Stream of consciousness 2006 reflections

I didn't feel like looking up an end-of-the-year survey or re-reading older blog entries to help me remember all that happened this year. My year in review, by months (the easiest way for me to separate memories):

January/February/March: I broke up with FormerBoyfriend (FB) the week before Valentine's Day because we barely communicated and also because I was starting to fall again for the guy I'd liked in the Fall (RA) before I started dating FB. RA admitted to being interested in my younger sister, whom he'd met for a total of 20 minutes while she had stayed with me for a weekend in January. (Very strange indeed.) FB asked for a second chance and I relented. Up to this point, I only followed blogs of people I knew IRL~ friends of mine from both high school and college had been keeping blogs on another website for a few years. I began exploring other blogs around this time.

April: FB and I were in love. My first love. My choir toured and sang as the opera chorus for a production at MySchool. I found out that a paper I'd written the semester before had been accepted for publication in a major magazine in my field. Professors encouraged me to start thinking about pursuing a career in Higher Education.

May/June: Another school year ended. I substitute taught at home, accompanied a local youth choir, and taught private lessons through an internship I obtained. I went on camping trips with friends from MySchool ~ my first camping trips since I'd been in Girl scouts years ago. End of June/beginning of July~ youth choir toured abroad and I served as the Tour Accompanist. Amazing experience.

July: I turned 21 and celebrated with only my immediate family. I woke up at 5:30am nearly every weekday to walk on the beach with one of my few remaining friends from home. More of the fun summer jobs, related to my field. I saw my grandmother for the last time.

August: I returned to MySchool for RA training. My grandmother passed away. I prepared for student-teaching.

September/October: I student-taught at an elementary school. My cooperating teacher there was amazing ~ encouraging, kind, spiritually inspiring. I grew in both my teaching abilities and my faith. I also broke up with FormerBoyfriend.

November/December: I was anxious about student-teaching at the high school level. I wasn't sure how to be the Teacher to these kids. One of my professors gave me excellent advice: Don't try to make them like you. Do what you know how to do: Teach them. When they see that you know what you're doing, they'll respect you. After they respect you, they'll probably like you. It'll take time. Bonding doesn't usually occur until about the 6th or 7th week. I ended up falling in love with the kids, and at the end of my time with them, many of them shared how much they liked me and how much they were going to miss me. (Side note: I had told them that they could Facebook me after I was no longer their teacher ~ and about 25 of them have befriended me on that network now. I suppose it might be unprofessional of me, but I am longer their teacher ... and I'm going to be just a regular college student this upcoming semester.)

~*~*~*~

2007 will bring:
Italy over spring break with BestFriend
Graduation
BestFriend's wedding
My new teaching job (location & specific subject area unknown)
Harry Potter 5- the movie

... and so much more! I want to enjoy the remaining time I have at MySchool with my friends, I want to prepare myself for the job search, and I want to be ready for the next big adventure in my life ~ whatever and wherever that may be. Welcome 2007!

Procrastination pays off ...

After much procrastination, I took care of two things today.

This morning, I had an abnormal mole removed after I decided in the summer that I wanted it off my right toe. While I knew it was questionable in nature, I didn't think it was really a problem. The doctor directed me to stay off of my feet for 48 hours (practically ordering me to be lazy- watch movies, read books, etc.) and for the next two weeks, I'm to elevate my foot as often as possible and avoid strenuous exercise, movement, etc. Unfortunately, this means I can't go on my annual CityNearHome holiday walking tour with a friend, but at least I've been given the OK to use the foot to drive back to MySchool next week.

We'll get the test results back on the mole in 2 weeks. The thing may have been just a strange fluke, but the doctor noted its abnormality which means that it could also be dangerous. As my mom, a nurse, drove me home after the appointment, I asked her about melanoma (usually indicated by abnormal moles) . She told me not to worry about it for the next 2 weeks. Of course, I had to look it up anyway. I'm not generally a worrier, but I am disconcerted after having noticed many similarities between listed symptoms and my own experience. I'll be back at school, away from my family, when we get the results. I'm praying that I'm perfectly healthy and that God will me the strength and courage I'll need if I find out otherwise.

Item #2 on Today's Accomplished Items List (totaling only 2) was the revision of my paper. The editor had sent it back with some questions for clarification and requests for more content. Several hours later, I'm pleased with her revisions (a change from my initial impression) and I feel relieved because I'm hopeful that I sent her what she needed.

~*~*~
Sometimes, I catch myself while procrastinating and can't seem to motivate myself enough to jump out of the vicious cycle! Then when I've finally finished something I had put off time and again, I wonder why I didn't try to get it done sooner so that I could feel the lovely joy of relief sooner.
~*~*~

Off to go spend some quality time with the family. 'Night.

Christmas Time Was Here

I didn't realize it was Christmas until it was nearly over. Normally, I get in the Christmas mood a few weeks before Christmas as I'm sending cards, giving gifts, listening to holiday tunes ... This year, I didn't have time to write cards and I didn't even get gifts for everyone on my list in time. I listened to the Christmas radio station on the way to and from student-teaching school and on the way home ... but ... the magic just wasn't there.

At church on Sunday night, my focus was regrettably not as much on the message as it was praying, "Dear God, please don't let me have a coughing fit in here." For the most part, I was safe ... until I had to accompany the youth choir. I ended up playing the right hand part of the accompaniment and attempting to use my left hand to stifle my coughs. (I've been lucky today - not a cough! Maybe I'm actually getting better as today marks the beginning of Week #3 of the nasty cold.)

The Christmas spirit nudged me when my siblings, parents and I had our family dinner on Christmas Eve. Then after Brother, Mom and I returned from church, we all changed into pajamas to open family gifts. From Cool Aunt & Uncle, I got a fleece and a nifty scarf. Sister gave me a silly mug which has my nickname on it. Mom & Dad gave me a "coupon" which promised me full payment for my airfare to Italy for Spring Break! (BestFriend and I already bought our tickets, but Mom & Dad are going to reimburse me.) :-)

Before sleeping, I was disappointed that I couldn't find my copy of The Polar Express, my all-time favorite holiday book (which is SO much better than the movie), but we siblings gathered in Sister's room while Dad read us The Night Before Christmas. Even though Sister and I are in college and Brother will be next year, we love the story!

I didn't see Christmas morning until 10am. (Woo-hoo! I was able to sleep past 8am!) Santa brought me some nice things~ candy (which I'll share with my residents at MySchool), gift certificates to Borders, and 2 CDs I'd requested. I spent the day in my pajamas, mostly spending time with Sister. We both fell asleep while watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but we stayed awake for The Grinch and Little Women. It was a wonderful day to do nothing (and wonderful to spend time with Sister)!

Today ~ shopping with Mom and Sister in the morning before spending the afternoon with my "adopted grandmother." I'm feeling guilty because there are things I need to do (ugh, work on the paper which I'm supposed to send back Thursday!) ... and I haven't been productive this break. Maybe I'll feel better if I write a To-Do list and cross off things as I do them.

I have very few local friends left, very few solid relationships with people from high school. The friendships which have lasted fall right back into place whenever we get together, even if we don't keep in touch very well while we're apart . On that note, I'll be seeing TwinFriend, MusicBuddy and CityFriend (although not all plans are confirmed) over the next week! Sister and I will probably quietly celebrate New Year's together at home. Even though my break is considerably shorter this year, I'm hoping it continues to be filled with family & friends time, some laziness, and more sleep. :-)

My favorite holiday website is located at http://www.nick.com/games/holiday_games/click_nutcracker.jhtml

It'll make you laugh! :-)

Home for the Holidays

I got up at 7 this morning. Even though I've been getting up at 5am on every school day and 7am is technically "sleeping in," I was still exhausted. I suppose this week, this month, this semester have all taken their toll on me.

I was grateful I'd written my packing list last night before I went to sleep. Otherwise, I never would have remembered everything I needed! It took me half an hour to pack my car-- I'm slowly bringing things home that I no longer need at school. My goal is to move out in May using only my car and the family van. Easier said than done.

I called Mom as I left MySchool to let her know I was on my way. (She had called me 30 minutes earlier, wondering why I hadn't called yet. Hadn't I left already?) The drive, gorgeous in Autumn and pretty in Spring and Summer, was rainy and dreary. I browsed through radio stations before settling on one that played Christmas music. Not the Christmas music you hear on most radio stations like the annoying "Last Christmas I gave you my heart" song which repeats the same words/melody over and over or the out-of-tune "War is Over." This station played classier Christmas songs, i.e. a lovely piece by the Robert Shaw Chorale. Then I realized why I liked this station so much- it was based out of MySchool. :-)

Once I reached HomeState, traffic slowed down. The last two major highways on my route were backed up. Around this time, I was no longer in the broadcasting area of my new favorite radio station. So I browsed some more ... until I found a reading of Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. I discovered it when Scrooge saw Jacob Marley's face on his door knocker and was able to listen until the third spirit visited him. Around this time, the static was sounding more than the story ... and then the program was completely overtaken by a broadcast of a very low-quality talk show. The rain followed me all the way home.

Home. *smile* My mom designated tomorrow as a Family Day ~ we'll be preparing food for Sunday's big dinner, making hot cider, watching Christmas videos (claymation Rudolph, Disney Carols Sing-a-long), and driving around to see the holiday lights in our community. I can't wait! Well ... I suppose I can wait long enough to sleep in for the first time since who-knows-when without having to wake up to an alarm clock!

