling as we again furtively stole glances at one another.

The professor concluded in a mockingly serious tone, "So many people think that being a musicologist is a boring job. They really have no idea what we actually study."

Sigh of relief

Blue and I agreed: From here on out (for this semster anyway), it should be smooth sailing!

A few minor assignments for one class, 1 paper in lieu of a final, 1 regular final, 1 conducting demonstration, 1 teaching demonstration. That's it! Even better? All of it will take place by Wednesday ... which means that (hopefully!) I'll have free time to relax, clean my room, do laundry, cook, wrap Christmas gifts, write Christmas cards ... before I go home for the holidays the following Sunday.

Other things I'm happily anticipating (besides going home):
*Concert by my favorite musical artist (!)
*Parties at two professors' houses for the student organizations they sponsor
*Christmas caroling!
*Driving to see the Christmas lights in town
*Having time to read!
*More sleep
*Flying to BestFriend's HomeState to see her, her husband, and mutual friends over New Year's (she offered to pay half my plane ticket and I already had a discount voucher for the airlines, so ... it worked out wonderfully!)

And now? Sweet dreams. :-)

Waiting for pressure

Last week, OverachieverGA (I give him this nickname lovingly because we really are friends) comes bounding into our class.

OGA (teasing): Guess what Estrella?
Me (mockingly bright): What, OGA?
OGA: Nine pages.
Me: What are you talking about?
OGA (waves paper in my face): The project that's due next week for this class, that's what I'm talking about.
Me: I see.
(pause)
Me: Well, I think PartnersInCrime and I will probably be having a party the night before it's due. We don't have time this week or this weekend because of all our concerts.
OGA: (laughs)
Me: You're invited if you want ... even if you've already finished!


A few days later, Professor of class for which project was assigned approaches Blue and me.
Prof: Have you guys finished your project yet?
(We looked sheepishly at one another.)
Me: No, not yet.
Prof (possibly teasing but not totally readable): Have you started?
(Another sheepish glance is shared.)
Blue: Not quite.


Yesterday in the hallway, Prof approaches me.
Prof: Estrella, have you completed the project?
Me: No, I'm still working on it.
Prof (not teasing but unreadable): Please don't pull an all-nighter.
Me: (silently cursing OGA for spilling the beans about the party PartnersInCrime and I had planned)


Well, I did hang out at PIC's apartment to work on the project (because I can't concentrate on my own!) for a few hours last night. I did manage to finish the assignment AND got several hours of sleep. Unfortunately, one of my eyes keeps tearing up, so I probably appear as though I didn't sleep. That's what I get for wearing too much concealer in an attempt to cover the darkness under my eyes from not getting enough sleep since Thanksgiving! Time to print out the assignment and get more caffeine!


Updated after class:
Prof: So did anyone pull an all-nighter last night to get this project done?
All students: Nope!
Prof: ... cuz that's what I would have done. (smiles)
Me: Oh, so that's why you told me not to do that!

Frazzled but surprisingly peaceful

The weekend flew! I can hardly believe that the major milestone of the concert weekend is now over. Now, in the next 2 weeks, I get to look forward to 3 finals, 1 quiz, and 2 major assignments. I can definitely survive that. As long as I am careful about my cookie dough and caffeine intake. It probably didn't help that Blue and I each devoured a frozen pizza this evening. (So unhealthy ... but so delicious. So what if it contained 37% of my suggested daily intake for saturated fat? *gulp* I can justify it partly because it contained 25% calcium and some vitamin A ... and protein ... and something else ... oh, iron.)

Ugh, I'm so exhausted after this weekend that my thoughts aren't even making sense to me and my fingers keep typing the wrong words. I keep having to backspace to form some sort of coherent thread through this entry. I think I need a glass of water ("pizza thirst") and sleep. 'Night.

Concert Checklist

*Choirs prepared? Check

*Bought new black pantyhose? Sort-of check. They only had "off-black" in my size. What the heck is off-black anyway? I've heard of off-white ... but off-black?

*Examined dress to make sure it is free of wrinkles and smudges? Nope.

*Darkened makeup for the stage? Not yet.

*Attempted to put hair up in French twist? Not yet.

*Applied scentless lotion? Not yet.

*Eaten dinner? Check.

*Brushed teeth? Not yet.

*Compiled a precious bag of necessities (mints, bottled water, Vitamin C drops, bobby pins, extra lipstick/chapstick)? Not yet.

*Decorated myself with conservative but pretty jewelry? Nope.

Time remaining until concert: 90 minutes

Time until I must leave for the concert: 18 minutes!!! Aaaaack!!!!!!!!

---

Updated 6 hours later: It went well!!! :-)

Concert Week

Drinking water with Airborne, trying to get more sleep, trying to wake up earlier to be more productive, wondering what I'm doing wrong when I feel like I have tons of free time, realizing I have a HUGE paper due next week, anticipating zero downtime, attempting to stay healthy, cramming in practicing, and praying. A lot.

Three concerts this weekend.

HUGE paper next week.

Then ... finals ...

OH NO! I just remembered an assignment due tomorrow ... and all of my work is in my office. I don't have time to get there before the building is locked this evening! No!!!!! I guess I'll have to try to get there as early as possible- before I have to report for work at 8am! *sigh*

Sighing after a breath of fresh air

Yesterday's drive back to school passed very quickly. I listened to Christmas tunes on the radio, caught up with BestFriend and a few other friends, and enjoyed being serenaded by Josh Groban's new holiday CD. I had to stop for fuel early on, and I visited the grocery store in town to pick up bread and milk before I headed back to the apartment. When I pulled out of my driveay at home, my car clock read 4:44. When I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment complex, my clock read 9:44. Hmmm. Exactly 5 hours.

I unpacked and composed 2 To-Do lists. One is a generic one of things that need to be done before I leave for Christmas break (vacuum my room, organize receipts, etc.) and another is my list for today! The break rejuvenated me ... and I hope that I maintain this peaceful, motivated attitude until it's time to return home again!

Magic and fairytales

I grew up during Disney's Golden Era when animated masterpieces were released every summer. The Little Mermaid (1989) is the first movie I ever remember seeing (and it has been my favorite movie ever since then). We'd flown to Arizona to visit my aunt and her husband, and I remember settling down on the floor of their living room with a big tub of popcorn to watch Ariel and her friends swirl around on the screen.

My sister and I (and later our brother) looked forward to each new movie. Aladdin. Beauty and the Beast. The Lion King. We weren't as impressed with Pocahontas, but MuLan was awesome! We caught up with the classics (Robin Hood, Cinderella, Snow White, etc.) on Beta/videotapes and on the Disney channel.

