Home for the Holidays

After the semi-venting tone of the last entry, I thought I'd share some positive news from the past week:

I "slept in" until 6am on Wednesday and drove home that morning! Traffic was great until weather worsened as I neared home. Scary experience: The car ahead of me had slowed suddenly, causing me to brake suddenly as well. My car hydroplaned -- almost into the car ahead of me. If it weren't for my more-cautious-than-usual distance behind them (due to the weather) and my desperate steering into the shoulder of the road (which ended up angling the front of my car INCHES away from the other car), an accident would have occurred. I was SO SHAKEN after this (this was the closest I'd ever come to having an accident), and I prayed aloud for several minutes, thanking and praising God that He'd spared this other car and me from such an incident.

Once I got home, everything instantly became better! It was so wonderful to see my siblings and parents again. Wednesday at home: nap, haircut (yay!), church service. Thursday: yummy food. Friday: shopping with my mom and sister! Saturday: quality time with 2 friends from home!

One of my mentor/friends at home (the director of a youth choir I've accompanied/ guest-accompanied for, over the past 6 years) had told me last month what she hoped to get me for Christmas/Graduation: a Choir Director's Concert outfit. I immediately agreed that this would be the perfect gift because I'll be directing at student-teaching placement school's concert in 3 weeks! On Saturday, she took me out for shopping and lunch. 7 hours. 11am-6pm. I now have a gorgeous black/silver (shimmery) floor-length skirt and a black velvet shirt (the sleeves & collar match the material of the skirt). I've just got to find a Dry Cleaner's nearby in CoolCity ...

On Sunday, I sang Offertory for both services at my home church before running over to the other church (home of the youth choir) to play for their performance at a charity event. Quiet evening at home which I mostly spent revising all of my brother's college application essays.

On Monday, I drove back to MySchool in CoolCity in record time. Still, I was sad to leave home ... When it's time to leave, I always wish that I could stay just a little longer ...

More reflections on student-teaching

Cooperating Teacher has taken to asking me, "Are you sure this is really what you want to do?" during the most demanding moments of the job. Last week, I believed he asked me twice, during and after auditions for the Spring Musical. I was at the school from 7am (or slightly before) in the morning until after9:30pm at night on both Monday and Tuesday. Over 14 hours each day ... and I still love it!

Today was a bit rougher. I worked with all three classes today (length varied between classes). With the theory class, we focused on rhythmic and melodic sight-reading for the 10 minutes I had with them. This was challenging, especially for the kids who are not in choir. Every time after we stopped something, the kids would chatter about how they did. Cooperating Teacher had to run out for the few minutes I was teaching, so it was up to me to keep everything going. He tolerates more talking than I do, so the kids are not used to keeping their mouths closed to wait for instructions. I think it comes back to my pacing-- once I picked up the pace a little, the kids were less likely to goff around. But -- when I'm thrown into a teaching session with little or no preparation time, I rely on having a few extra moments during transitions to figure out what I'm going to do next. Unfortunately, the kids seem to think that those few moments are theirs to use for talking ... I need to learn to think on my feet more quickly!

With the elite mixed choir, I did some preparation activities with a piece that we'll focus on more in-depth on Thursday when I'm going to be observed. We established guidelines for various dynamic levels-- and the kids were able to understand and produce the sound necessary for each level. On Thursday, the plan is to apply the sound levels to the rest of the piece, beyond the small 8-bar segment we used today. Before then, Cooperating Teacher is supposed to assist me with my conducting (one of my weaker areas) so that I'll be able to convey more than just the steady beat!

I grew frustrated with the ladies' ensemble today. Most of them were working hard, and as I noted last week, they respond better to me than before ... but something threw me off. There were certain things I wanted to accomplish in the piece, but if they didn't get it, I couldn't always figure out how to re-articulate what I wanted them to do. This frustrated me which left me flustered and uncomfortable. Cooperating Teacher helped me a little, but at other times, he took over completely, leaving me feeling completely inadequate. At one point, I was close to tears because I was so frustrated. He picked up on certain problems that I didn't hear (which was helpful) but he also went into a long lecture about the meaning of the text (one of my goals to do with the girls on Thursday, when I'm being observed).