Concert & Goodbyes

Wednesday: CONCERT DAY. Class time was spent rehearsing repertoire and going through concert logistics- making sure kids knew the order of the program, knew what to do when, etc. For some of the groups (the MWF classes), this would be the last class session I'd see them. I told the male ensemble, the larger mixed group, and the female ensemble how much I had truly enjoyed working with them.

I thanked the freshmen boys in the male ensemble how they really made me laugh, and that I truly do like them very much, even if I've been more cross with them recently (because they continue to be goofy, silly freshmen boys when I'm trying to get them to seriously learn their music). They tried to look macho, but I could tell they were pleased.

While working with the larger mixed ensemble, Cooperating Teacher worked with me a few times on giving a strong cut-off for one of the songs. On the third try, I finally got it. The kids clapped for me.

I told the female choir how I'd been reviewing my student-teaching journal (which was mostly a compilation from my blog entries), and how I'd written from the beginning that I'd hoped that this group and I would have a special relationship.

"I was hoping we'd become close and bond as women as we create music together. We've had some really magical moments when we've worked on our pieces." I looked around and saw that all of the girls were paying close attention, and some of the girls nodded and smiled in agreement over the last statement. "Whether or not we are able to recreate that magic this evening at our concert, I want you to know that I have really enjoyed working with you. Thank you so much for working with me." The girls seemed very touched by this.

I was honest with all the groups ~ I have LOVED working with them. I CARE about them, and they've sensed that. Even if they know this by my actions, I still wanted to tell them because it's something people always need to hear. Students need to know that they are valued and loved.

I stayed after school to help with concert preparations. One of the students got pizza and I contributed a few dollars so I could have dinner! The kids were to report back to the school at 5pm before the 7pm concert. At this time, I was in the process of putting on my makeup and the kids laughed when they saw me doing this. (I didn't mind- I needed to look my best for the concert too, and I didn't have time to go back to MySchool to get ready.) Then, while Cooperating Teacher worked with one of the choirs, I curled my hair and changed into my concert dress. I was ready to go! I ran through my pieces with the choirs and guest instrumentalists and found a seat before the concert started.

My pieces with the choirs went well for the most part. I had drilled the freshmen boys on their piece in the last week, but they kinda froze up on the stage. The instrumentalist also make some mistakes which threw them off. We ended well, and I don't think the audience was aware of the problems. Women's Choir was lovely, and I had fun with the two mixed voice choirs!
After the final piece I conducted, two of the students presented me with flowers- from my parents! My family couldn't make the concert since I don't live nearby, so they sent up flowers! The girls and my cooperating teacher said really nice things about me! The kids applauded and I blew them all a kiss.

~*~*~*~

Thursday: Some of the kids gave me Christmas presents! I was so touched! I certainly wasn't expecting any! After school, I went back to MySchool to take a nap and to get my silly gift for the gift exchange for the party. Then I drove to one of the chorister's houses for the annual holiday choir party. My cooperating teacher arranged for a catered meal, and we ate, talked, listened to music (played by 3 of the kids who are in a band together), and played CatchPhrase!

While there, some of the kids asked me if they could friend me on Facebook. I gave them permission since I'm no longer their teacher. I also told them they could call me by my first name- they didn't have to call me "Miss *************" anymore- but most of them continued to do so anyway. :-) They all said goodbye and hugged me before they left.

They asked me to come back and visit them next semester. I'll be going back in January to conduct them at their community performance, but after that, I won't be returning until I see their Spring musical. I'd love to visit more than that, but one of my friends is going to be student-teaching there in the Spring. I respect her and I want her to have the best experience possible. For that reason, I cannot be a presence at their school. They can't be my kids anymore because they'll be hers.

I love these kids, and I'm going to miss them dearly.

Tomorrow's CC-Day. Choir Concert Day! It's going to be a HUGE event- with guest professional instrumentalists, dancing, sign language, and, of course, lots of singing! I'm going to be conducting 5 pieces on the program! Two will be with brass accompaniment, one will be with percussion, one will be a capella, and the last will be with piano and solo violin. I'm grateful that my Cooperating Teacher has given me the opportunity to be this involved. I'm not really too nervous either (although I'm sure that will change tomorrow)!

I'm just trying to pace myself and think about the things that need to get done- one thing at a time. (Mental list: paint toenails, shave legs for the first time in 3 weeks, try on pantyhose to make sure there are no runs, try on concert attire with jewelry to make sure it works, practice conducting my pieces in front of the mirror, use teeth whitening strips tonight, make a list of all that needs to go with me to school tomorrow because I'll have to get ready there ... take vitamins and SLEEP!) Somewhere, in the midst of accomplishing all these things, I've got to go on building rounds as part of my being on RA duty this evening. I also need to spend time with my residents because a dozen of them will be studying abroad next semester. (Lucky girls! I wish I'd had that opportunity!) All will get done. God will take care of me, even if He doesn't decide to return my singing voice yet.
~*~*~*~

I received my article in the mail yesterday. One of the editors of the magazine had sent it to me with her revisions and questions. When I read it, I was disappointed. The editor told me that she'd worked on making its "scholarly" tone more "conversational," so that the readers would relate to it better. Much of the educational psychology and supporting data for my points were edited out. To me, some of its new "conversational" tone seems schmaltzy and condescending (i.e. "All of these great things I've seen are so helpful- you should try them too!"). Ah well. I'm lucky that it's going to be published ~ but I don't want to come across as some little know-it-all kid! I don't even have time to think about it now- it's due back in another week, and I've got to get things done in the order in which they come-- Concert first!!!

Small World ... and Encouragement

This past week, I was attacked by a terrifying monster! It went for my throat first, striking me where, as a singer, I'm most vulnerable. Then it went for my nose. I valiently fought back with my powerful Vitamin C. I managed to shake off its slimy, nasty tentacles, but it took my voice away yesterday. While I'm thankful that I'm feeling much better, I hope my voice returns by the time I need to use it to sing at church in 9 hours!

~*~*~*~
I was home for a brief visit this weekend (home as in real home, not MySchool living quarters). As I was driving home on Thursday after school, a van drove up extremely close behind me. I don't like being tailgated, so I moved over to another lane so the rude driver could pass me. The van didn't pass me for awhile, and I wondered why the driver had been so persistent in trailing me. When the van did pass me, I noticed it had out-of-state plates (not MySchool state or Home state). Then the van slowed down again, so that I was pulling up along side it.

"They must be on their cell phone," I thought. "Or maybe they've got small children and that's why they're not paying attention to their driving!" I looked over, annoyed, and was startled to see my high school youth pastor and his daughter waving at me! People from Home. Home, which is 250+ miles from MySchool. Approximately a 5 hour drive. And here we both were, driving along the major highway in MySchool's state just 30 miles from MySchool. How bizarre! When we exited the major highway, my former youth pastor called my cell phone (I didn't know he had the number) to say hi. (I'm guessing they had tailed me because they noticed my license plate and the MySchool logo on the rear of my car.)
~*~*~*~

Yesterday morning, I met with the lady who could be my boss if I get a job at Home after graduation. As I prepared for my appointment with her, I tried to think of this meeting as an unofficial interview. I talked with Cooperating Teacher and the chair of my department (a professor of whom I think highly) a great deal: What questions should I ask her about potential employment? What should I ask about the school system? What information should I already know before I speak with her?

I was grateful that I'd had the extra help from my mentors because our appointment felt like an informal preliminary interview. She asked me some typical interview questions: What did you like most about student-teaching at the high school level? The elementary school level? What are your strengths in the classroom? What area do you want to teach? Do you have a copy of your resume that you can leave with me? (I had brought along a copy, even though I'd attached it to the email I had sent her. She skimmed over it, nodding and murmuring her approval over various items.)

She gave me the names of her colleagues in neighboring school districts and suggested that I send applications to those areas. While she wasn't anticipating any openings for next year at this early date, she'd have a clearer idea in a few months. Give me a call at the end of March, beginning of April. She told me twice to pick up an application and to get it in as soon as possible. As we parted, she said, "It's good to know there are people like you out there."

Even though I had been secretly hoping that she'd know of openings for next year, I was very pleased with how everything went. I survived my first [unofficial] job interview! Even more so, her positive feedback encourages me: I should be able to get a job, somewhere, next year. :-)
~*~*~*~

I called Cooperating Teacher afterwards to tell him about the meeting. After I thanked him again for his help in preparing for the appointment, he asked a favor of me: One of the choirs had been asked to sing for some event early next semester, but he's going to be out of town. Would I be willing to conduct them in his absence? I tried to restrain some of my enthusiasm as I brightly accepted the offer. Yay!

What a compliment! He could have declined the invitation since he knew he'd be unavailable. Instead, he believes in my abilities enough to have asked me to step in! Who knew? By that, I mean ... I've never had a clear sense of how he views me. He's very guarded, and I've been unable to figure out his thoughts. His asking me to do this tells me, at the very least, that he doesn't think I'm incompetent. :-)

Today should have been my last day, but...

All of my student-teaching paperwork states that today was my final day of student-teaching. When I met with my current Cooperating Teacher in August before school started, I asked if I could conduct at the holiday concert which will be taking place in 2 weeks. CT responded,

"Yes, you could do that. You could teach through the 8th and try to have your pieces (one with each group) ready by that day. Then you could return on the day of the concert and conduct the groups if you'd like."

"Oh no! I mean, I want to continue teaching at the school up through the concert if that's OK."

"Oh sure, that's fine too."

(I informed him then that I'd most likely be out of town next weekend. Sure enough, my annual Christmas party gig was scheduled for next Friday, so I'll be going home for that and for the unofficial job interview.)

~*~*~*~

Today in class, CT made a point of announcing to each group, "Today is Miss ***************'s last official day of student-teaching." He paused dramatically. Each group looked shocked and saddened by the news.