A childhood dream of mine was to grow up and be the voice of a Disney princess. I wouldn't be surprised if the Disney movies influenced my love of singing and music. And ... it's quite likely that they've affected my views of relationships.

When I was a teenager, I desperately wanted my first kiss to happen while I was watching The Little Mermaid with a guy. He'd hear the song "Kiss the Girl" and decide that was the right moment. To me, this would have been incredibly romantic. Now I think back on that and chuckle ... because my first kiss definitely did not have the magic that Disney kisses seem to have. (When I returned to my dorm room after that first kiss, I woke up my roommate and burst into tears because it wasn't the fairytale kiss I'd always imagined!)

So ... naturally, when I saw previews for Enchanted at a movie I saw this summer (Becoming Jane, which I loved), I was quite giddy. A Disney princess- in real life? (Well, in live-action) Great! A non-animated portrayal of a dream I'd nurtured since childhood! I made my sister promise that we'd see it together over this break. When I called while driving home on Wednesday, we made plans to see it that afternoon.

I LOVED IT! There were several spoofs on the classic movies (i.e. playing the theme music from The Little Mermaid while the main character stood near an aquarium, characters randomly breaking into song, helpful animals, etc.), and parts of it were incredibly cheesy. My sister pretended to roll her eyes, but her smile revealed that she enjoyed it as much as I did. It's a must-see movie for anyone else who has (secretly or not) harbored the dream that her life will turn out like a Disney fairytale. :-)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Regarding the last post- I went. I figured, "Why not?"

I've never felt the urge to re-experience high school, but honestly, I don't really remember it that well. I'd have to re-read my journals from that era to really remember all that I did. I love doing that ~ stepping into my mind at age 16 and recalling whatever it was that was so important to me at that age! Sometimes I'm amazed at the insight I had, and other times I can't help but smile at my teenage musings. I wouldn't be surprised if re-reading this blog in a few years causes me to reflect in the same way.

Anyway, I had fun last night. Many, many people showed up at the tiny, cramped bar. We didn't really talk about high school at all. It was fascinating to find out what people have been up to in the last 4+ years. Someone's working for NASA. Another is in real estate. One person had dropped out of college and is presently working as a plumber. Several others had opted to go to grad school directly after undergrad, as I had. One person already has a job offer abroad for when she completes her graduate work! (I'm slightly envious of that!)

I successfully avoided karoake even though many people remembered me for my singing and told me I had to sing. Whenever a person made this remark, I'd held up my drink for the individual, smiled playfully, and said, "Not tonight."

I know it comes with the territory of being a vocalist, but I really don't like when I'm asked to sing spontaneously. So I usually refuse. While I have many excuses on hand for situations like that (such as, "Sorry, I've gotta warm up my voice before I sing" or "I'm not hydrated enough" or "Pop music isn't in my repertoire"), my additional excuse was that last night, loud music forcing me to talk loudly + not enough sleep the previous night was causing me to lose my voice.)

Some of the guys have become more attractive since high school. Admiring glances and unexpected hugs (not creepy hugs, but normal hugs) led me to believe that they'd noticed how cute I looked too. It reminded me of when my first boyfriend (we began dating at the end of our first semester in college) asked me incredulously upon learning that I'd never been asked out before, "What was wrong with the guys at your high school?" :-) Maybe they're finally learning.

While I still have no desire to relive high school, I did enjoy re-meeting people I grew up with and getting to know them as the people they are now. I'm hoping that they'll also remember me as they met me last night: confident, bright, cute, successful, and no longer the shy mouse they thought I was back in high school!

Choices, choices

I was invited to an event on Facebook. Lots of kids from home (none of them close friends) have confirmed their attendance at said event. Which is tonight. At the local bar. (I didn't even know we had a bar in this town.)

The only bar I've really ever been to was in Hungary. I went with my friends from the seminar because I heard the cute Swedish guys were going to be there. (Speaking of Facebook, one of the cute Swedish guys sent me a message the other day!) I had a positive bar experience. :-)

Aack! Should I go and enjoy the chance to catch up with people I haven't seen for years? Should I stay home and watch my favorite new show this season? (Private Practice)

Going would require redoing my makeup (because I just cut up an onion for one of tomorrow's dishes) and my hair (because it's yucky at the moment -- can't wait for my haircut on Saturday!) ...

Not going would mean I get to take off my makeup and put on pajamas ... Hmmm ....

Counting down the last few hours till break

This morning's post? I think I was amused only because I had not gone to sleep yet. I survived the abbreviated day on one hour of sleep and enjoyed a two hour nap this afternoon. When my alarm went off at 5:30, I was thoroughly confused, I thought it was 5:30 tomorrow morning!

Now I'm in the process of changing out of my oh-so-comfortable pajamas and back into my professional GA clothing for my last class of the week! Well, by "in the process," I mean that I'm merely thinking about it as I try to figure out other ways that I might procrastinate before getting ready to go to the evening class.

Godwilling, I'll be on the road in 12 hours (before sunrise!) to beat traffic in the more congested areas. The drive should take about 5 hours, but I'm not sure what it will be like on scary-holiday-traffic day. I'm looking forward to having a break in the middle of my drive ... in the form of breakfast with a friend. :-)

Another note for those following the story of FC: We played phone tag until he reached me yesterday morning on his way to work. He was concerned for my feelings, and he seemed relieved that I don't harbor any ill feeling toward him. We were quite chatty on the phone. It looks as though we may even become friends. Who knows?

A little ironic?

I just pulled my first nearly-all-nighter-but-hopefully-will-manage-one-hour-of-sleep this evening/morning. The assignment is for a class I have with Mentor.

I admit- I did procrastinate. However, not many of my classmates can say that Mentor helped them to procrastinate. On Sunday, I attended an out-of-town event with Mentor which kept me from home for 10 hours. And this evening? Blue and I had another out-of-town event ... and Mentor suggested we stop for food on the way back to our town. When she later remarked that the delicious treats we'd just enjoyed might prevent her from falling asleep, we didn't mention that we were certainly hoping it would help to keep us awake- as we completed work for her. :-)

Eh, sleep is calling!

Almost Winter

Yesterday morning, I was running late for church. I finally gathered all the things I needed to take with me and flung open the door! As I took a step outside, I held my breath and looked around me. There was a gentle blanket of white over everything. So. Pretty.

Immediately, my stress over leaving late melted away. I put my belongings in my car, brushed off the snow, and easily started on my way. As I drove, I couldn't help but spontaneously sing.

"Sleighbells ring, are you listenin' ..."

