I had my last voice lesson today. It didn't really dawn on me ahead of time that this would be my final lesson here at MySchool. If I'd realized it, perhaps I might have been more motivated to start the paper earlier yesterday so that I would have had more than 3 hours of sleep. (Little sleep= yucky voice)
My voice teacher here really knows me better and cares about me more than any other educator I've had. She kicks me (hard) when I need it, and she comforts me when I need it. I've learned so much from her in the three years I've studied with her (I switched to her from an ineffective teacher after my first year), and my voice is slowly being freed from the airy yet tight cocoon it had nested in until she nurtured it out.
When I was sick my sophomore year and had no way of getting to the store, my voice teacher was the one who brought me a whole bag of get-well goodies from the convenience store (tissues, meds, vitamins, cough drops, Ramen noodles ... you name it).
She put up with me through my struggles in my degree program ... when jumping through the various hoops cost me my sleep and caused me extreme stress, which resulted in the loss of my voice at times. She celebrated victories with me (finally finding the "sweet spot" in my voice, moments when I was fully able to let go and just sing, getting the solo in the Beethoven earlier this semester, etc) ... and I know she cares just as deeply for her students as I care for her.
She told me to stay in touch. I'm hers, and she would love to hear me and work with me whenever I visit the area.
"It's not about the money," she said, "I'm here for the rest of your life. I'm so glad I had you. It's about ..."
"It's that ... you're my teacher." I finished. We embraced, both of us fighting hard to keep tears at bay.
And I know it's not really a goodbye, because I do plan to take her up on her offer to get together (even if just to talk, not necessarily for a lesson) ... but I'm crying now as I write this because I suppose it's really starting to sink in. I won't be here next fall. I really will be off doing other things. I'll be at another school that will be my school, but it won't ever be MySchool, not in the way this place is. I can't believe I won't see these amazing people (who I'm lucky enough to call my friends and teachers!) every day in the music school and on campus. And this area- I won't be able to walk downtown to hear the orchestra and see the opera and the ballet. I probably won't be able to walk to church wherever I am ... and I'm so privileged to sing and worship where I do here.
Everything is going to change. And somehow, getting only three hours of sleep last night and finally finishing the assignments for a class this evening (which became the bane of my existence over the second half of the semester) have made me realize this. Somehow, saying a temporary goodbye to the person who has mentored me most over the past 3 years through this program makes this graduation (and resulting separation) so much more real. And as excited as I am about the future (workshop abroad this summer, GA program at RuralSchool next year) ... I'm also starting to realize how much I am desperately going to miss this until I adjust to the new Normal Life. And it's painful. And sad. And bittersweet. And heart-wrenching, when I consider that I may never see some of these wonderful people again.
Taking a deep breath now. Sniffling. Sighing.
I probably better get some more rest so that I can think clearly on the most intellectually challenging final I'll have this week- tomorrow. I can't allow myself to dwell on this until I've gotten through the chaos which is my final week here.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Warm outside and inside
One final and one paper down. Huge project and two finals left. Last week of undergrad!
My final exam this morning was for my foreign language course; this class was my first and ONLY elective in my entire four years here at MySchool. My major requires us to take 18 credits -no electives- every semester except for when we student-teach. Thanks to AP credits and a lenient Honors College chair, I actually had some free space in my schedule this semester! Because I'm paying my money's worth, I was going to take all the credits my full-time tuition allowed ... and I'd wanted to take a language ever since I came here. I had hoped to start studying a new language, but alas, none of them fit into my schedule. So ... I took this particular language again, as a refresher course.
Anyway, my professor for this class is a very sweet woman. She may be a little scatter-brained (as I certainly am!), but she genuinely cares about her students. When I came in today, she asked if I was graduating. I nodded. She said, "Oh, you should have told me!" (I guess I figured she knew.) Then she handed me my final and I sat down to take the exam.
While I was working on the exam, she slipped me a note. On it she had written a very inspirational Scripture verse (she knows I am a believer, as she is), best wishes for my future (as a musician and an educator) and she wrote about how it had been a pleasure to have me in class!
Wow.
I've written these notes for my teachers and professors, but I've never received such a note from one of them!
Unfortunately, this professor does not have an office or mailbox on campus, and I'm afraid that she might not receive a handwritten note if I were to send one. So ... I'll respond with email.
Still ~ that totally made my day! What a sweet and thoughtful gesture! :-)
My final exam this morning was for my foreign language course; this class was my first and ONLY elective in my entire four years here at MySchool. My major requires us to take 18 credits -no electives- every semester except for when we student-teach. Thanks to AP credits and a lenient Honors College chair, I actually had some free space in my schedule this semester! Because I'm paying my money's worth, I was going to take all the credits my full-time tuition allowed ... and I'd wanted to take a language ever since I came here. I had hoped to start studying a new language, but alas, none of them fit into my schedule. So ... I took this particular language again, as a refresher course.