"What?!" "Already?" "Miss **************, won't you stay?" I did my best to play along, but each time, the kids' protests made me smile.

"But," CT continued, "when Miss *********** came to visit me before school started, she asked if she could stay longer so that she could conduct at the concert. So even though all of her friends who were student-teaching are now finished, she wanted to stay on because she really cared about going the extra mile." (And, I thought as he said this, I care about these kids and wouldn't be able to say goodbye to them like this- right in the middle of their concert preparations. I need more closure than that.)

The guys in the freshmen male ensemble grinned, some more mischievously than others. I told them later how much I've enjoyed working with them. They drive me nuts with their goofing off, squirming around, and chattering ... but they make me laugh. They're not "bad kids" by any means - they just have too much energy and they don't always remember how to control themselves. :-)

The mixed choir began clapping when CT told them I'd be staying longer. Some of the guys had overheard me sharing my first name when introducing myself to parents and other adults. These guys called out, "Yeah, Estrella!" I gave them a mock Teacher Look and said, smiling, "You can't call me that until after I'm really finished with you!"

The ladies' ensemble looked most upset when they thought I was leaving. Since I first started working with this group, I've secretly hoped that the girls and I would bond. A few weeks ago during my first observation at this placement, there was a turning point. Those with attitudes settled down. Those who hadn't cared very much started contributing more. After he shared the announcement, they worked very diligently when I got up to the podium to rehearse my song (a setting of Robert Frost's poem "Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening") with them. When we ran the piece for the last time today, they sang so beautifully. Although the song wasn't perfect musically, the girls trusted me enough to follow the nonverbal directions I gave them.

Today, I tried my best to let go and convey the meaning of the lyrics with my facial expressions. I watched their faces as I conducted, and I almost cried as we finished the song because their faces reflected what I was feeling. I got the sense that many of them felt it too. That kind of feeling is virtually impossible to articulate. I think it's similar to the feeling of closeness that you get when you share a special experience with other people (like college friends or people you travel with), but there's another element which comes from the music. Singing is such a vulnerable experience. A singer must let down her guard and embrace every musical and lyrical nuance, exposing her heart, in order to convey the essence of the song. When a choir is able to achieve that together, the feeling can be overwhelming.
~*~*~*~

I'm grateful that today was not my last day. I'm not ready to leave these kids yet!

What day is today?

I asked BestFriend that question as she was leaving my building this evening. This entire week has been so chaotic that I couldn't even remember what day of the week it was! Student-teaching has kept me very busy! I still LOVE it- so much that I am dreading its ending!

The choirs I'm working with at the high school have given several performances in the community. Monday night was for a local volunteer organization and Tuesday was in a building in downtown CoolCity. Yesterday morning, we sang again, downtown, this time on live radio for a charity event! Our caroling was featured on the morning talk show from 6-7am! Last night the kids sang at a fundraising event.

Last night was the one performance of the high school's I did not attend because I already had other plans! I didn't go to a party, I didn't hang out with my college friends ... Instead, I kept my commitment from September: I attended the holiday chorus concert put on by the kids at my former student-teaching placement! :-) It was a joy to see and hear my elementary school kids singing, even if they'd somewhat forgotten the lovely tone quality I'd worked on with them. My former Cooperating Teacher acknowledged me at the concert and I received several hugs (and smiles and waves) from the kids. Afterwards, I spoke with CT for awhile because I hadn't seen her since I began my current student-teaching placement. We made plans to grab coffee or dessert after her concert next week!

This morning, I was on the radio! Yesterday, when we returned to the high school after singing for the radio station, we got the check from the office for the radio station's charity. So ... since they've been broadcasting from downtown CoolCity all this week and since downtown is somewhat on my commute to the high school, I volunteered to bring the check down to the broadcasting location.

This morning, they happened to be in a building I have often frequented in CoolCity. I came in the front door to drop off the check at around 6:15am this morning, and the DJs said,

"Oh! There's a familiar face!" They were on their commercial break.

"Let's get her a microphone!" So I stood there with the check in one hand, my car keys in my pocket (I'd parked illegally in front of the building with my flashers on), and with the microphone in my other hand. Before I knew it, they were introducing me.

DJs: "Here we have with us, Estrella, who's student-teaching with the choirs from x student-teaching placement school x who sang for us yesterday. Estrella, you've got a check there."

Me (brightly): "Yes, we forgot to bring it yesterday!" (I wasn't going to say on air that the school office had neglected to provide us with the check until after we returned from the gig.) :-)

DJs: "And what is the amount on the check?"

Me: "X dollars!"

DJs: "Oh wow! Will you make sure to thank your students for contributing to X charity?"

Me: "Oh, most definitely!"

DJs: (some other funny stuff, then:) "Thank you Estrella! We've got a free tote bag for you with our station's logo on it. (more stuff on how to contribute to the charity drive) Now, folks, she'll be looking for a teaching job after she's done with student-teaching, so you can call in to the radio station to offer her jobs!" (or something goofy along those lines)

Me: "Thanks!"

~*~*~*~ Back to commercials and regular holiday music ~*~*~*~

After my first radio interview, I put the check in the box as the DJs thanked me for stopping by. One of them asked what my QPA was (I said it was "good"), and he said, "Oh I bet it's out of the roof!" He recommended some local districts to apply to because "they're always looking for teachers" before he thanked me again. Then I left and proceeded to get lost (just for a few moments) as I continued on my morning commute.


~*~*~*~*~*~
After school, we had musical callbacks for the kids. So much stress and so many nerves! Tears from more than one person! I felt for all of the kids-- I genuinely wanted them all to do well, and I think some of their anxiety rubbed off on me. I left the school around 7:40pm and ended up in tears (for no particular reason) on my drive back to MySchool. I think my lack of sleep this week finally caught up to me. I called BestFriend and she ended up coming over while I changed into pajamas. We chatted and she brushed my hair. I now feel more relaxed ... and I know I better go to bed now because I've gotta get up in less than 7 hours! *sigh* I get to go home for less than 48 hours next weekend, and I'm looking forward to the "break." I use the "" because it will really be a "working break," but I'll enjoy the time with my family!

A Step of Faith

Note: I wrote this on Sunday... an update is at the bottom.

I believe God has been very, very generous to me by providing me with myriad opportunities to test out my future career. Each opportunity slowly pushes me out of my comfort zone until I realize my comfort zone has been expanded to multiple times its original size.

My first major opportunity came soon after I began accompanying a youth choir when I was a sophomore in high school. The choir was traveling with the youth group to an awesome city, and the choir had been asked to sing at a church up there. The choir director was unable to go that particular weekend because she had set aside that time to work on her Master's thesis. She asked me if I'd be willing to go and conduct them in her absence. (Mind you, I had never conducted anything before.) I heard "free trip to awesome city" and "conducting opportunity" and jumped at the chance. The director worked with me on the piece, and the choir gave a fine performance at the church. That was one of the first BIG opportunities I've had.

Over the years, I've initiated contacts based on curiosity and my gut instinct that I ought to do a certain thing. Results have been glowingly positive, more often than not. This is how I became the first teaching intern at the music academy (I was simply interested in finding about their teachers and about what programs they might offer), how I got my current church job (for which I thought I had no chance of getting), how I secured a scholarship to attend a conference in NYC last February, and how my article is now tentatively scheduled for the April 2007 issue of the magazine which accepted it for publication. These things are NOT about me or my accomplishments. The good things have happened because God nudged me in a certain direction and I simply tried not to mess it up!

Tonight marks the official start of my job search because I finally emailed the arts coordinator in my home district. (I've been sitting on the idea for 2-3 weeks now.) With the guidance of a few mentors, I drafted a simple email and attached my resume. I asked about the possibility of openings in the area and about job-searching advice.

I know from one of my mentors that this very woman had remarked upon hearing me sing a huge solo at the district choral concert my senior year of high school, "If she ever wants a job in this district, it's hers."

I have that butterfly, tingly feeling that I get when I feel like God has nudged me. I love the area here, where I go to school ... and I'd love to teach up here. I love the city. I love the atmosphere. I'm not crazy about the weather, but I could deal. I'd love to keep my church job up here and get more involved in the other musical ongoings in the city ...

But I love home too. I don't think I could stay there forever, not the way my life is now. (If I were married and wanted to start a family, it'd be a great place to be ... but ... I'm single ... and I love what this city environment has to offer ...) But ... it would be a great place to start my career ... possibly ...

~*~*~*~*~
Update from Monday:

I received a response to my email already! In my email, I had asked about the possibility of meeting with this person or speaking with her over the phone. She wrote back a positive email, congratulating me on my upcoming graduation and inviting me to meet with her when I'm home (for less than 48 hours, because I'll be playing for a Christmas party) next week. Yay!

So now I have an appointment with her. I feel like I've got to prepare for a test for which I haven't learned all the material ... because this seems like I'm going into my first job interview. I kinda have the feeling that this meeting will be an unofficial interview- a chance for her to meet me again and to feel out whether or not I'm the material she's looking for, if a position were to open up.

Holiday Ball

My residents had invited me to attend MySchool's Christmas Ball with them, and even though I'm very self-conscious and NOT a dancer, I agreed to go. I figured it'd be fun to spend time with my girls since I haven't been able to be around that often this semester. When I got back to campus (much later than I'd hoped to, after a series of strange occurences at school), I showered, did my makeup, and got dressed in my new, beautiful blue silk dress. I had brought back some of my nice jewelry from home to wear for the holiday concert at my student-teaching placement school, so I wore my pearls with the dress. I felt classy. I didn't have enough time to do my hair up, so I just pulled half of it back. My girls left without me.