I didn't even know what lyrics I was singing at first; I recognized them as being from a Christmastime song. As I reached the refrain, I finally realized what I was singing ..."Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland." I continued serenading myself as I drove past the glistening trees and the frosted landscape. Gorgeous.

Continuation of last Sunday's story ...

... which you may read here:

BoyFormerlyKnownAsNewCrush (FC) and I had class together this week. I'd gotten over my annoyance with how he'd handled things on Sunday, and I was now thinking of him in a completely nonromantic but still friendly light again.

I walked in just as class began, and my friend was sitting in my normal seat next to FC. I took a seat on the other side of my friend without saying anything. When we had our break in the middle of the LONG class, I talked with Friend. FC was paying attention to the conversation and I glanced at him maybe once or twice. I smiled in a friendly manner but didn't linger in the glance. I was not going to give him any indication that I was still interested because I was no longer interested.

After class, he engaged the professor in a discussion and my friends and I made plans to hang out that evening. We left, and I didn't get the chance to say goodbye to FC.

I was quite pleased with myself. I'd acted normally and professionally (and even friendly!) despite the humiliation I'd suffered a few days earlier.

Yesterday, I thought I'd left my cell phone in my apartment but discovered it in my coat pocket when I was preparing to leave school. I discovered I had a voice mail and saw that I'd missed a call from FC. Hmmm. I was very curious, so I listened to the message as I got in my car.

"Uh, hi, this is FC. Um, I kinda felt like you didn't want to talk to me the other night in class. You know, I enjoy talking with you and I didn't mean that we couldn't talk or hang out or anything. So, uh, maybe we should talk about it. You can call me back whenever."

Hmmm.

I didn't call him back last night. I can't help but wonder why he felt the need to call me. I had not been cold to him at class, but I certainly had not been about to flirt with him as I had before. Before Sunday, I had been less guarded because I detected interest on his side. I understood that some guys don't act on their interest unless they're certain that the interest is mutual. After Sunday's revelation, I instinctively became more guarded. He [inadvertently or not] had toyed with my feelings, and I wasn't going to let him do that again.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to him. I came up with different things as I drove to my teacher's house for dinner, but none of them seemed right.

Sarcastic response:
"Uh, hi, FC. I hate to break it to you, but you told me you weren't interested last week. So, uh, I wanted to make it clear that I was no longer interested in you. Glad you got the hint."

Oblivious route:
"Hey FC. Nope, I wasn't intentionally acting any differently on Wednesday. I walked in as class began and had plans afterwards, and I thought I remembered that we did talk- during the break, right?"

Overly honest/perhaps still harboring bitterness approach:
"Hi FC. You know, the reason I allowed myself to show my interest in you before was because I detected interest on your part. When you told me after we'd been hanging out on Sunday (and again, I sensed that you were interested in me) that you were already seeing someone, well, how did you expect me to respond? You got me to confirm my interest in you before you decided to tell me you were unavailable. That was less than kind. I've cut you some slack because you're male and because maybe you really were trying to do the right thing by telling me; you just screwed up your delivery. So I was friendly but not flirty on Wednesday. Many girls might have completely ignored you, but I didn't. Sure, I didn't try to make eye contact during the lecture, but I was engaged in the material. During the break, we did talk, didn't we? And now you call me, and I can't help but question your motive. I wasn't cold nor was I ignoring you, but you sensed a change in my demeanor. Yeah- I wasn't flirting with you nor was I showing any interest in you beyond that of a friend. What did you expect?"

#1 is what I sometimes think I'd love to say, but it's just not me. I'm not mean. It's fun to come up with sassy responses, but I wouldn't say that to someone.

#2 is what I'll probably end up saying. The problem is that it doesn't address the larger issue. I did act differently, and I would feel dishonest by pretending otherwise.

#3 is what I'm currently thinking, but it just reveals too much and sounds accusatory. Not good.

Not calling is not an option because I respect that he called even if I question his intentions. Maybe I should let him offer up an explanation of why, if he suspected my interest, he didn't bother telling me until we were parting on Sunday?


UPDATED 12:15am Sunday
So ... I shared with BestFriend. I figured she too would question his motives, but instead she suggested that he really was concerned for my feelings after last Sunday. I decided she was right. He is a nice guy who just happened to goof up. So I called him this evening as I was driving back from dinner out with a friend.

"Hey FC, it's Estrella. I got your message from yesterday and wasn't able to call until now. I wasn't purposely avoiding you on Wednesday, but I was really busy. You know, I did come in right when class started and I had made plans for afterwards. I wasn't trying not to talk with you. If you still want to talk about it though, you can give me a call and hopefully we won't have to play phone tag! Or I'll see you at class next week. If I don't talk with you before then, hope you enjoy your Thanksgiving. Bye!"

He called back not too long after I left him the message, but I asked if I could call him back tomorrow because I was just pulling into the parking lot of the performance venue I was attending. He agreed that was fine. I don't know what else he wants to say, but I'm willing to listen and be more open than the first part of this entry might suggest.

Stream of consciousness on unworthiness

When I read the post at RYS about Impostor Syndrome, I was surprised I identified with so much of what was written. Granted, I'm not a professor or anything ... but I do feel as though I'll someday be discovered as a fake.

I might look impressive on paper, and people respond well to my sweet demeanor ... but I can't help but feel that they'll see that I'm lazy. I haven't accomplished nearly enough. I'm not making progress as quickly as I ought to be. I procrastinate. The quality of my work isn't what it absolutely could be. They'll see that I sometimes let my irritation get the best of me. Sometimes, I seem to enjoy wallowing in grumpiness. They were deceived by my resume, and now they're stuck with me. They just haven't realized yet that I'm not nearly so qualified as paper says I am.

For the most part, I'm able to ignore these feelings of inadequacy. Compliments and sincere remarks regarding my work and me as a person help to neutralize the poisonous thoughts. I must be doing something right if people praise me. I enjoy what I do, which is great, but I need to be careful that I'm not living in such a way that I'm constantly seeking the approval of those around me.

The opinion of only One matters. I still occasionally struggle with intense emotions regarding my unworthiness of His treasure. Then I sigh, take a deep breath and a step back, remind myself that no one can be worthy, and thank God that He accepts me and loves me despite my myriad flaws.

Time to party!

Just kidding. Well, almost. :-)

Today, Mentor will be out of town. PartnerInCrime and I get to run the show! Fortunately, there are only 2 classes today. One is a regular session (which we would have mostly taught anyway because we're covering the material that Mentor assigned us to teach), and the other class simply involves facilitating student presentations which will be recorded. Oh wait- actually, there are 3 classes; I get to take attendance for the third class, but I won't have to stay because the students are responsible for running it themselves.

