Lost & Found

While in "Tar-zhay" yesterday, I stood in a side aisle to listen to a voicemail from my mom while Westley went looking for a special cord for our TV. When I hung up, I looked around and didn't see where he was.

I started walking down the main aisle when one of the salesmen asked me, "Can I help you find something?"

"Thanks," I responded, "but I'm actually looking for my husband."

Without missing a beat, he responded, "F1." Sure enough, that's where I found Westley.

Gotta love it.

99 vs. 1

Why is it human nature to take 99 good things in stride and fret over 1 negative thing?

A colleague and I presented a session recently to rave reviews. Several people from all stages in our common career- nearly 20% of those in attendance- came up afterwards to thank us personally for what we shared. I later received emails of gratitude which contained comments such as "FANTASTIC," "so informative," and "Your students are lucky to have you." I felt great about how we did; my goal had been for each person to take away at least one idea, and the affirmation we received from our peers seemed to confirm we met our goal.

Until.

I happened to see one scathing evaluation form because it was sitting out in the open. Stating that our session was "helpful only for beginning teachers," it accused us of having poor public speaking skills, and it specifically named me as coming across as an "awkward high school student."

Ouch. Really. Big. Ouch.

It's true that I look much younger than my years, even in a lovely tailored suit. It's also true that I was a little nervous at the beginning and that my opening segment could have been slightly more polished.

This one person's opinion basically attacked my biggest insecurities: that our collection of ideas wasn't really relevant or exciting (even though they've proven highly effective in our professional practice) and that our audience wouldn't take me seriously because I look young and inexperienced (even though my resume says otherwise).

Both of these accusations strongly contradict all of the feedback we received from other colleagues (including praise from one woman who has been in the field for nearly 50 years!).

Why is it that I'm having such a difficult time keeping all of this in perspective? Is it because my pride is hurt because this one person doesn't think I did a good job? Is it because my feelings are hurt because apparently not everyone liked me and because I'm perceiving this one comment as a personal attack? Is it because I'm fearing that my insecurities really are true and not just ridiculous bits of paranoia in my psyche? Maybe all of these things?

Wow. Writing this has been cathartic. Thinking through all that I've written today (and re-living how I felt when I first saw the review) is helping to give me a new perspective. One person's opinion is really not such a huge deal in the big picture. Overall, the majority of people responded very well to our session. While painful, the comment I read will help keep my inner diva (who very occasionally steps out on the stage in my mind) in check. I already knew that there are aspects of our presentation I'd want to improve if we are invited to share our session a third time in the future.

I was going to write that I should also keep in mind that there are plenty of people who do believe in me- not just those who responded well to our session, but rather people who've seen me in action. However, it's really not as relevant what others think, although I do so appreciate affirmation because it helps me believe in myself. The main thing to keep in mind is that I know I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing. Teaching really IS a calling, and I plan to continue for as long as it appears to be God's will for my life.

Changes

I was offered a new job. Two days after accepting it, we found a house and put in an offer immediately. Now that nearly 3 weeks have passed, my brain has started to make sense of the major changes I've put into motion.

The decision to accept the new job was not an easy one. Overall, I was blessed in my previous position. I had applied for the new position to see if the grass was greener on the other side. I don't know the answer to that, but I decided to take a chance. In the Bible, Paul writes, "Make the most of every opportunity," and another favorite quote (I don't remember the source) is "Opportunities multiply as they are seized." After much prayer, the choice to accept the offer felt .... right.

I regret that I wasn't able to say goodbye in person to the people who touched my life and/or my heart while I served in my previous position. Several colleagues responded to the group message I wrote. I also sent a note to a kind volunteer to ask if I could pass along her contact information to whomever is hired. Grateful for the chance to thank and say goodbye to her, I also expected that the news of my departure would be shared within the community.

I just heard from another parent today, asking if the rumor that I am leaving is true ... and saying she hoped it wasn't. I felt guilty as I read her message and composed my response. I believe God has guided the steps of my life and that I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing, but I will miss that school and community ... even as my excitement grows over my new position. I want my former students to remember me but I want them to love and respect their new teacher so that the success of the program continues. I've said my goodbyes and I need to back out of the way so that whoever is coming in doesn't experience what I did.

As a new teacher, I had students telling me into January that they wished my predecessor were still there. I remember thinking DURING my first concert in December that I should just quit my job because things weren't going as well as I expected they should. Part of me is nervous that I'll experience those negative aspects of my first year again as I step into a new position. I know I will hit the ground running and that this year will be tough as I adjust to a new school, new community, new and different courses, etc. However, I've worked intensely with this age group before ... and I'm hoping it won't take me long to overcome the learning curve!