As I sat on the bus waiting to go to the dance destination, I got a little mopey. Here I am, all alone. Everyone else on the bus was part of a couple. This is just like high school. I'm going to go to this dance, and I hate dancing. I'm gonna be the geeky girl again who "migrates" from one area to another because she doesn't want to dance. Or because she really can't dance. BestFriend, who was going with her fiance, called me at that moment. We'd been exchanging phone calls because she'd offered to give me a ride if I wasn't going with my girls. I had told her I'd go to where the buses were waiting to see if my girls were still there. They weren't, but I felt silly just walking back to my building, still alone. So I got on the bus. When she called this time, I knew she could tell I was feeling unhappy, but I figured I'd feel even sillier if I got off the bus now to wait for them to pick me up. So I told her I'd see her at the Ball. I gave myself a mental pep talk. Estrella, if you say you're going to have a rotten time, you probably will. I managed to convince myself that I would have a splendid time as long as I maintained an optimistic perspective.

Fortunately, when I arrived at the destination, I saw my girls and I joined them at the table. After we enjoyed a tasty meal, I went to other tables where my other girls were sitting. One of them showed me the book she'd brought, and another told me that she too was not into dancing. I'd found people I'd be able to talk with while the others were dancing! Yay! I saw BestFriend with her fiance and we took pictures together.

When the dancing started, one of my girls and I decided to leave the ballroom so we could chat without having to fight to be heard over the pulsating bass. We sat down in the hotel lobby, but when we heard Christmas music being played by a live band, we went to investigate. We discovered a party, attended by folks about my parents' age. This girl and I both sighed over the fact that this party had much better music than our Ball. The DJ at the Ball was playing rap and other contemporary music that I didn't recognize, music that is usually only danced to in such a manner that would make me blush if I were to even attempt dancing like that. After the Christmas song was over, the band took a break so we returned to the hotel lobby. We talked about how we both felt out of place at this type of event because it reminded us of High School. That turned into a deeper, more meaningful conversation about our shared faith beliefs and how we relate to friends of ours who are not like us. (This girl had been very supportive when I'd had a particularly rough day a few weeks ago and I ended up blurting out issues I've had with friends this semester.) I hope to stay in contact with this girl because I think she and I could be really close friends ... but she's going to be studying abroad next semester and I'll be graduating after that. I even ended up telling her about my silly crush on the Cute Guy From Church.

BestFriend and her fiance came out and found us talking. BestFriend had wanted to make sure I was still having a good time. I assured her I was. Then another resident of mine found us and grabbed my hand. "Come on Estrella, it's time for you to dance!" (I'd told my girls that I don't dance and they warned me that they'd make sure I danced anyway!) So she pulled me to the dance floor. (I knew resistance was futile so I didn't try to run away.) So I was standing there when this resident's boyfriend came up and started dancing right behind me. In the way that makes me blush. I moved away and was so flustered by this that I kidna stood around and took pictures until the song was over. Then I left in search of BestFriend.

I couldn't find BestFriend so I was walking back to the table I'd shared with some of my girls at dinner when another old friend stopped me. He'd been an RA with me last year and we had become very close friends. I've hardly seen him this semester and I do miss his friendship. His girlfriend was on the dance floor and he's not much of a dancer either, so we chatted for awhile. It was so wonderful to see him.

BestFriend came over with her fiance and I spoke with them and with some other friends who appeared before I headed back to the dance floor with them. (BestFriend did lead me by the hand, but I did come more willingly this time.) We danced to music which was more tolerable than earlier song selections and I found myself smiling even while dancing! After awhile, I left to find my residents because I'd shed some of my self-consciousness ad I wanted to show them that I was trying to dance, after all. We danced for a little longer before heading back to campus. It was a fun evening, after all. :-)

Home for the Holidays

After the semi-venting tone of the last entry, I thought I'd share some positive news from the past week:

I "slept in" until 6am on Wednesday and drove home that morning! Traffic was great until weather worsened as I neared home. Scary experience: The car ahead of me had slowed suddenly, causing me to brake suddenly as well. My car hydroplaned -- almost into the car ahead of me. If it weren't for my more-cautious-than-usual distance behind them (due to the weather) and my desperate steering into the shoulder of the road (which ended up angling the front of my car INCHES away from the other car), an accident would have occurred. I was SO SHAKEN after this (this was the closest I'd ever come to having an accident), and I prayed aloud for several minutes, thanking and praising God that He'd spared this other car and me from such an incident.

Once I got home, everything instantly became better! It was so wonderful to see my siblings and parents again. Wednesday at home: nap, haircut (yay!), church service. Thursday: yummy food. Friday: shopping with my mom and sister! Saturday: quality time with 2 friends from home!

One of my mentor/friends at home (the director of a youth choir I've accompanied/ guest-accompanied for, over the past 6 years) had told me last month what she hoped to get me for Christmas/Graduation: a Choir Director's Concert outfit. I immediately agreed that this would be the perfect gift because I'll be directing at student-teaching placement school's concert in 3 weeks! On Saturday, she took me out for shopping and lunch. 7 hours. 11am-6pm. I now have a gorgeous black/silver (shimmery) floor-length skirt and a black velvet shirt (the sleeves & collar match the material of the skirt). I've just got to find a Dry Cleaner's nearby in CoolCity ...

On Sunday, I sang Offertory for both services at my home church before running over to the other church (home of the youth choir) to play for their performance at a charity event. Quiet evening at home which I mostly spent revising all of my brother's college application essays.

On Monday, I drove back to MySchool in CoolCity in record time. Still, I was sad to leave home ... When it's time to leave, I always wish that I could stay just a little longer ...

More reflections on student-teaching

Cooperating Teacher has taken to asking me, "Are you sure this is really what you want to do?" during the most demanding moments of the job. Last week, I believed he asked me twice, during and after auditions for the Spring Musical. I was at the school from 7am (or slightly before) in the morning until after9:30pm at night on both Monday and Tuesday. Over 14 hours each day ... and I still love it!

Today was a bit rougher. I worked with all three classes today (length varied between classes). With the theory class, we focused on rhythmic and melodic sight-reading for the 10 minutes I had with them. This was challenging, especially for the kids who are not in choir. Every time after we stopped something, the kids would chatter about how they did. Cooperating Teacher had to run out for the few minutes I was teaching, so it was up to me to keep everything going. He tolerates more talking than I do, so the kids are not used to keeping their mouths closed to wait for instructions. I think it comes back to my pacing-- once I picked up the pace a little, the kids were less likely to goff around. But -- when I'm thrown into a teaching session with little or no preparation time, I rely on having a few extra moments during transitions to figure out what I'm going to do next. Unfortunately, the kids seem to think that those few moments are theirs to use for talking ... I need to learn to think on my feet more quickly!

With the elite mixed choir, I did some preparation activities with a piece that we'll focus on more in-depth on Thursday when I'm going to be observed. We established guidelines for various dynamic levels-- and the kids were able to understand and produce the sound necessary for each level. On Thursday, the plan is to apply the sound levels to the rest of the piece, beyond the small 8-bar segment we used today. Before then, Cooperating Teacher is supposed to assist me with my conducting (one of my weaker areas) so that I'll be able to convey more than just the steady beat!

I grew frustrated with the ladies' ensemble today. Most of them were working hard, and as I noted last week, they respond better to me than before ... but something threw me off. There were certain things I wanted to accomplish in the piece, but if they didn't get it, I couldn't always figure out how to re-articulate what I wanted them to do. This frustrated me which left me flustered and uncomfortable. Cooperating Teacher helped me a little, but at other times, he took over completely, leaving me feeling completely inadequate. At one point, I was close to tears because I was so frustrated. He picked up on certain problems that I didn't hear (which was helpful) but he also went into a long lecture about the meaning of the text (one of my goals to do with the girls on Thursday, when I'm being observed).

He gave me no feedback on the two times he saw me teach today. He keeps telling me how stressed and crazy things are (yes, the ability to organize chaos is a requirement for this position), so I'm hesitant to DEMAND attention when so many other things are pressing on his time. Unfortunately, this means that I am adopting his stress ... which I don't need.

I was grateful for the time to work with the students today, but I was uncomfortable at the same time. Because he's been teaching for 10 years longer than I've even been alive, my Cooperating Teacher doesn't need to write out detailed lesson plans. He knows what he wants and he knows how to get it. I'm NOT there yet! Therefore, I'm not sure he understands how I NEED sufficient time to talk over my lesson plans with him (preferably before the day in which the plan will be implemented). I NEED feedback on how I'm doing. We did sketch tentative plans for the rest of this week for a few of the ensembles (good!) ... but ... we haven't discussed the men's group- and we haven't even introduced one of their concert pieces yet! The concert is 3 weeks from tomorrow! (Oh, and they always sell out -- all 1000 seats in the auditorium ... no pressure!)

I know it'll all come together. Maybe my pieces with the groups won't be as stellar as they might be if Cooperating Teacher were teaching everything ... but at least I'll have had the experience of working with these great kids!

Scattered events from the past week

On Wednesday, the day of my first observation at Current Student-teaching Placement, I discovered that my page-a-day calendar had a special message waiting for me: Never underestimate your abilities. You are capable of things undreamed of. The perfectly timed, reassuring message was what I needed. I'd been on duty the night before and had gotten less than 5 hours of sleep. When I don't get enough sleep, my singing voice just isn't its best. Fortunately, God gave me my voice that day anyway. :-)

My supervising teacher observed TWO classes, and both classes did very well. The first class, the mixed choir, did a decent job of participating and focusing on the material we were covering. It was my first time working with the full ensemble for the entire class period - thank goodness it was only a half day, and the period was shortened by half! I was pleased with the progress we made, even though I didn't get to about half of my lesson plan.