And now?

Off to go do some research for one of my assignments (finding IPA for Latin text - easy, doing harmonic analysis of the piece - should be interesting) ... and prepare for office hour, rescheduled voice lesson, teaching, etc. I love Fridays!!!

Bathrooms have great acoustics for singing*

After I washed my hands in the ladies' room just now, I walked over in front of the full-length mirror on the wall. As I admired my outfit, I was struck by inspiration. What an excellent place to practice my conducting for the class exam today!

I stood in front of the mirror and audiated the piece while I conducted. I could clearly see my whole body, and I was focusing on limiting extraneous movement. Everything I desired in the music needed to come from my face and upper body. I had 1-2 memory issues (as I had not thought to bring my music into the bathroom with me and we're not required to have the piece memorized), but overall I felt as though I was making progress!

Then another girl walked into the restroom. That was the end of my practice session, even though she completely understood when I sheepishly admitted I'd been practicing. :-)

*When I sang in a ladies' quartet several years ago, we used to end our rehearsals in the restroom. We'd sing our repertoire in there because the live acoustics enhanced our tone quality. We heard our mistakes more clearly, and the sound inspired us to add and fine-tune nuances in our repertoire.

Little things

During the first month of classes, I checked out three books of sheet music from GradSchool Library. My voice teacher had asked me to learn some pieces by certain composers, and I was delighted to find their music in the library.

I faithfully renewed them twice and remembered that they were due back sometime in November. Then I forgot about them.

Last week, I received a letter in the mail informing me that I had overdue items. Oh no! I had THREE books! What kind of fee might I have to pay? I was running low on cash (which meant I might have had to break the large bill my aunt gave me in September- that was my emergency money).

Slightly ashamed (because I've never had overdue books!), I walked into the library the very next day. I dutifully waited at the front desk while the librarian served another student, even though the book drop-off was located on the other side of the building. I didn't want to take any chances of it not being checked in at the earliest possible moment!

"I'm sorry," I said as I put the books on my counter when my turn had arrived. "I checked these out awhile ago and just got an overdue notice. How much do I owe?"

The young woman greeted me and scanned the books. She started to put them away. I asked her again,

"How much do I owe you?"

She looked at the computer and then looked back at me.

"Nothing," she said.

"Really? Even though they were late?" I asked incredulously.

"Yeah, this was the first time right? I think we have some sort of grace period. If it were to happen again, you'd probably get a small fine, but since this was your first time, you don't owe anything today."

"Wow," I replied, surprised. "You just made my day. You're my new best friend for the day!* Thanks! Have a good day!" I chirped as I walked out of the library with more confidence than when I had entered.


*"You're my new best friend for the day!" is an expression my mom says whenever someone has done her a favor or gone out of their way to be helpful/pleasant. For example, if a coworker calls to tell her that her place of employment is overstaffed and she doesn't need to come to work, she'll use that phrase. When the man from whom we get our spring flowers and Christmas tree gives her a discount on the price because she's a loyal customer, she'll use the expression. If she ends up paying less than what she's expected at the store (as in- an item is on sale and she wasn't aware of the lowered price), she'll say this to the store employee. My sister and I used to be slightly embarassed, as kids can be, when our mom would gush over things like that. While I've used it with friends and acquaintances rarely, not once have I said this to a complete stranger before! I suppose I'm starting to become like my mom. :-)

Why I hardly slept last night

Students at this music school have a weekly mandatory-attendance schoolwide masterclass. Last night, the students ran their own (non-mandatory) Midnight Masterclass. Unlike the normal masterclass, students did not dress formally or perform their most challenging repertoire. Many didn't even perform on their primary instruments. Instead, attire for most performers consisted of jeans & a T-shirt and repertory represented many genres including jazz, pop, country music, and musical theatre. The atmosphere was light-hearted and convivial.

The program included the standard "Piano Man" (sans harmonica) and students in the audience swayed while holding up cell phones and lighters. One kid improvised a waltz on the piano which referenced a certain vocal warmup we use in choir. Someone else (a tenor) wrote a song poking fun at voice majors and our silly habits (wearing scarves to "protect our instruments," drinking herbal tea, being on "vocal rest," etc.). Others also performed original material, accompanying themselves on a guitar or playing with their own band.

I didn't see any faculty members or other GAs there, and I probably wouldn't have gone either if my chamber group hadn't been invited to perform. I'm glad I did end up going; laughing and connecting with others significantly reduced the stress that everyone in this building has been battling as we count down the days until the break!

A post in numbers

Zero - Number of remaining unopened TaB sodas in my possession at the moment (These are a special treat from home, and the soda serves as my "comfort food" when I'm missing home. Unfortunately, it's not sold in any grocery stores in this area)

One - Score I need to order and analyze by next week

Two - Pieces I will be presenting at our upcoming concert

Three - Weeks until said concert

Four - Activities already planned for my Thanksgiving Break (family dinner, shopping with mom/sister, concert, hair appointment)

Five - Days of Thanksgiving break

Six - Not yet completed components of my assignment due tomorrow (Pressure is on for these to be STELLAR since my last assignment for the same class was less than perfect)

Seven - Days until I get to drive home!

*sigh* Can't wait until the break!

Insight into academia

A few weeks ago, I was asked by a colleague of Mentor's if I'd be willing to take on some extra work. The "project" required me to use my technological skills to enhance some graphics for the colleague's book manuscript.

At first, he couldn't open my attachments of the graphics in their format; his email program simply displayed the graphics within the email instead of as separate attachments. I solved this by inserting the graphics into a Word document, and he has been quite pleased with the results. Although I've offered to find an alternative way for him to access the files so that he wouldn't have to go to the trouble of converting them back to the file type I'd created, he wrote back,

"I will cut-and-paste them tomorrow (the most important things to survive in academia we learned in Kindergarten!)"

Unexpected turn of events

This references the previous entry and a few entries before that (coffee out with NewCrush after class & so forth).

I took about 20-30 minutes to gather my study materials before I made my way to the library. (It was also during this time that I couldn't help but post the previous entry!)

After I had hung out with NC on Wednesday and sent him that quick email on Thursday, I had thought that he probably wasn't interested like I'd thought because he hadn't responded. Green thought NC was interested, based on how he'd acted around me in the past few weeks. Getting that call from him this evening renewed my hope- I was positively giddy!