He gave me no feedback on the two times he saw me teach today. He keeps telling me how stressed and crazy things are (yes, the ability to organize chaos is a requirement for this position), so I'm hesitant to DEMAND attention when so many other things are pressing on his time. Unfortunately, this means that I am adopting his stress ... which I don't need.

I was grateful for the time to work with the students today, but I was uncomfortable at the same time. Because he's been teaching for 10 years longer than I've even been alive, my Cooperating Teacher doesn't need to write out detailed lesson plans. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. I'm NOT there yet! Therefore, I'm not sure he understands how I NEED sufficient time to talk over my lesson plans with him (preferably before the day in which the plan will be implemented). I NEED feedback on how I'm doing. We did sketch tentative plans for the rest of this week for a few of the ensembles (good!) ... but ... we haven't discussed the men's group- and we haven't even introduced one of their concert pieces yet! The concert is 3 weeks from tomorrow! (Oh, and they always sell out -- all 1000 seats in the auditorium ... no pressure!)

I know it'll all come together. Maybe my pieces with the groups won't be as stellar as they might be if Cooperating Teacher were teaching everything ... but at least I'll have had the experience of working with these great kids!

Scattered events from the past week

On Wednesday, the day of my first observation at Current Student-teaching Placement, I discovered that my page-a-day calendar had a special message waiting for me: Never underestimate your abilities. You are capable of things undreamed of. The perfectly timed, reassuring message was what I needed. I'd been on duty the night before and had gotten less than 5 hours of sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, my singing voice just isn't its best. Fortunately, God gave me my voice that day anyway. :-)

My supervising teacher observed TWO classes, and both classes did very well. The first class, the mixed choir, did a decent job of participating and focusing on the material we were covering. It was my first time working with the full ensemble for the entire class period - thank goodness it was only a half day, and the period was shortened by half! I was pleased with the progress we made, even though I didn't get to about half of my lesson plan.

The second class was the female choir. The material we were covering was really a review for many of the girls, and I was nervous that they'd be annoyed or bored (which inevitably leads to too much chattering). Instead, they were the most attentive they have ever been! We got a great deal accomplished and I was so proud of them!

Afterwards, Supervising Teacher and I spoke about what she'd seen. We discussed my strengths (yay!) and weaknesses (for which she gave me ideas on how to improve). Overall, it was a very positive experience and I left feeling relieved and content.
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Most of the students from MySchool are home for the Thanskgiving break now. Because I have to teach Monday and Tuesday, I won't be leaving until early Wednesday morning. My building is eerily quiet and peaceful.
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I spent time with Former Roommate last night. We went out for dinner before heading over to Current Student-Teaching Placement school to see the play. Many of my students were in the production and I'd wanted to show my support. We sat in the front row and thoroughly enjoyed the show!
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Random update: Former Boyfriend (of the Awkwardness entry, 2 entries ago) called me before I went out with Former Roommate. He told me he and another friend were going out to dinner and he invited me to join them. This was the first time he had called me since before we broke up. I'm wondering if he's starting to realize his mistake of letting me go or if he was simply being friendly. Either way, it was pleasant to receive the invitation.

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An update on the cute guy from church (TGFC): Last week, a lady who works at his [small, specialized] school told me that he's a very sweet and funny guy. Apparently all of the girls there, along with all of the women who have daughters his age, fawn all over him. While I was pleased to learn that he's not as stern and reserved as he appears, I definitely felt that there must be no chance for me if he has all these other girls falling all over him!

Then today- he smiled! More than once! I got to shake his hand during the Passing of the Peace, and he continued to smile. Maybe he's starting to feel more comfortable at our church now that he's been there a little longer. Also -- after church, we had a potluck luncheon (fantastically timed because no food places are open on campus). During the luncheon, the music director played show tunes and everyone sang along! TGFC showed his goofy side by dancing with a paper plate, pretending it was a top hat, and by singing along on some of the other songs. Fun times!