Updates on the experiment

My vacation has officially begun. [Almost] 2 months of no school. We drove up to stay with Westley's parents on the very last day of school last week because his brother's family was visiting. We finally met our new nephew (4 months old). After a fun-filled 48 hours, we headed back so that I could attend a full day meeting. I've taken on a major volunteer role in my region so I'm now on the "Board" of a professional organization. I'm excited for my new role (although I wish it were paid), and I think it will be a great experience.

Although I'm slightly apprehensive about the time commitment, I feel strongly that NOW is the time in my career to be involved in this way - while I'm starting out. It is an excellent opportunity for learning and growth (and getting my name out there), and it will add a bit more meat to my resume. The other side is that even though I already go through phases in the year when I feel so overwhelmed and overworked, I really do have more time than I think I do ... and I certainly have more time now than I expect I'll have as a mother in a few years.

I started a new post a few weeks ago and almost finished it ... but ran out of time. To re-cap the other stuff in my life: I applied for two other jobs. Had two interviews at one in my area and was promised an interview at #2 "once they received my application." For #1, I was told not once, but twice, that I'd hear back "very soon." Nearly 4 weeks have passed since the second interview yet HR told me last week that no request had been submitted by administration to fill the position. I'm writing it off, even though I felt it had been promising, because the lengthy delay is a red flag ... and I think that if they really wanted me, it would have been offered. For #2, the promised interview never came. There wasn't even an acknowledgement of receipt of my materials. I've since learned from a colleague who got the job that the position really is not something I'd want anyway (more administrative duties, less actual time teaching). I'm glad for her although I wish I hadn't wasted hours of my life on the application.

Applying for these two other positions was an experiment to see if the grass really is greener on the other side; I'm in the best possible position for the age level I teach. With a strong tradition of excellence, a very supportive administration, and a great community, my program and my job are truly a blessing. Someday the grass may be greener elsewhere but right now it seems as though I'm meant to stay where I am ... and I'm content with that.

Seeking God's plan for me

I was 14 when I decided to become a music teacher. While I was sitting in my chorus class in high school, my teacher was working with one of the other voice sections. While sitting there, I remember thinking, "I could do that." When I share the story with others, I joke how egotistical that must sound. When the thought "I could do that" popped into my head, it wasn't so much that I knew I would be able to develop the skills I'd need but rather more of a realization that I had the interest and desire to pursue choral music as a vocation.

Like many college music ed students, I decided that I wanted to teach at the high school level. Many students enter the program with that feeling because that's the most recent experience they've had. For some, it was the quality or strength of their high school program that influenced their choice of what to study in college. For others, they simply wanted the challenge of being able to work with students on more complex music. There is so much more [good] music written for voices which are more developed, and it is challenging and time-consuming to sift through the available music to find quality pieces for less advanced groups.

Of the five interviews I had after grad school, only two were high school positions. I was not offered either job. Instead, I ended up at my current school - junior high - and I've grown to love this age group more than I ever imagined I would. I feel very strongly that this was God's will for me to serve where I've been for the past few years. For the most part, I'm blessed with great students from a supportive community. I have it better than many of my counterparts in that regard. This year marks the end of the first "generation" of students I've had; my oldest students have had me all three years at this school. Over time, the struggles I had as a new teacher have dissipated; the students know me and know how we do things in my classroom. They don't challenge or debate every little decision I make. They know I care about them all and they [usually] rise to the occasion and to the high standards I have. They don't exactly eat out of my hand like tame birds; they want so much to be independent. Well ... they want to feel like they can make choices and that they can be independent if they want to be, but they also want that nurturing and caring foundation to which they can return after they've stretched out their wings a little.

At the age level I teach, my position is much more about teaching than directing the ensemble. I teach and re-teach the basics: music literacy, music theory, performance standards, ear-training, healthy vocal technique ... and the list goes on and on. Each year, I have new students in every grade level who've never had any training before, and I re-teach the same information in as many ways as I can dream up. I create games or fun activities to teach the same concepts over and over and the kids who have me over multiple years haven't seemed to mind the constant review of material they've already learned. Even kids I've had for 3 years have struggled to retain some of the concepts we cover, so I see the validity in repeating so much of the content from year to year. It would be lovely, however, if the classes could be divided more by ability so that the kids who are really excelling could be challenged further. However, none of my requests to be involved with scheduling has ever been acknowledged. Because my classes don't have to pass a standardized test and because we have a third of the class time that the tested subjects have, I suppose my requests just aren't as important.