When I arrived at the library, we chatted as we worked on our assignments. Conversation was not limited to our study topics, and we kept finding new things we had in common. He leaned in close when he glanced over my assignment, and he was definitely flirting with me. He teased me (and I teased back) and he laughed when I squirmed (the chill in the room caused me to shiver every once in a while). He explained he'd been camping with local scouts this weekend, and I figured that's why he hadn't responded to my email. We continued to laugh and poke fun at one another, while still getting a decent amount of work done.

When he'd gotten the research he'd wanted and I had gotten all the information I needed from the library, he said he was gonna head out. Was I leaving too? He'd walk me to my car. (Awww!)While it probably would have been better for me to stay there to write (because I'd probably concentrate better there than in my apartment), I decided to take him up on his offer to walk me to my car.

So we kept walking and talking, even when we got to my car. A few more minutes of conversation, and he said something about wanting to clear the air after last week.

"I'm gonna go out on a limb here," he said, smiling. Yay! Maybe he's gonna ask me out! I thought wildly.

"I might be making a fool out of myself," he continued, almost as though he were shyly looking for approval.

"Oh, I'm sure you won't," I murmured breathlessly, trying to bolster his confidence.

"Well, I kinda got the sense that you were, um, crushing on me last week ..." And his voice trailed off. It was now my turn to glance down shyly before looking back at him and nodding slightly, smiling.

"And," he went on, "I'm seeing someone at the moment."

WTF?! You just invited me to hang out with you, knowing that I was interested in you. You flirted with me for the last few hours. You gave me every indication that you were interested in me, you freakin' let me flirt back with you just so you could confirm your suspicions, and you prefaced this by saying you think YOU might feel like a fool?!

"Oh, OK." I said, almost apologetically. "I was trying to be subtle about it." I tried to say this brightly without letting disappointment creep into my voice.

Feeling flustered, he rambled on, "I mean, I'm really flattered... " I again mumbled something about having tried to be subtle, and he said something like, "Yeah, and I caught on" before mumbling again about being flattered.

To get us out of one of the MostAwkwardMomentsEver (although it might have competition with this experience), I swallowed my disappointment, flashed a smile, and said as cheerily as I could muster (without sounding insincere),

"Well, thanks anyway for studying ... and good luck on your assignment!"

Ugh!!!!! I do NOT understand boys. Maybe I should just swear off of them for the time being. Focus completely on my studies and pretend that boys do not exist. (Of course, I would have to make an exception for my partners in crime because otherwise, I'd have no friends here at all.) Grrr.

Trying to contain my excitement (!)

I was on the phone with my friend/mentor from home when my phone beeped at me to announce that NewCrush was calling!!! I was having an important conversation with my friend (if you pray, please pray for her; she is dealing with so much at the moment) and did not take his call. Thirty minutes later, I retrieved the voicemail he'd left me which stated that he was going to the library to work on our upcoming class assignment and he was wondering if I wanted to join him. *squeals*

I've never been asked on a "study date" before!

I've been struggling with motivation all this weekend and had not even started the assignment. This is a most excellent source of motivation!!!

I don't think I've ever been this excited to study before either! *giggle*

Updated layout!!!

Header was made in PrintShop and Paint. I'm not really an artist, so I was surprised that it actually resembles the idea I'd had in my head!

The picture on the right (of the pretty tree-lined path) was taken at Esterhazy Palace in Hungary this summer. The composer Haydn was employed at that estate for many years. Many of his more famous works were debuted at Esterhazy, including the Farewell Symphony. The prince of Esterhazy, also a musician, was quite pleased with Haydn's work. While many other patrons of that era commissioned certain types of works, Haydn was given a great deal of freedom in his music-writing. As a result, he is credited for his development of new musical forms including the symphony and string quartet.

Feeling out of touch

At the moment, I'm curled up on my bed, still in my pajamas, watching "Sleepless in Seattle" on TV. During the commercial breaks, there is an ongoing segment of toy recommendations for kids. One of the popular toys for the 6 to 9 year old group is an MP3 player outfitted as a barbie doll.

When I fit into that age bracket, I remember requesting books and a chemistry set. Hmmm.

Entry #200

So many things on my mind right now ... but I'll share the simplest of the thoughts from the whirling mass which is keeping me from sleep:

Thank goodness I've finally changed my hairstyle in the past few months. I thought my old hairstyle was flattering. In reality, as I've compared old and new pictures (the best examples I could find via an image search), I am appalled that I kept the old look for YEARS. No wonder people keep telling me I look young! I hadn't updated my fringe since I was in grade school!

P.S. Growing out the fringe is not the painful endeavor I expected it to be. Hmm, I hope my new(er) look isn't compromised when I visit my hairdresser over the holiday break!

Girl talk ... with boys

My two main partners in crime are both male, and I really don't have girlfriends here. I talk on the phone with BestFriend and my sister often, but it's not the same as getting together with female buddies to watch Grey's or to engage in silly girl talk.

Unfortunately for Blue and Green, this means that I have to talk to them about these silly girl things. They are up-to-date on my crushes and though they complain, they let me share my silly stories. In exchange, they tease me (sometimes relentlessly!) but it's always in good fun.

Yesterday, I asked Blue's opinion as to whether or not I should contact NewCrush.

"If you were NC," I asked, "what would you think if I sent a short & sweet email saying something like, 'Hey, I enjoyed chatting with you last night. Happy Thursday!'"

"Oh, that'd be fine. I bet he'd think it was nice."

"You don't think it'd make me look desperate or clingy or anything like that?" I inquired further.

"Nope. Go ahead and do it."

So I did. I think that if maybe I didn't signal my interest the previous evening, this would be a better indicator. I also figured that if he were truly interested, he'd respond. So I lamented to Blue and Green when he didn't. (He still hasn't.)

In exchange for my crushtalk, they proposed:

"Estrella, you should try to find an old guy. One with lots of money. Then you'll get to travel and have fun and you'll be free to find someone else in just a few years!" They went on this tangent for awhile.

"What, you want me to go visit a nursing home and pick up guys?" I responded sarcastically.

"They'll chase you, there's no doubt about it. They might be a bit slower though," Green added. Then he did an impression of an old man trying to hobble along after me in a walker, calling after me in a faltering voice, "Estrella! Come here, you sweet young thing!"

Girl talk with boys? Definitely different ... and amusing ... and surprisingly, almost as effective as talking with female friends. :-)

Results of the Skirt

Skirt-wearing yielded:
1) Snow. It didn't stick, but there were definitely tiny wisps of snowflakes floating from above. It was cold outside ... possibly too cold to wear a skirt.

2) Walking to the class (in which NewCrush [NC] is classmate), it occurred to me that I might appear to have dressed up for the occasion. It was too late to change. I hoped for the best.