The second class was the female choir. The material we were covering was really a review for many of the girls, and I was nervous that they'd be annoyed or bored (which inevitably leads to too much chattering). Instead, they were the most attentive they have ever been! We got a great deal accomplished and I was so proud of them!

Afterwards, Supervising Teacher and I spoke about what she'd seen. We discussed my strengths (yay!) and weaknesses (for which she gave me ideas on how to improve). Overall, it was a very positive experience and I left feeling relieved and content.
~*~*~*~

Most of the students from MySchool are home for the Thanskgiving break now. Because I have to teach Monday and Tuesday, I won't be leaving until early Wednesday morning. My building is eerily quiet and peaceful.
~*~*~*~

I spent time with Former Roommate last night. We went out for dinner before heading over to Current Student-Teaching Placement school to see the play. Many of my students were in the production and I'd wanted to show my support. We sat in the front row and thoroughly enjoyed the show!
~*~*~*~

Random update: Former Boyfriend (of the Awkwardness entry, 2 entries ago) called me before I went out with Former Roommate. He told me he and another friend were going out to dinner and he invited me to join them. This was the first time he had called me since before we broke up. I'm wondering if he's starting to realize his mistake of letting me go or if he was simply being friendly. Either way, it was pleasant to receive the invitation.

~*~*~
An update on the cute guy from church (TGFC): Last week, a lady who works at his [small, specialized] school told me that he's a very sweet and funny guy. Apparently all of the girls there, along with all of the women who have daughters his age, fawn all over him. While I was pleased to learn that he's not as stern and reserved as he appears, I definitely felt that there must be no chance for me if he has all these other girls falling all over him!

Then today- he smiled! More than once! I got to shake his hand during the Passing of the Peace, and he continued to smile. Maybe he's starting to feel more comfortable at our church now that he's been there a little longer. Also -- after church, we had a potluck luncheon (fantastically timed because no food places are open on campus). During the luncheon, the music director played show tunes and everyone sang along! TGFC showed his goofy side by dancing with a paper plate, pretending it was a top hat, and by singing along on some of the other songs. Fun times!

Unexpected time

I laid down for a nap around 5:15pm this afternoon and set my alarm for 7:50pm (so I'd be ready for RA building rounds at 8pm). I woke up at 5:45pm feeling very rested. When I didn't fall back asleep in the next 15 minutes, I got up ... and decided to make productive use of my time.

Well ... :-)

So far, I haven't written out my formal lesson plan for tomorrow's observation of TWO CLASSES, back to back .... and I haven't painted my toenails yet. (Tomorrow's classy but professional outfit requires me to wear open-toed shoes .... in November, I know ... I really need to hem the pants so that I can wear them with other shoes more appropriate for the weather here in CoolCity.) In fact, all I've done is write an entry on my other blog ... and now this entry on this blog. I still have half an hour until rounds ... and I'm hoping they'll go quickly so I can get back here and get some work done before watching House at 9pm with my girls!

Shyness

I've had no visitors for about a month. Why? I'm shy. I'm afraid that sometimes I put too much personally identifying information on here, and I don't want people who know me in Real Life to recognize me. I like the anonymity of this blog, as compared with other online journals I've kept. I still keep a blog elsewhere, but I tend to write more of what I'm actually feeling here.

I'm also shy because I am hesitant about commenting on others' blogs. I am a steady follower of maybe a dozen blogs written by educators, mothers, academics, photographers, musicians ... When I try to figure out the common thread between them, I suppose it's because I admire these people. They're doing what they can to live as best as they know how, and they find humor in the world around them.

Reading what they write is like reading a dozen different novels simultaneously. It doesn't bother me to be in the middle of more than one book at a time. I've always enjoyed having books to read for different moods or situations. Right now, I'm still reading Henry James' novel ... and I'm reading the testimony of a Christian who worked as a smuggler during a war.

Because I admire these people and I'm fascinated by the stories they tell, I'm super-shy about commenting on their blogs. Why? Because ... I'm just a silly undergraduate. I second-guess what I might say because ... I don't actually know these people. Or rather- they don't know me. Even if I've been a dedicated reader for a few months, we have no history. I'm just some random person from somewhere else in the country (or world) who happens to enjoy what they write.

If you're reading this, it's probably because I finally got over myself and told you how much I enjoy your blog! :-)

Awkwardness, anyone?

Tonight, I went to a show with which ExBoyfriend was involved. I had performed with the company my freshman year and I enjoy musical theatre productions. I went alone. I sat by myself because even though I saw people I knew, there weren't empty seats near them. I had just taken my seat when ExBoyfriend's kid sister came over. She's such a sweetheart and I was happy to see her. She invited me to sit with her family. I adore his family. I hadn't seen them for quite some time. We talked before the show, during intermission, and afterwards too. Both of his parents are in my future profession. ExBoyfriend's mother was telling me that she'd give me copies of the pictures she was taking of her son. I began to wonder then ...

After the show, she told me to make sure he behaved himself at the cast party. I knew then. She also made a point to congratulate the musical director who complimented her son's abilities and contribution to the production. She said, "Oh, we're all proud of him," gesturing to those of us around, "his parents, his sisters, girlfriend..."

Of course, I didn't say anything. It would have been rude and inconsiderate of me to make everyone feel awkward because of the situation. So I kept my mouth shut, smiled (although I probably winced slightly), and glanced over at ExBoyfriend and saw that he looked uncomfortable.

He has not told them. It's been three weeks, exactly 3 weeks ago today. Sure, I know he's nonconfrontational and quiet about stuff ... but seriously? Did I impact his life so little that he can't even be bothered to tell his family? Maybe he's ashamed. Maybe he had regrets. Maybe he didn't care enough to acknowledge it.

We almost broke up last February. The week before Valentine's Day. Same reasons. I never got to see him and he wasn't making any effort. I was frustrated because when we did have time together, he would barely speak. We'd mostly sit in silence or watch movies or just listen to music. No intellectual bonding. After 3+ weeks of this, I was fed up. So I ended things.

Two or three days later, he asked to talk to me. He deeply cared about me and wanted to try again. I too had had a change of heart over that time but had wanted him to make the effort to show that he cared. Our relationship blossomed, and in April, we sincerely told one another, "I love you."

On the day we broke up, one of the things I told him was, "Last February, you cared so much and you were so committed to making this work. You told me, 'I need you.' How did that change? Why did it change?"

Of course, it was a rhetorical question. It made him feel uncomfortable. He didn't try to respond.
~*~*~
I did love him. He was the first ( and so far, only) guy I've ever loved. But during the course of this semester, when he wasn't there for me ... every phone call unmade, every kiss not shared, every tear unseen served to break down that love. I know it was there, but it wasn't nurtured. At some point, the fragility gave way ... and since then, I've been left with only lukewarm memories.

To me, lost love is like a dandelion. At first, you're startled by its brilliant, vibrant color. How could this flower ever be called a weed? Its fresh appearance begins to fade ... but maybe you don't notice because you still remember how optimistic it looked. Or maybe you try to remember what it looked like and you close your eyes so you don't see the flower changing before you. Suddenly, you become aware that this flower-weed has become a cloud of cotton between your fingers. If you're not gentle, the fragile wisps of what-was will float away, leaving you with nothing. Someday, I'd like a real flower.

Scheduling and Fun Times!

I've always had a tough time when it comes to scheduling because the classes required for my degree, scheduled within MyBuilding, usually end up conflicting with the regular core classes I have to take. Additionally, I'm in the Honors College, so the core classes I have to take have to be Honors level so that I can graduate with honors.

Heading into my final semester, where I have to take more core classes than ever before, I dreaded scheduling. Sure enough, when I figured out which classes I still needed to take, there were conflicts! So ... I emailed the director of the Honors College program. He wrote me an extremely kind and very understanding email with clear compromises that will actually work! I am soooo grateful! And -- I have room for electives! I could even take TWO electives! I've never had room for electives before! I'd love to take a foreign language but all of the introductory courses are offered at inconvenient times. (Maybe I should take a lower-level Spanish course ... to refresh my Spanish skills-- it's been 4 years since I took AP level in high school!) I'm so excited that I actually get to pick classes that I want to take, classes that weren't predetermined for my major. Since my tuition covers 18 credits, and since that is the number of credits I've had to take every semester in order to graduate on time, I'm definitely gonna take 18 credits again!
~*~*~*~*~*~

BestFriend took me on a date last night. When Ex-Boyfriend and I broke up, she told me she'd take me out for drinks to celebrate/commiserate. So ... last night, we went to the Cheesecake Factory! I got a margarita and a Toblerone cheesecake-- yummy! We came back to campus and had been planning to watch a movie ... but we ended up chatting with friends outside her building for a while. By the time we got upstairs, her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend were watching TV ... so we came back to my room where we watched an episode of "The Nanny" before parting ways.

Today, we had been planning to go to an outside market. Unfortunately, the weather didn't allow for that, so we went to the mall instead. After no success in several stores, we decided to stop in one more- just in case. I noticed a gorgeous dark blue silk dress on the rack and decided to try it on just for fun. An hour later, I bought the dress, matching earrings, and 2 sweaters to add to my professional dress wardrobe! BestFriend reminded me that I have an excuse to wear the dress: My residents (sophomore girls) encouraged me to go to MySchool's Christmas Ball with a group of them and I relented. :-)

It's 9:30pm and past my bedtime, but ...