There are things that make me unhappy in my present situation, but overall, I'm content. I know I'm in a good place. However, that doesn't mean that I'm not looking for greener pastures. I still think I'd like to teach high school someday. I don't know if NOW is the time to move on, but I'm trusting that God will guide me to where He wants me to be. If He wants me to stay where I am, I know He'll show me. If He plans on moving me elsewhere, I'm sure He'll make that clear to me as well.

Two high school positions in my area have opened. I've applied for one and I plan on working on the application for the other today. Part of me feels extremely guilty and disloyal for even considering the thought of leaving my current school. When I talk to my kids about my plans for our choral program for the next school year, I feel like a part of me is being untruthful if I end up not being there. When my students have told me that their friends and/or younger siblings have signed up for my class for next year because they've raved all about me and the fun things we do, I feel guilty. When I took my choir to perform last week at an event after we were honored with an invitation, I thought, "How can I leave these kids?"

I shared my concerns with a friend/mentor to whom I confided my plans to apply for the two other positions. She acknowledged how I was feeling and lightly teased me for over-worrying.

"You don't have a decision to make yet. You don't have to know that you will accept a position before it's even offered to you. You don't have to consider all these things unless you do receive an offer. It sounds like you're seeking permission to try for these opportunities, and you should try because I know it's what you want to do. That way you won't feel guilty if the opportunity had passed you by and you had done nothing."

So ... I'm praying that God will make it clear. If I am presented with a choice, I pray that He will guide me to whichever choice is aligned with His will for my life. If I am not presented with a choice- if I don't receive an offer- then I will be able to feel at peace knowing that I tried and that I was simply meant to stay where I am.

Trends

The first wedding I attended of a peer was after my sophomore year of college. My [guy] friend was in the same year I was; he and his girlfriend just didn't want to wait any longer to get married. They said they knew they wanted to be together so they went ahead and got married.

After college graduation, there were a number of weddings ... BestFriend, my closest friend from high school, and two other couples from my alma mater. I learned about others getting married through Facebook (friends in college, barely acquaintances now), and Westley and I got married.

Now it's the sea of babies. More than half a dozen of my colleagues at school have given birth in the past two years. More baby pictures have popped up online ... pictures of former classmates and friends with whom I'm not in much contact other than Facebook. A friend from my childhood church, a mentor/friend I've known for a decade, and my closest friend from high school are all currently expecting.

While hanging out with a good teacher friend and her year old son at a school event a few weeks ago, I was asked more than once when I was going to have one of my own.

"I'm still a newlywed!" I protested. "I have plenty of time!" Westley and I are in no hurry ... I'm content to play with my friends' babies and hand them back to their mamas when they suddenly decide they're hungry or wet. I figure we'll consider having kids in a few years. Right now, I don't want that amount of responsibility. Thinking about being a mother sometimes makes me feel warm and fuzzy ... but more often, the thoughts are accompanied by a twinge of anxiety. I don't feel ready yet ... and I want to enjoy my time with Westley before I have to share him with little people! :)

New (temporary) job?

My parents still occasionally receive mail for me at their home, my permanent address until Westley and I were married. Last week, they received an official and unusual envelope for me.

"Estrella, we think you've gotten a notice for jury duty," they informed me.

"I don't understand how that could be," I replied. "I thought that was based on voting records, and I'm registered where I currently live, not at your address."

When Westley and I visited them for Easter yesterday, I was curious to see what was in store for me. Sure enough, the envelope contained a request for information so that I could be considered as a juror. It was addressed to me at my maiden name. I've now been married for well over a year, and my voting and driver's license information was changed more than a year ago too. Today, I called the voting records office near where my parents live; their records reflect the changes I had made, and the woman with whom I spoke indicated that the jury system may have found my name from an older list.

Because the information request simply directed me to make any changes to my name or address, I suppose it doesn't matter that their information is incorrect. I dutifully filled out the information request online ... and I am supposed to be called anytime within a year starting this June. I wonder what would have happened if my parents had moved and the mail couldn't have reached me?

As long as the summons doesn't interfere with 1) the crunch time before any of my performances or 2) my summer vacation, I don't mind serving. If, however, it majorly disrupts my plans, I will not be a happy camper. Apparently, however, there may be a perk ... my dad thinks that jurors get paid $25 each day they're called for duty. This is less than I make in one hour as a piano accompanist, but ... I guess it's better than nothing. It will be interesting to see how this pans out.