3) During class: positive body language from him ... some shared smiles ... (And - there was a slight flush on his face when we smiled at each other too ...)

4) Class got out early! Super early! After our professor announced that she'd shared the material she'd planned for the evening, I talked across NC's desk to one of my partners in crime and suggested we all go out for dessert to celebrate getting out of class early. NC said he'd go, but PiC said he had other things to work on. I didn't get the chance to mention the outing to our other partners in crime ... so conveniently, it ended up being just NC and me.

5) NC and I went out and had a great conversation over coffee. (!) I really can't attribute this to wearing a skirt ... but ... I'm sure that my looking great didn't hurt either. :-)

When we parted, we both said we'd enjoyed having this chance to hang out. Then he said, "See ya next week!" *sigh* His body language and our conversation led me to believe he was interested (there was flirting on both sides) ... but if he were really interested, wouldn't he have hinted at getting together another time (and not just seeing each other in class)?

*sigh* I don't understand boys. Still ... I am quite pleased by the unexpected turn of events this evening.

Girly confession

One of my resolutions for this school year was to plan my outfits the night before so that I wouldn't have to waste 20 minutes trying to find something suitable when I'm less coherent in the morning. I have not been consistent with this (maybe 7 successful days out of several weeks of classes).

I've decided that tomorrow (really today, I suppose) I will wear a skirt. Even though it's cold outside. Even though it's been rumored that there will be rain (and possibly snow! I've never experienced snow before Thanksgiving!). Why? Because my current little crush is in my class which meets tomorrow. This is the only day of the week that I see him, and I want to look good. :-)

Small sigh

I just used up the last of my toothpaste that I bought in Hungary on my travels this summer. I arrived in Budapest 4 months ago today. Hard to believe all that has happened since then. :-)

Autumn leaves

I was hoping that I'd get into the habit of going to bed earlier after the time change so that I wouldn't really adjust. That way, I'd feel like I was sleeping in every day. (Tricking myself like this actually worked one year! It lasted for about a week, and I felt so rested!) Unfortunately, I think I've already adjusted, and I haven't done the going to bed earlier thing either. Maybe next year!

I took this picture last week when I went exploring with a friend. We hiked off the path and up to a bridge. Pretty, huh? :-)

I love my sister

Ever since we were in high school, my younger sister and I have revised each other's papers. Sometimes we'd ask our dad for assistance because he has excellent writing skills, but we tended to gravitate to each other for feedback. (We appreciated our dad's help, but ... quick questions often turned into long discussions and it would take us longer to finish our assignments.)

She and I talked on the phone today, and she shared some exciting news with me about her future career prospects. I'm so proud of her. As we've grown up, I think it has been difficult for her to see me excel in one concentrated area (music) while her many talents and successes (spread wider over many areas) made her career path less limited. Instead of feeling freer due to fewer limitations, she felt overwhelmed by the myriad opportunities ahead of her. Now, she is finally finding her niche ... and she's taking off!!! I'm so happy for her!

After she gushed about her new opportunities, she asked what I'd be doing tonight. When I told her I'd be hanging out with some friends for a few hours before going to bed, she asked if I might also have time to look over an essay of hers. (Done!) I think I should start my next writing assignment for my research class and ask her to return the favor. :-)

Warm & fuzzy

Last night, the music student organizations held a Halloween-themed party on campus. Green and I decided we ought to make an appearance.

My favorite part of the evening? Babysitting! One of the students had a baby this summer, and the sweet little girl has become the unofficial music school mascot. When the girl who had been holding the baby wanted to participate in the bobbing for apples contest, I offered to hold the little pirate. :-)

One of the guys in my choir saw me holding the baby.

"I bet this makes you want to have your own baby right now, huh?" He teased me.

"Nope!" I cheerily responded. "I love this- I get to play and dance with the baby, but then I can give her back to Mommy when the day is over!" And I cuddled and danced with the little girl for awhile longer before I finally returned her to her mother. :-)

Snippets from this past week

Halloween:
I didn't wear a costume, but I did wear an orange turtleneck. Most other students weren't wearing costumes, but one guy (whose persona radiates a future in higher ed) had a great idea for a costume: He wore some sort of hat/headband that had a piece of mistletoe attached to it. I asked him today how many kisses he received. His response: "Oh, a lot! Some from girls I didn't even know!" :-)

Yesterday:
After an exam in one of my performance-related classes, a classmate saw me in the hallway.
"Estrella, you kicked @ss today!" He said enthusiastically.
"Thanks," I said, taken aback and amused.
"Yeah, that was some major @ss-kickin'!" He repeated excitedly as he continued down the hallway. The randomness (and the kindness of it) made me smile. :-)

Also, yesterday was Blue's birthday. I found labels in my desk, and I made him a silly colorful sticker to wear which read, "Today is my birthday!" He groaned slightly when I asked him to wear it, but he dutifully wore it all day. I think he was secretly pleased with the attention it brought him.

The other members of our secret society (our bonding group of GAs) had a surprise get-together last night for Blue with cake and wine for all. Fun times! Oh, and an additional note: no more crushing on CuteBrassPlayer (too young for me, I think) ... and I'm now interested in one of the other members of our secret society. I enjoyed hanging out/talking with him outside the class setting!

And now? I think I need a nap. Busy weekend- 3 recitals to attend!

Happy Halloween!

(^My bulletin board last year when I was an RA) :-)

Grrr

My professor unlocked a classroom for a few other graduate students and me and told us to complete an assignment there. As we were moments away from finishing the assignment, some students began entering the room because their class was to begin in a few minutes. The other graduate students and I continued with our assignment because we needed literally less than 1 minute to complete the task.

Then the professor for the class came in (30 seconds later) and chided us for being in his classroom when he had a class to teach. In front of his class of undergraduates. Even though we'd been directed by our professor to use that particular room. So we immediately stopped (which meant we were unable to complete our activity as assigned, even though we had only seconds remaining) and vacated the room.

I did NOT appreciate being reprimanded as though I were a small child, especially in front of students I also work with. I was dutifully following the orders of my superior. There are professional ways of dealing with inconveniences (as that's what we were to him), and those who are professionals ought to respond in an appropriate manner.

On another tangent, I'm so tired of being disrespected because I LOOK YOUNG! It shouldn't matter that I'm a GA who LOOKS like a high school student. I ought to be treated in the same professional, courteous manner that I treat others! It's not like I dress like a child either. I dress in a very professional, modest, and conservative way so that I look older than my age! Quit telling me I look too young or that you can hardly believe all that I've accomplished because I still look like a child! I don't act like a child, so quit treating me like one!!!