Unexpected time

I laid down for a nap around 5:15pm this afternoon and set my alarm for 7:50pm (so I'd be ready for RA building rounds at 8pm). I woke up at 5:45pm feeling very rested. When I didn't fall back asleep in the next 15 minutes, I got up ... and decided to make productive use of my time.

Well ... :-)

So far, I haven't written out my formal lesson plan for tomorrow's observation of TWO CLASSES, back to back .... and I haven't painted my toenails yet. (Tomorrow's classy but professional outfit requires me to wear open-toed shoes .... in November, I know ... I really need to hem the pants so that I can wear them with other shoes more appropriate for the weather here in CoolCity.) In fact, all I've done is write an entry on my other blog ... and now this entry on this blog. I still have half an hour until rounds ... and I'm hoping they'll go quickly so I can get back here and get some work done before watching House at 9pm with my girls!

Shyness

I've had no visitors for about a month. Why? I'm shy. I'm afraid that sometimes I put too much personally identifying information on here, and I don't want people who know me in Real Life to recognize me. I like the anonymity of this blog, as compared with other online journals I've kept. I still keep a blog elsewhere, but I tend to write more of what I'm actually feeling here.

I'm also shy because I am hesitant about commenting on others' blogs. I am a steady follower of maybe a dozen blogs written by educators, mothers, academics, photographers, musicians ... When I try to figure out the common thread between them, I suppose it's because I admire these people. They're doing what they can to live as best as they know how, and they find humor in the world around them.

Reading what they write is like reading a dozen different novels simultaneously. It doesn't bother me to be in the middle of more than one book at a time. I've always enjoyed having books to read for different moods or situations. Right now, I'm still reading Henry James' novel ... and I'm reading the testimony of a Christian who worked as a smuggler during a war.

Because I admire these people and I'm fascinated by the stories they tell, I'm super-shy about commenting on their blogs. Why? Because ... I'm just a silly undergraduate. I second-guess what I might say because ... I don't actually know these people. Or rather- they don't know me. Even if I've been a dedicated reader for a few months, we have no history. I'm just some random person from somewhere else in the country (or world) who happens to enjoy what they write.

If you're reading this, it's probably because I finally got over myself and told you how much I enjoy your blog! :-)

Awkwardness, anyone?

Tonight, I went to a show with which ExBoyfriend was involved. I had performed with the company my freshman year and I enjoy musical theatre productions. I went alone. I sat by myself because even though I saw people I knew, there weren't empty seats near them. I had just taken my seat when ExBoyfriend's kid sister came over. She's such a sweetheart and I was happy to see her. She invited me to sit with her family. I adore his family. I hadn't seen them for quite some time. We talked before the show, during intermission, and afterwards too. Both of his parents are in my future profession. ExBoyfriend's mother was telling me that she'd give me copies of the pictures she was taking of her son. I began to wonder then ...

After the show, she told me to make sure he behaved himself at the cast party. I knew then. She also made a point to congratulate the musical director who complimented her son's abilities and contribution to the production. She said, "Oh, we're all proud of him," gesturing to those of us around, "his parents, his sisters, girlfriend..."

Of course, I didn't say anything. It would have been rude and inconsiderate of me to make everyone feel awkward because of the situation. So I kept my mouth shut, smiled (although I probably winced slightly), and glanced over at ExBoyfriend and saw that he looked uncomfortable.

He has not told them. It's been three weeks, exactly 3 weeks ago today. Sure, I know he's nonconfrontational and quiet about stuff ... but seriously? Did I impact his life so little that he can't even be bothered to tell his family? Maybe he's ashamed. Maybe he had regrets. Maybe he didn't care enough to acknowledge it.

We almost broke up last February. The week before Valentine's Day. Same reasons. I never got to see him and he wasn't making any effort. I was frustrated because when we did have time together, he would barely speak. We'd mostly sit in silence or watch movies or just listen to music. No intellectual bonding. After 3+ weeks of this, I was fed up. So I ended things.