Yesterday, Cooperating Teacher was at a workshop all day with 9 students. That left the substitute teacher (a friend of mine from MySchool) and me with all the kids.

Fortunately, first class was simple because most of the students had gone on the field trip. I allowed the remaining students to use in-class time to work on a review sheet they'd been assigned. Bonuses of making that choice: 1) They weren't going to complete the worksheet on their own otherwise, so this forced them to practice their work. 2) I am regarded as "benevolent student-teacher who understands how time-consuming being a high school student really is" because I gave them this time. 3) Even after this gift of time, we still had some time left over to review some of the more difficult content and they will be more prepared for the exam than their peers who went on the field trip.

Second class: The kids were definitely more chatty than the last time without Cooperating Teacher. We still managed to get a lot accomplished, they are viewing me more favorably and have more respect for my knowledge and proficiency in my subject area, and ... my pedagogy worked-- the new concepts I introduced were easy after the fun preparation activities I did with them. I got bonus points for my benevolence with this class because I explained how I'd convinced Cooperating Teacher to let me work on material with them which he had planned to make them responsible for learning on their own. They had a really strong grasp on it by the end of class! Yay!

Third class: Also soooo much better behaved than the last time Cooperating Teacher was absent. My pacing was a little slow and I lingered on the first part of my lesson plan longer than I probably should have ... but the students stuck with it (and me).

Afterwards, I had a great chat with the Sub, a former colleague of mine. He gave me tips about interviewing, networking, etc. It's funny to think that 3 years ago, we were classmates. Now, he's already in the field ... and I'm gonna be there soon!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I was shocked today to learn of the engagement of two of my classmates (to one another), especially when I remember that the guy and I almost dated two years ago. Alas, it wasn't meant to be. It would have been a forbidden romance because he had broken up with one of my close friends two months before after they had dated for about 2 months ... and as is common in our school environment, a great deal of drama resulted from this. So he decided he was no longer interested in me because of the complications that would inevitably arise. Now he's engaged, and I'm incredibly happy for both of them.

I was talking with BestFriend about this today: As a senior in college, I see that many people around me are getting engaged and married. I can't even begin to fathom making that kind of commitment right now. BestFriend, who is engaged herself, told me,

"Estrella, you've said many times that you don't know where you're going to end up after Graduation! You're open to different geographic areas ... you've even thought about looking into teaching abroad! Your possibilities are virtually unlimited. For you to even think about making a permanent relationship commitment is just TOO MUCH. If you met the right guy, it could certainly happen ... because you, as a person, could be ready ... but I just don't think that you'd be able to limit yourself in that way at this moment."

I interjected, "I don't think I'm even in a good position to meet people right now. There weren't even any eligible guy teachers at the PlacementSchool faculty meeting today." (I had hoped there would be; my cooperating teacher told me the story of how one of his former student-teachers had been asked out by 3 different guys on the way to the copy room one day, and she just married one of them in the last year. Not that I was expecting anything like that to happen to me ... but ... I had hoped to see some younger, attractive male teachers ... *smile*)

We joked about the different places I might meet guys ("Hey, what about that guy at church?" "Well, it's a bit difficult when he seems to ignore me!") ... and I'm truly OK with it. It= being single, not being in a relationship, not headed toward marriage any time soon. I know I'm young, I have plenty of time ... and I'm pretty sure I don't want to settle down right now. BestFriend is right: I have so many different open paths laid ahead of me ... and I honestly don't want to limit my opportunities right now. God may certainly change that ... but I'm also willing to wait for His timing. I have to admit- I do secretly hope that His timing will be sooner (i.e. next 5 years) rather than later (10+ years) ... but I know things will turn out for the best. God always does a better job than I do. :-)

Getting stuff done

It took almost 2 1/2 months, but I just erased my grandmother's phone number from my phone. It finally felt OK to do that. I also just washed the (clean) coffeepot and mug my parents had gotten from her apartment after her death.

Done: Laundry. Washed other dishes. Changed bed sheets. Changed special ring tone from Ex-Boyfriend's number back to normal ring tone. Took down bulletin board. Took down some Halloween decorations around floor. Recycled both huge boxes of cans and bottles which have been accumulating for quite some time.


Still to do:
*Ironing that I've needed to do for nearly a month. My clothing options have been limited. I'd like to vary my outfits more.
*Absentee ballot
*Type up treasure hunt stuff
*Hang up posters
*Throw out dead flowers and clean the vase
*Hang up signs around the floor (and find masking tape first)
*Put together a package for my sister
*Respond to the letters and cards I've gotten in the past 3 weeks
*Re-register for a couple of my professional organizations
*and the list goes on and on and on ... but I feel better already

Happy Halloween! ... and tangents

I got my CT to promise he'd wear whatever Halloween costume I brought for him today. So... last night, I went to Ex-Boyfriend's building and borrowed some essentials.

Today, I wore my black pants and an orange turtleneck (with cute, jingly pumpkin socks!) and left all the costume pieces for both CT and me in my car during Homeroom. I didn't want his students to see our costumes before their regular classes!

During his planning period, I retrieved the costumes: For him-- the Phantom of the Opera mask, accompanying cape and white gloves ... and ... a Wagnerian Brunhilde helmet with horns. (The Phantom costume by itself was nice-- but the helmet was added for the extra humor!) I think he got a kick out of having his students guess the two different parts of his costume. :-) The kids LOVED what he wore-- and some insisted on using their cell phones to take pictures of his costume.

I was a bit more conservative~ I wore a lovely Renaissance gown that I wore in high school- a costume my mom made for me years ago when I was part of a small group which performed repertoire from the Renaissance era. While it felt a little snug up top, it was also well-received. The girls were very complimentary. :-)

I had thought about going on rounds (I'm on RA duty tonight) in my costume-- but decided that maybe I better not. Most people don't have classes tomorrow and I imagine they're taking advantage of that. (There have been parties every night since Thursday.) Don't want them to be any more disoriented (due to my costume) than they probably already are (or are preparing to be).

Speaking of parties, I went to my first Halloween party on Friday. (Is it sad that it was my first-- as a senior in college?) The theme was "Snakes and Ninjas on a Plane" and it was mostly attended by students at a NearbySchool, all of whom seemed to know each other through their shared Christian denomination campus ministry programs. I had some really great conversations with intelligent people -- laughs, pictures, music, good times. I met a really cute guy who's involved in heading up the Campus Ministry programs at NearbySchool ... Definitely the type of guy I'd like to meet ... but ... his Christian denomination is different than mine. This is no problem with me-- if he's living for my God, that's what counts ... But ... I don't know if he's one of those super-followers of his denomination who tend to refer to themselves as their representatives of their denomination, rather than simply a believer in Christ. The type of follower who might only date followers of his particular denomination. A denomination to which I'm not willing to convert because certain traditions and beliefs are not Scripturally-based. Aack! Why am I overanalyzing this cute guy from the party?!

I think my overanalysis might result from a comment I heard from BestFriend who had also been at the party. We had gone to the opera two weeks ago with many of the same people who were at this party -- and apparently while BestFriend and I visited the Ladies' Room that night, one of the guys in said group made many derogatory comments about non-denomination Christians (i.e. "All Christians not of his particular denomination should just die.") ... Isn't that just an awful thing to say? My whole philosophy is that we Christians are all members of Christ's church -- even if we have slightly different beliefs. Therefore, we need to work together to promote the Gospel. Being divided and biased against one another dampens the effectiveness of our mission and ministry.

I doubt I'll hear from the guy at the party ... but there is a cute guy at church too. :-) I smiled at him the other day just because I was smiling at the person standing next to him, and we did make eye contact-- but no response from him. Can't tell if he's just shy or if he thought I was interested and he's trying to nip that in the bud. Then ... during the service, he was giving out communion (he's a seminarian) ... and he was just about to serve communion to me when one of the other servers reached me first. I looked up from my prayer and it was like this awkward pause while he stepped back and the other guy gave me communion. Then after the service, I waited in the sanctuary, sitting next to another member of the congregation, to listen to the organ postlude before retrieving my belongings ... and the guy passed me, made eye contact with the man next to me (and maybe nodded slightly- not sure), and avoided me completely! *sigh* There's always next Sunday ... :-)

I just got the sweetest email today. My Cooperating Teacher at my former student-teaching placement wrote me an update on how the kids are doing. To me, I feel so comfortable and busy at my new placement that while I've thought about my kiddies over at school #1, I haven't had time to dwell on those thoughts. This was their first week without me.

Hi Estrella-

3rd Grade Cellist said it felt empty without you. : (

A group this afternoon asked me if I was lonely without you. They said
they miss you. I told them that I was too busy to be lonely but I sure
did miss you.

I wish you could have heard Returning Weak Violinist today. Whatever you did to
inspire her to practice worked! She played through pages 24 and 25
without flaw. Her posture matched RWV's Lesson Partner's. She read notes correctly
and played in tune. (Her fluency was actually better than RWVLP's.
Yes, I am talking about RWV! Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

The beginner groups are performing beautifully! They're being nice to
the bunny (a teaching tool we use to remind the kids about having good technique) and curving fingers on the tape! You gave them a great
foundation. Thank you!!!!!!!!

Cooperating Teacher


I still have to write entries about Church/Dinner with my CT and colleagues last Saturday ... and all of my adventures this week from Student-teaching placement #2. I'm going to one, possibly two, Halloween parties tonight ... I'm attending a workshop tomorrow ... going to the ballet tomorrow night (after BestFriend cooks me dinner), possibly going out for BreakUp Drinks with BestFriend after the ballet ... and Sunday, I may go to a performance of Mozart's Requiem in the afternoon after church.