Learned lesson

Choir members are supposed to report to the music room half an hour before the service starts so that we can go over our anthem before the service. Yesterday, they were not present and ready to sing until 15 minutes prior to the service. This was the first Sunday for which I was to direct the anthem.



I wasn't too concerned as the material was not that difficult, but I was a little disappointed that we weren't going to have as much time to prepare as I'd expected. I hid this, smiled brightly at the choir, and began,



"Good morning! Let's open with a prayer." Then, realizing that the pastor was there in the choir, I asked him if he wanted to be the person to pray for us.



"No, I think we should just sing." He said nasally.



I tried to conceal my shock and embarrassment as I mumbled, flustered, "OK, then let's just start the song."

---



I'm still appalled that the pastor flat-out refused my request to pray. If he didn't want to lead us in prayer, sure I could understand that. I wouldn't have minded leading the prayer, but I offered it to him so that he wouldn't feel slighted, as he IS the pastor after all. It was out of my respect for his position that I had asked him. Instead, I feel like he completely undermined my authority as the choir director by dictating how our music rehearsal ought to go.



I think praying together is a wonderful way to get peoples' hearts and minds tuned into worship, the reason they're at the church (!), so that we're able to minister more effectively to the congregation. It sets our egos and worries and everything else aside so that we can focus on our reason for being there: God. I realize now that my personal emotional reaction was based on my ego's response, but I still believe his response was inappropriate.



And now? My lesson's learned.



I won't ask him to pray.



Instead, I'll simply ask if the others will join me in prayer, and I'll lead it.

Silver & Gold*

Finished the cookie dough (see the previous entry) for breakfast this morning. *guilty grin*
~*~*~*~

After church today, I spent the afternoon with an old friend from UGSchool. Actually, he was really a friend of BestFriend's. I barely knew him for the short time we went to school together (I never remembered his name when I saw him), and I learned more about him from BestFriend's stories than from him. It shocked me when BestFriend told me last Spring (after I hadn't seen the guy for nearly 2 years) that he'd apparently had a major crush on me when he attended UGSchool.

At BestFriend's wedding this summer, I mentioned to him that I'd be going to GradSchool and discovered that he didn't live too far away. We decided we'd try to get together sometime during my year here.

Today was that day, and a lovely day it was! Unfortunately, the wonderful warm spell has ended and most of the gorgeous leaves have already fluttered to the ground ... but our surroundings were beautiful!

We hiked together on a trail which followed a stream. Pretty rock formations, some magical waterfalls (we walked under two!), and excellent conversation (on a variety of topics- school, work, faith, music, family, etc.) made for several fun hours. We even sneaked off the path and hiked up to a bridge (with railroad tracks!) which provided us with the most magnificent view of the area. It was a fun adventure!

As we retraced our steps along the path from the railroad tracks to the car, my friend's cell phone rang.

"Guess who it is!" He exclaimed. BestFriend was calling! He asked if I wanted to answer it. I nodded, grinned slyly, and pressed the button to answer the call.

"Hello?" I answered pleasantly.

"Uh, hi," BestFriend said, unsure of why a girl would be answering our friend's phone. "May I please speak with friend?"

"What," I replied half-sarcastically and half-teasingly, "you don't want to talk to me?"

A long pause. BestFriend was obviously confused.

"Oh my gosh! Estrella!!!!" And we gushed over the phone for a few moments (it'd been a week and a half since we'd chatted) before I returned the phone to our friend. We'd just been talking about our different adventures with BestFriend moments earlier, so we decided she must have somehow known that she was missing out on good conversation with one of us!

It's funny how I learned more about my old-new friend today than ever before. We talked more today than we've ever talked in the past, and we had a great time! I'm hoping we'll be able to get together more often now while I'm here at GradSchool!

~*~*~*~
*Title refers to a song I learned as a Girl Scout:
Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other's gold.

Female Bonding

When Partner in Crime and I were doing some work in Mentor's office earlier this week, I sheepishly admitted to PiC that I'd bought a package of cookie dough on Monday and that I'd finished it before Thursday. He just shook his head and laughed at me. Mentor looked over at me curiously.

"They sell prepackaged cookie dough?" She asked.

"Yes," I chirped. "I got a package for under $2, which is cheaper than prepackaged salad!"

"It's one of my weaknesses," I guiltily continued, smiling.

"Oh me too," she replied. "I make my own!" Then we discussed the joys of eating cookie dough as compared with baking it into cookies. :-)
~*~*~*~

It reminded me of a time last fall when BestFriend and I were sitting in my room, eating cookie dough and watching an episode of The Nanny. Because I was an RA, my door was slightly propped open so that my residents could knock if they wanted to pop in and grab candy from the always overflowing bowl of candy I kept for them.

Someone knocked on the door, and I called for them to come in. A girl poked her head in. I didn't know all of my residents yet because the school year was relatively new, and I thought that she might live on the floor.

"Hi!" I greeted her. "Want some cookie dough?" I offered the package to her.

"Sure!" She replied, smiling as she tore off a small chunk.

"What can I do for you?" I asked her as we savored the yummy snack. It turned out that the girl was not my resident, and had accidentally come to the wrong floor to look for someone. After she left, BestFriend and I giggled and pondered the bonding power of cookie dough. :-)
~*~*~*~

So what inspired this entry? Well, I told myself that I wasn't going to buy any more cookie dough. Not if it was only going to last for 2-3 days. Even if it was cheaper than buying real meals.

Today I re-discovered the care package BestFriend had sent me. Inside was a package of powdered cookie dough (all that needed to be added was margarine and water) ... and ... I couldn't resist. I think half of it is left. *sheepish grin*

*giggle*

Today in one of my courses, all of us were required to take turns directing the ensemble. On my first run-through of the tongue-in-cheek piece, I didn't so quite as well as I'd practiced. The second time, I allowed myself to be freer- I used my face to convey the teasing, slightly naughty tone of the song.

When I finished, some of the guys in the ensemble burst out into laughter. One of them raised his hand and offered a compliment. I thanked him and smiled as I returned to my seat.

Later in the day, I saw the guy who'd complimented me, and I thanked him again for his kind feedback in class.

"Your facial expressions," he started, "...It was like you were flirting with the choir. It made the piece so much more fun and interesting to sing!"
~*~*~*~

So that's why the guys laughed after I'd finished. One of the them had told me several weeks ago that on the first day (the departmental introductory meeting), he and his buddies were checking out the new female students. He said that I was definitely one of the girls they noticed, and that he and his friends were quite surprised when I was introduced as a GA (because they had thought I was a freshman). *grin*

Stargazing

Yesterday, I saw an article announcing a meteor display, expected to peak around 5am this morning. When I told my partners in crime about this, they eagerly agreed to meet up with me at 4:45am to check out the stars.