Two or three days later, he asked to talk to me. He deeply cared about me and wanted to try again. I too had had a change of heart over that time but had wanted him to make the effort to show that he cared. Our relationship blossomed, and in April, we sincerely told one another, "I love you."

On the day we broke up, one of the things I told him was, "Last February, you cared so much and you were so committed to making this work. You told me, 'I need you.' How did that change? Why did it change?"

Of course, it was a rhetorical question. It made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't try to respond.
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I did love him. He was the first ( and so far, only) guy I've ever loved. But during the course of this semester, when he wasn't there for me ... every phone call unmade, every kiss not shared, every tear unseen served to break down that love. I know it was there, but it wasn't nurtured. At some point, the fragility gave way ... and since then, I've been left with only lukewarm memories.

To me, lost love is like a dandelion. At first, you're startled by its brilliant, vibrant color. How could this flower ever be called a weed? Its fresh appearance begins to fade ... but maybe you don't notice because you still remember how optimistic it looked. Or maybe you try to remember what it looked like and you close your eyes so you don't see the flower changing before you. Suddenly, you become aware that this flower-weed has become a cloud of cotton between your fingers. If you're not gentle, the fragile wisps of what-was will float away, leaving you with nothing. Someday, I'd like a real flower.

Scheduling and Fun Times!

I've always had a tough time when it comes to scheduling because the classes required for my degree, scheduled within MyBuilding, usually end up conflicting with the regular core classes I have to take. Additionally, I'm in the Honors College, so the core classes I have to take have to be Honors level so that I can graduate with honors.

Heading into my final semester, where I have to take more core classes than ever before, I dreaded scheduling. Sure enough, when I figured out which classes I still needed to take, there were conflicts! So ... I emailed the director of the Honors College program. He wrote me an extremely kind and very understanding email with clear compromises that will actually work! I am soooo grateful! And -- I have room for electives! I could even take TWO electives! I've never had room for electives before! I'd love to take a foreign language but all of the introductory courses are offered at inconvenient times. (Maybe I should take a lower-level Spanish course ... to refresh my Spanish skills-- it's been 4 years since I took AP level in high school!) I'm so excited that I actually get to pick classes that I want to take, classes that weren't predetermined for my major. Since my tuition covers 18 credits, and since that is the number of credits I've had to take every semester in order to graduate on time, I'm definitely gonna take 18 credits again!
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BestFriend took me on a date last night. When Ex-Boyfriend and I broke up, she told me she'd take me out for drinks to celebrate/commiserate. So ... last night, we went to the Cheesecake Factory! I got a margarita and a Toblerone cheesecake-- yummy! We came back to campus and had been planning to watch a movie ... but we ended up chatting with friends outside her building for a while. By the time we got upstairs, her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend were watching TV ... so we came back to my room where we watched an episode of "The Nanny" before parting ways.

Today, we had been planning to go to an outside market. Unfortunately, the weather didn't allow for that, so we went to the mall instead. After no success in several stores, we decided to stop in one more- just in case. I noticed a gorgeous dark blue silk dress on the rack and decided to try it on just for fun. An hour later, I bought the dress, matching earrings, and 2 sweaters to add to my professional dress wardrobe! BestFriend reminded me that I have an excuse to wear the dress: My residents (sophomore girls) encouraged me to go to MySchool's Christmas Ball with a group of them and I relented. :-)

It's 9:30pm and past my bedtime, but ...

Yesterday, Cooperating Teacher was at a workshop all day with 9 students. That left the substitute teacher (a friend of mine from MySchool) and me with all the kids.

Fortunately, first class was simple because most of the students had gone on the field trip. I allowed the remaining students to use in-class time to work on a review sheet they'd been assigned. Bonuses of making that choice: 1) They weren't going to complete the worksheet on their own otherwise, so this forced them to practice their work. 2) I am regarded as "benevolent student-teacher who understands how time-consuming being a high school student really is" because I gave them this time. 3) Even after this gift of time, we still had some time left over to review some of the more difficult content and they will be more prepared for the exam than their peers who went on the field trip.