I will write sometime. Hopefully I'll find time this weekend. :-)

Tell Me on a Sunday

The title of the post comes from an Andrew Lloyd Webber song.

Things with Boyfriend have been rough since the beginning of the semester. We made a compromise: he'd call in the evenings when he came back from his various activities and we'd still have our Tuesday night two-hour-long "dates" for dinner- in the cafeteria in the building where I work on Tuesdays.

For the past 2 weeks, we've had a half hour each Tuesday because his class beforehand would inevitably run late ... or he stayed after without bothering to tell me ahead of time. And the other part of our compromise? He called maybe 3 times that first week, maybe twice the next week, and not at all this week.

I saw him after his show last night and he actually was free to hang out. We began talking, and I asked a lot of questions about his activities and his life in general. Then in what seemed like the middle of our conversation, he randomly asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I was disappointed and somewhat hurt that he seemed to have no interest in our first real conversation in over 2 weeks. I said, "OK" anyway but ended up falling asleep during the middle of the movie. After the movie was over, we parted ways because we'd made plans 2 weeks ago that we'd spend today together. (I had to ask him if he'd pencil me into his calendar and if he'd make sure that it was just "us" time- no other obligations, but a free day to go do something or just hang out.)

He told me last night that he'd scheduled a lesson during our time together today ... and he'd also made plans to stop home in the morning before we got together. This morning, he called an hour later after he said he would (11am instead of 10am). We met for lunch and then walked downtown.

As we were approaching one of CoolCity's green areas, I felt convicted; I knew I had to say something to start the inevitable discussion about the state of our relationship. I prayed that God would give me the words to speak.

"I've been unhappy," I managed to say. Realizing that we were by the green area, I suggested we sit down by the fountain. (I hope it didn't seem premeditated to him, but the benches were conveniently nearby.)

"I've been unhappy ... and frustrated with our relationship so far. I feel like the compromise we made a few weeks ago hasn't been working. I feel like I've tried to make an effort-- I've called you but those calls haven't been returned. I've tried to be so supportive and encouraging because I understand that everything you're doing-- all of your activities-- are so important to your future. You're making those connections, getting your name out there, getting great job experience. But-- I've been unhappy." When I stumbled over some of these words and tears escaped, he took my hands in his own.

He told me how in a previous relationship, he'd been "forced" to call his girlfriend every night, and how that routine had become a dreaded one for him. He's not much of a talker (I know and respect that), and he felt like we weren't as close emotionally anymore because we don't have any shared experiences. If we were in a group more often, he'd feel more comfortable. But-- he doesn't have the time for group stuff. His closest friends hardly ever see him anymore. He's just too busy.

Neither of us could think of an alternative way to make the relationship work. During this whole conversation on the bench, the sun slowly shifted. As we began talking, we were in direct sunlight. The sun's rays were beautiful and warm and birds hopped over around us. As this conversation continued, the sun edged away, leaving us in shadow. I didn't even realize the sunlight had left us until the breeze chilled me and I saw that we were sitting in the shade. An appropriate metaphor for our relationship. I still remembered the warmth of the sunshine and I longed for it, but the shadow had come across us without us being aware of its presence.

We walked again, several more blocks around downtown for the next hour. He wanted to avoid saying the cliche, "Let's just be friends," but he did eventually say something along those lines.

"How would you feel about taking a step back and re-establishing our friendship? I feel like we've lost some of that."

"I think it might be easier," I said slowly, "because my expectations of friendship would be different. I still love you,"

"I love you too," he interjected.

I continued, "I think it might be hard though, especially next semester when circumstances are not the same as they are now, since I'll be a 'regular college student' again and no longer a student-teacher. But with things as they are now, it might be better for both of us." We continued walking as we thought about these words.

We were within a block of the school when he took both of my hands in his. "Where do you want to go from here? Both long-term and short-term." He said the latter while indicating our proximity to campus.

We chose to remain friends, with no expectations of anything more in the future. We hugged after deciding this ... and lingered in the embrace. He asked if he could kiss me "one last time," and his voice faltered on the word "last." We kissed briefly, and I remembered the first time he asked to kiss me. We continued walking back to campus and parted ways at our respective residential buildings.

I tried calling BestFriend but she's out with her fiance right now picking out a reception hall for their wedding. *sigh* Tonight, I'm going to church and out to dinner with my cooperating teacher and colleagues from the school where I just finished up my student-teaching.

I'm disappointed now ... and sad ... and I feel guilty because I also feel some relief. I do believe God was with me, and I pray that He'll continue to guide me- in my life, my relationships, everything. *sigh* Right now, I feel like drinking a TaB (my mom's favorite soda and thus, my "comfort food" because it reminds me of home) and watching a movie not requiring thought.

Pizz. doesn't stand for Pizza!

On Tuesday, there was a flood in our school building. The art room had a few inches of standing water. Some of that water leaked through the wall and into the general music room. And- of course, there was water in the hallway too. So our music wing was cut off from the rest of the school! I was standing in the hallway with my cooperating teacher, her colleagues, and the administration trying to figure out what to do. We suggested that the kids could still come to the band and orchestra rooms through the auditorium instead of through the wet hallway. This idea was approved, but we were told that all of the children had to be escorted through the auditorium to the classroom. (They are 3rd-5th graders.) My cooperating teacher said, "No problem! She [pointing to me] can teach all day and I'll run them back and forth." So it was agreed.

Even though we were allowed to use the auditorium to walk through, we weren't permitted to hold chorus in there. Go figure! So ... we got to use the District Conference room (as used by the general music classes during that day too). I did a goofy stretching warm-up to a Halloween Disney CD I bought at the dollar store. The kids loved it. Then we did a vocal warm-up to a silly Halloween song-- just because I wanted to have some extra fun with them that day. Then -- on to repertoire! Yay!

~*~*~*~*~

My professor came to observe and evaluate my student-teaching on Wednesday. The 3 (5th Grade violin) girls were well-behaved- when present! The first girl came in a few minutes late, and I waited a moment before deciding to just go ahead and work with her until the other girls arrived. We worked on the G Major arpeggio in preparation for one of their concert pieces. Then we worked on the E minor scale (aurally, analytically, then technically) in preparation for another concert piece. Then as we were talking about fingering for certain notes, Girl #2 came in. Yay! So we talked about the notes and the fingerings together. Then we played. Then, as we were packing up, Girl #3 came in.

Overall, the observation went more smoothly than the last one, even with the chaos of trying to adjust to circumstances beyond my control. My professor was very pleased, and I've now passed Student-teaching part 1 of 2!!!

Oh, and the reason why the girls were late to the lesson? It was Pizza Day in the cafeteria!

(If anyone actually reads this blog, and you're not musically inclined, pizz. stands for pizzicato, the technique string players use when they pluck the string)

Nearly 13/16 done

8 semesters. 16 half-semesters. I'll be moving on to my second student-teaching placement next week. Even though my friends in regular classes have had their course midterms, this week is the turning point for me. (Of course, I'm not counting the extra 2+ weeks that I'll be at this placement ... nor am I counting the days when I have school but my MySchool friends won't -- i.e. Thanksgiving Break.)

Still ... this is it. I'm getting observed tomorrow again. The half-hour lesson with my 3 squirrelly but still talented violinists. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to demonstrate to my prof that I can actually model on the instrument (and not just model the easy way- with my voice). :-) After writing this, I should probably go practice for that!

I miss practicing. I never thought I'd say that. I went to a concert the other night at which my private teacher (from pre-student-teaching days, because we're not allowed to take private lessons while student-teaching) performed. She was outstanding. Watching and hearing her made me want to practice. It also made me realize how frustrated she must have been with me as her student. Especially last semester. I was being pulled in far too many directions, most beyond my control, and my lessons suffered the most. My grade, a B, reflected that. (I've gotten B+'s in college, but never below that. In fact, I don't even remember the last time I earned below a B+ ... even in high school. *thinks some more* Oh wait, I do: I earned 85% in gym class my freshman year because I walked most of the mile run, lacking the proper endurance, and ended up failing that portion of my final. Thank you, exercise-induced asthma -- or laziness.)

Back to my private teacher: She told me that I should have been a performance major because my starting instrument was better than many performance majors'. And- I was bright. Instead, I chose Education-- because I never had the confidence for performance. I might have had the drive to do well if I weren't so freaked out about others hearing me when I practice. I'm not sure that I have the heart ... although when I do perform in small areas, my ego does appreciate the nods and compliments I receive. *shy smile*

What a disappointment I must have been to her. Making excuses here and there, some more legitimate than others. ("My ensemble director is killing my technique by forcing me to perform one way, and I have to spend more time in ensemble than in private lessons." "All these 1 credit classes, 1 credit- in print only because the workload is really more appropriate for a 3-credit course, suck up my time so that I don't have the energy left to practice if I want to maintain my health by getting sleep and maintain my sanity too" etc. ) *shakes head sadly*

Maybe I should go practice tomorrow. Whip my chops back into shape. So that I haven't backtracked from where I was last Spring and this Summer, and so that the next time I'm able to take a lesson from her, I'll deserve it.

Estrella clones

According to this fun website, there are approximately 17 people who share my first and last name in the country. Five of them are on Facebook. My middle name is more unusual-- if it were my first name, there would be "0" people with that name.