When my alarm went off at 4:30, I jumped up, made some hot chocolate, removed the excess mascara that hadn't come off with the makeup remover last night but somehow managed to smear my face, and changed out of pajamas into real clothing.

Blue ended up driving, which was awesome because he has a convertible! We drove to GradSchool's campus, onto a secluded hill. Instead of getting out of the car and lying on the grass or standing and looking up at the stars, Blue simply put the top down! The classical music from his radio was our soundtrack as we gazed at the heavens.

Orion is pretty much the only constellation I remember from elementary school trips to the planetarium, but I've been able to pick out one of the Dippers rather consistently as of late. Blue pointed out what he thought was Venus ... and ... we happily nestled deeper into our seats, trying to stay warm as we watched for shooting stars. After about half an hour of exclaiming over the streaks of light, we decided to head back to the apartment. We all wanted to catch a nap before getting up for church a few hours later.

As we pulled into the parking lot, Blue asked if we wanted to go to breakfast.

"What's open?" He asked. It was 5:35am.

"Umm ... just that one little 24/7 cafe down the street. And the giant discount store." I replied.

"Do you guys want to go to CozyComfyRestaurant?" He asked. CCR is one of my favorites, probably because I remember going to it with my grandparents. That, and they do have a yummy breakfast menu. The nearest location was 30 miles away. We got there at 6:15am. Alas, it wasn't set to open for another 45 minutes. We drove around the town for a little while, and then we laughed over Halloween-themed greeting cards at a large 24/7 grocery store. Back to CCR where we enjoyed a hearty breakfast. We arrived back at the apartments in just enough time for me to quickly get ready for church before I had to leave. (Lucky boys had more time before they had to leave for church so they probably got to sleep for an hour or so.) Fun adventures!!!

Return to Reality

Back at school & work after a wonderful weekend. On Monday, I was treated to lunch by one of my former UGSchool professors in the fancy-schmancy cafe which is only for faculty, staff, and GAs. Sweet. She'd invited me to that afternoon's rehearsal, and she asked if I wanted to share some photos from my summer trip since the choir will be touring next month to places I visited a few months ago.



What made the day a little stranger is that two performing groups from GradSchool were on tour this weekend in CoolCity. It ended up working out that they were going to visit UGSchool for a masterclass the same afternoon that I'd be attending rehearsal to share photos. My two worlds merged! It was strange sitting with the kids I know now and observing the choir of which I used to be a member. I also felt proud that they could see firsthand where I come from. And now that they saw me interacting with my old friends at UGSchool (the same age as the singers from GradSchool), perhaps they'll see me more as a person and less as THE GA. :-)



Yesterday involved more driving ... Brother appreciated that I drove 2 hours to see him for 2 hours. (I bought him lunch and took him grocery shopping. He's now trying to encourage me to drive home this weekend when he'll be at home for his fall break.) I also managed to see another friend in the area (BestFriend's "best-friend-in-law") before driving back to GradSchool.



Busy, busy. Caught up with some friends via cell on the way back to school (big, easy-to-drive, empty roads) ... All in all, a wonderful whirlwind of a break!

Fall Break ... :-)

I'm in CoolCity right now, sitting in my friend's room in the building which was my home for 2 years.

I have loved my return visit to CoolCity this weekend. I've dined out with friends and professors ... I've been to the symphony (oh how I've missed that!) ... and I sang at my old church this morning.

CGFC was there ... and he read the sermon because the pastor had lost her voice. I didn't see him afterwards until we were both getting ready to leave. The choir director had asked if I wanted a ride home, which I'd accepted ... but ... then when I finally had the chance to talk to CGFC, the choir director was herding me away. I was so annoyed! Here I was, having a great conversation with CGFC (which he initiated) ... and ... I was being dragged away. Ugh. Oh well. I'm sure there are other boys out there who meet ALL of my standards. And maybe I'll be lucky enough to meet another one of them someday.

Plans for the rest of the long weekend include dinner & a movie with friends, a visit to where I student-taught last year, lunch with another former professor, observance of a rehearsal, bonding time with another old friend, and ... an extension of the road trip to visit Brother who's a few hours from me. I'm still excited but I'm also kinda tired already. Guess that's what happens when I don't get to sleep in at all ... and I'm running around, trying to see as many people as possible! :-)

It should be a rule ...

... that cute boys who add someone as a friend on a certain social networking site are required to fill out the "relationship status" box. Just my humble opinion. :-)

Relishing summer memories

I realized that I never put any pictures up of my summer travels. When I was trying to come up with an entry for today ... I decided to share some of my favorite photographs with you all.

This is all I packed for 5 weeks of travel. (When I went to Italy with BestFriend in March, I used the same backpack and purse!)

Budapest! As seen from the Buda side of the Danube. Lovely, isn't it? On the day that I took this photo, I first woke up early and left my hostel to visit the Liszt Academy. Former professors of mine had studied there many decades ago, and I wanted to visit the famous music school. After a self-guided tour, I sat down in the nearby square and wrote in my travel journal for almost an hour. Then I decided to visit the Szent Istvan Cathedral before meeting up with hostel friends for a hike over the bridge to Buda. Although there's an incline system that you can pay for, we hiked up the hill to the Fishermen's Monger, where I took this picture.

Ahhh, Salzburg. This city was magical. I think it had as much to do with the loveliness and charm of the Old Town as with the charm of my first European romance. I met up with a sweet British guy (and I developed a monstrous crush on him at the time) ... and ... the cool part is- we're still in email contact, nearly three months to the day we met. :-)

Vienna ... I suppose this should have been my favorite city because I'm a musician. After Salzburg, it just wasn't as magical as I would have expected. I did enjoy it ... and ... I did take the opportunity to visit the graves of Beethoven, Brahms, Schubert and Strauss! This statue is of Mozart.

Loved this window ... in the church where my choir performed in Hungary. We'd just sung at an extremely prestigious venue the previous evening ... but this concert was even more special. All of the townspeople gathered in this church. It was so overflowing with people- standing room only for a 2 hour concert! They were so appreciative of the music ... and the moment of silence that followed our major work was awesome. That pause between the last chord and the start of the applause was one of those times when I thank God for the gift of music.

Bratislava! The figure on the left is a statue. (I believe the sign is there because apparently the figure has been run over more than once.) The figure on the right is an actor. :-)

And Prague ... charming city! I definitely want to go back because 2 days wasn't enough!