Second class: The kids were definitely more chatty than the last time without Cooperating Teacher. We still managed to get a lot accomplished, they are viewing me more favorably and have more respect for my knowledge and proficiency in my subject area, and ... my pedagogy worked-- the new concepts I introduced were easy after the fun preparation activities I did with them. I got bonus points for my benevolence with this class because I explained how I'd convinced Cooperating Teacher to let me work on material with them which he had planned to make them responsible for learning on their own. They had a really strong grasp on it by the end of class! Yay!

Third class: Also soooo much better behaved than the last time Cooperating Teacher was absent. My pacing was a little slow and I lingered on the first part of my lesson plan longer than I probably should have ... but the students stuck with it (and me).

Afterwards, I had a great chat with the Sub, a former colleague of mine. He gave me tips about interviewing, networking, etc. It's funny to think that 3 years ago, we were classmates. Now, he's already in the field ... and I'm gonna be there soon!
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I was shocked today to learn of the engagement of two of my classmates (to one another), especially when I remember that the guy and I almost dated two years ago. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. It would have been a forbidden romance because he had broken up with one of my close friends two months before after they had dated for about 2 months ... and as is common in our school environment, a great deal of drama resulted from this. So he decided he was no longer interested in me because of the complications that would inevitably arise. Now he's engaged, and I'm incredibly happy for both of them.

I was talking with BestFriend about this today: As a senior in college, I see that many people around me are getting engaged and married. I can't even begin to fathom making that kind of commitment right now. BestFriend, who is engaged herself, told me,

"Estrella, you've said many times that you don't know where you're going to end up after Graduation! You're open to different geographic areas ... you've even thought about looking into teaching abroad! Your possibilities are virtually unlimited. For you to even think about making a permanent relationship commitment is just TOO MUCH. If you met the right guy, it could certainly happen ... because you, as a person, could be ready ... but I just don't think that you'd be able to limit yourself in that way at this moment."

I interjected, "I don't think I'm even in a good position to meet people right now. There weren't even any eligible guy teachers at the PlacementSchool faculty meeting today." (I had hoped there would be; my cooperating teacher told me the story of how one of his former student-teachers had been asked out by 3 different guys on the way to the copy room one day, and she just married one of them in the last year. Not that I was expecting anything like that to happen to me ... but ... I had hoped to see some younger, attractive male teachers ... *smile*)

We joked about the different places I might meet guys ("Hey, what about that guy at church?" "Well, it's a bit difficult when he seems to ignore me!") ... and I'm truly OK with it. It= being single, not being in a relationship, not headed toward marriage any time soon. I know I'm young, I have plenty of time ... and I'm pretty sure I don't want to settle down right now. BestFriend is right: I have so many different open paths laid ahead of me ... and I honestly don't want to limit my opportunities right now. God may certainly change that ... but I'm also willing to wait for His timing. I have to admit- I do secretly hope that His timing will be sooner (i.e. next 5 years) rather than later (10+ years) ... but I know things will turn out for the best. God always does a better job than I do. :-)

Getting stuff done

It took almost 2 1/2 months, but I just erased my grandmother's phone number from my phone. It finally felt OK to do that. I also just washed the (clean) coffeepot and mug my parents had gotten from her apartment after her death.

Done: Laundry. Washed other dishes. Changed bed sheets. Changed special ring tone from Ex-Boyfriend's number back to normal ring tone. Took down bulletin board. Took down some Halloween decorations around floor. Recycled both huge boxes of cans and bottles which have been accumulating for quite some time.


Still to do:
*Ironing that I've needed to do for nearly a month. My clothing options have been limited. I'd like to vary my outfits more.
*Absentee ballot
*Type up treasure hunt stuff
*Hang up posters
*Throw out dead flowers and clean the vase
*Hang up signs around the floor (and find masking tape first)
*Put together a package for my sister
*Respond to the letters and cards I've gotten in the past 3 weeks
*Re-register for a couple of my professional organizations
*and the list goes on and on and on ... but I feel better already