The sun'll come out ... or it might snow

Duty on Friday nights is rough because:
1) I have to be up at 6 on Friday mornings to get ready, commute, teach from 9-4pm, and then commute again
2) I return to MySchool at 4:30pm
3) I go on duty at 4:30pm
4) Technically, I'm not supposed to leave my room to go eat food (but I ignore that)
5) I'm supposed to go on building rounds, and usually, on Fridays, I don't get to sleep until well after 2am

Guess what I get to look forward to tomorrow? :-)

Maybe there are silver linings:
I'm stuck in my room. This either means I am extremely productive (like earlier this week on my weeknight duty!) or that I have an excuse to relax (the option I choose on most duty nights). I'm gonna try to get some ironing done tomorrow. And maybe watch a movie. And ... try to clean my pigsty of a room which had been improving until I brought back goodies from home!

Oops! 11:40pm and I should have been in bed nearly 2 hours ago in order to survive tomorrow- day and duty night. Maybe I'll have to open the bottled mocha frappucino waiting in my fridge ... (Even a couple sips of that perk me right up!)

'Night!

The Power of Prayer

When close friends of mine come to me with problems, I offer to pray for them and ask if they want to pray together. (My close friends are all believers.) When the tragedy occurred in my community earlier this year, one of my friends was more closely involved than I was. After we had responded as required by our profession, we prayed together and she shared with me her experiences that evening. When BestFriend needed guidance regarding her then-boyfriend (now-fiance), we prayed.

I know God does amazing things. I know from personal experience that He is faithful and loving. He listens to and answers prayer. But I didn't realize how powerful it is to even offer to pray for someone.

I've encountered three of my girls crying in the past week. One I saw last week-- because she had just broken up with her boyfriend of 3+ years. The other two were in the common areas last night-- one whose father had been in an accident (but is doing fine), and the other whose boyfriend in Iraq was stationed very near an area of multiple explosions yesterday and she had not heard from him.

I told each girl that I'd pray for her and the persons involved in the issue she was facing. (Usually, I'm not as direct about my faith with people because I suppose I try to live it more than speak about it. I mean, I'll pray for them, but I don't usually tell them that I am.) It was really moving for me when, after I told each of these girls that they'd be in my prayers, their faces became more peaceful and they really seemed to feel better already. Sharing my prayers for them seemed to convey more of my care and love for these girls than any sympathetic words or looks or hugs did. It's amazing how God works in our lives.

Home Sweet Home ... and some babbling

I drove home last night. Soooo good to be here, in the home where I grew up, with my family ... I haven't left the house all day. I haven't needed or wanted to. I haven't really done anything either. I've sat around, talked with my parents, eaten delicious homecooked meals ... and somehow, "nothing" is the everything I've needed. :-)

For the past hour and a half, I've been looking up Bridesmaid Duties online ... reading articles on how I get to help BestFriend prepare for her big day! I understand now why she's been obsessed with looking at wedding pictures, websites, etc. for the past few months! It's addicting! Who wouldn't be excited about throwing a party to celebrate YOU and your beloved? Dedicating your love for one another and your lives to God? A once-in-a-lifetime (traditionally, at least) opportunity?

After reading many, many articles online, I am also quite relieved that I am not the one getting married! I would not want to worry about planning the "biggest day of my life" when I've got other things at the front of my mind: graduating in May, job-searching (update on possible substitute position: the department chair will keep my information and notify me when he has more specific information on the opening, but he "applauded my enthusiasm and initiative!"), and whatever else ties into the job search: Will I have to move? What age level/ specific subject area will I be teaching? And of course, BestFriend's wedding is on my list now too!

I was planning on leaving Home mid-afternoon to get back to MySchool mid-evening. But ... BestFriend called this evening to inform me of an impromptu informal engagement party tomorrow night at her apartment. So ... I'll be leaving a little earlier than previously planned so that I can be there for her!

Which will be nice ... because ... then I can get to bed early before my big day of Mingling with Professionals in My Field. I'm excited about that too ... because I love meeting people ... and making connections! While I like having connections who help me out, I enjoy assisting others through those connections even more (i.e. getting two friends to sub for me at my regular Sunday gig).

*yawn* I've been trying to tear myself away from this computer for 45 minutes now ... 'night!

Cheers!

One of my colleagues at student-teaching placement told me he'd heard of an available substitute position at the very end of the school year. (Someone's expecting a baby!) The department head was concerned about how they would find someone who was qualified to teach (i.e. certified- with my future degree) for that portion of the year. So ... I emailed him, telling him how I'd heard of the opening and asking how I might apply. *crosses fingers* Possible job opportunity #1.

[There was about 20 minutes in which I did not write because I received a phone call from BestFriend. She said,

"Estrella, I need you to see you right now."

I asked her, "What's wrong? Do you need to come and talk? I'm on duty for RAFriend and can't leave the building."

"I'm at the bottom of your building. Please come down right now."

The elevator seemed to take longer than usual to arrive. I thought for sure that she had terrible news. Something had happened.

When I got down there, I saw her and her boyfriend, and she was holding a long box. She cried out,

"I'M ENGAGED!" She thrust out her hand to show me her beautiful, sparkling ring and opened the box, revealing the lovely long-stemmed roses inside!

BESTFRIEND is ENGAGED! We became close the fall of our sophomore year when she lived next door to me. We used to bang on our shared wall to announce our visits to one another. We stayed up late nights, talking about boys and our own first relationships (which had begun our freshman year and ended the summer before sophomore year). We talked about what we wanted in future relationships. And our faiths. And our families. And our hopes, wishes, dreams. While I had had other very close friends, she was really my first BestFriend. She told me the day after she encountered her [now] fiance's blog. She handed me the printout of their first IM conversation a week and a half later, the very night they'd talked for the first time. I was in her room when he first called her. I've listened to her talk about their relationship-- the wonderful things he did and the small issues which made her ask, "Should I break up with him?" (I'd never give her a clear opinion either way, but I'd always hint that he was really a fantastic guy and that her complaints, while important because they mattered to her, were not necessarily factors I'd consider as cause for terminating a relationship.) I spent time with the two of them on his first trip to CoolCity. I took the first picture of the two of them as a couple.

And now they're engaged! Godwilling, she'll be married this upcoming summer! BestFriend! Now a future bride! (Is it ironic that I'm now listening to Disney's Cinderella's "So This is Love" ?) *Sigh* I'm so happy for her that I can't stop beaming! So happy!!!!! (And not just because I'm going to be a bridesmaid!!!) BestFriend is going to be married!!!!!

Unresolved issues?

Last night, I went to bed before 10 because I've been telling myself for weeks now that I need to get into a habit of getting more sleep. Boyfriend called right after midnight, and after some sleepily mumbled greetings and monosyllabic responses, we said goodnight and hung up.

This morning, I'm not sure if I was awoken by the bizarre and disturbing dream I had or if I simply remembered it because it made such an impression on me.

The dream: I was in my car, driving somewhere. I was in the left lane (headed straight) at a stoplight which was red. I was really upset about something. There was one car in front of me at this light. The light turned green, and the car in front of me zoomed off. And even though I saw that the light was green, I couldn't make myself hit the gas pedal. I couldn't move. I knew there were cars behind me and they were getting really annoyed. The car directly behind me honked. But I couldn't move. And the light turned red again.

All of a sudden, my next memory in the dream was that I had just entered some sort of department store-- along the lines of a Gabriel's or TJ Maxx or possibly a touristy store. I was still really upset about something, but I was trying to look at some clothing (brightly colored, pastels maybe?) and a few employees were gathered over at the check-out desk, chatting about something. One saw me and came over.

"Do you need any help?"

I answered, "Yes. My grandmother's really sick and she's in surgery right now. And she's dying." Then I guess I must have had some realization or something because I said, "She died. and I need help. I can't do this. I have to go. I need help."

I was so shaken as I was dreaming this. I don't even know what caused this. The grandmother I was referring to in the dream is the same grandmother who just passed away at the end of August. My favorite grandmother, with whom I was close. And maybe that's why I realized as I was dreaming that she was dead. My close friend's grandmother just underwent surgery on Wednesday, and I was really praying about it. Her grandmother is 91 years old (two years older than Grandmama) and I was so scared that she wouldn't survive and that my friend would have to go through the grief I felt about my own grandmother.

Sometimes, I'm not sure that I've really worked through it. She passed away a week before I was going to try to drive the 5 hours to see her. (Then visit for a few hours, then drive back to CoolCity.) Her death was unexpected. Sure, she was 89 and her health had been declining (although no diseases or anything, just old age catching up) since I'd returned home in May. My family drove the several hours to see her in July. My mom told us that it would probably be for the last time, since we wouldn't be able to make it up there again until possibly Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how much longer she would make it.

So I was determined that I would drive from CoolCity to Grandmama's the first week of MySchool's classes, but the week before I would begin my student-teaching. It was the week before this that she passed away. Much earlier than anticipated. And I was in CoolCity, isolated from family and friends. That weekend, I wasn't able to go home. And I would have gone home the following weekend, but my parents drove up to Grandmama's apartment to clear it out and sort out her estate.

So I haven't been home. Compound that with a community tragedy in CoolCity. Which I had to directly respond to, as a professional. Add stress issues with Boyfriend not being around (an entry earlier in this week, I haven't learned how to link back). And too many duty nights as an RA. Mix with anxiety over future career concerns and sleep deprivation. And voila! You have my current mental state. Or at least my mental state of last weekend. I am feeling better today. This week, in fact. The students and my colleagues at the school are fantastic -- I couldn't have asked for a better student-teaching placement. It's a really good thing I finally get to go home this weekend -- I've been away for almost 2 months. And I've had to deal with more [emotional demands] in these past two months than ever before.

Back to my dream -- bizarre and disconcerting. I still have a hard time believing that Grandmama is really gone. I was thinking about her last night before I fell asleep- but I've never dreamed about her before. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a dream quite like this one- where I felt completely out of control and I just couldn't do anything.