Anyway, my professor for this class is a very sweet woman. She may be a little scatter-brained (as I certainly am!), but she genuinely cares about her students. When I came in today, she asked if I was graduating. I nodded. She said, "Oh, you should have told me!" (I guess I figured she knew.) Then she handed me my final and I sat down to take the exam.
While I was working on the exam, she slipped me a note. On it she had written a very inspirational Scripture verse (she knows I am a believer, as she is), best wishes for my future (as a musician and an educator) and she wrote about how it had been a pleasure to have me in class!
Wow.
I've written these notes for my teachers and professors, but I've never received such a note from one of them!
Unfortunately, this professor does not have an office or mailbox on campus, and I'm afraid that she might not receive a handwritten note if I were to send one. So ... I'll respond with email.
Still ~ that totally made my day! What a sweet and thoughtful gesture! :-)
Friday, April 27, 2007
One week remaining ...
Interview at "awesome job" yesterday was not really an interview. The principal informed me that he didn't want to give me an advantage over the other candidates (who won't be interviewing for another 2 weeks) because he would want me to return for that interview session. Instead, we had a nice dialogue. He told me outright that I was the top candidate (then he corrected himself and said I was among the top 2 candidates; that, in his opinion, it was really between another girl and me). Wow. I know my resume and MySchool's name carry a lot of weight in my field (yay!) but I certainly wasn't expecting that lovely compliment.
After I talked with him (we met at 7AM -- I had to get up at 4am and leave by 5:30am), he took me to the choir room. Along the way, he introduced me to teachers in the hallway, explaining to each one that I was a candidate for the position. When he left me with the teacher (who's currently retiring from the position), he gave me permission to "roam the school, look around, etc." for as long as I wanted. (I don't know that I'll ever be that lucky again to have the opportunity to do that on an "interview"- the opportunity to poke through the library, pick the brains of potential colleagues, meet many of the kids, etc.)
I chatted with the teacher for a while, but then she and the choir kids left for a field trip. So I talked with the other teachers in the arts department. For a few hours. It really is my dream job in so many ways- supportive prinicipal (a former coach himself, he told me that music performances come before sports games), friendly and helpful colleagues, great system already in place, nice kids, mentoring from the previous teacher (she'll be around as a valuable resource), relatively familiar area ... the type of place where I could settle down.
And that last part ... the "nice place to settle down" is probably the reason I'm probably going to accept the assistantship instead of pursuing this job further. It's the type of job I'd love to have when I'm ready to settle down. And the thing is- I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm afraid that I might get too comfortable in this job and not desire more ... or ... that I'd be afraid to leave.
After one year in the teaching job, I'd have just that- a year of teaching experience. Invaluable? Yes. After one year with the assistantship, I'll have had personal mentoring on the skills on which I need the most work. More responsibility than I have now, but less than what I would have as a first year teacher. Good experience with someone to guide me along the way. A lifelong friend and mentor in the form of the Director of the Program. (Connections there too.) So I think that's where I belong. I feel so blessed to have these two opportunities, and I haven't even looked that hard yet! Imagine what else could be out there! I do want to explore it all. I don't want to settle down yet. So ... I think I've made my decision.
~*~*~*~
Other awesome news: I just found out today that I've been accepted to an international workshop for this summer! Yay!!!!! Three weeks in a "second-world" country where I don't speak the language, but I'll be learning so much in my field ... and networking ... and yay! Another stamp on the passport too. :-)
After I talked with him (we met at 7AM -- I had to get up at 4am and leave by 5:30am), he took me to the choir room. Along the way, he introduced me to teachers in the hallway, explaining to each one that I was a candidate for the position. When he left me with the teacher (who's currently retiring from the position), he gave me permission to "roam the school, look around, etc." for as long as I wanted. (I don't know that I'll ever be that lucky again to have the opportunity to do that on an "interview"- the opportunity to poke through the library, pick the brains of potential colleagues, meet many of the kids, etc.)
I chatted with the teacher for a while, but then she and the choir kids left for a field trip. So I talked with the other teachers in the arts department. For a few hours. It really is my dream job in so many ways- supportive prinicipal (a former coach himself, he told me that music performances come before sports games), friendly and helpful colleagues, great system already in place, nice kids, mentoring from the previous teacher (she'll be around as a valuable resource), relatively familiar area ... the type of place where I could settle down.
And that last part ... the "nice place to settle down" is probably the reason I'm probably going to accept the assistantship instead of pursuing this job further. It's the type of job I'd love to have when I'm ready to settle down. And the thing is- I don't think I'm ready for that. I'm afraid that I might get too comfortable in this job and not desire more ... or ... that I'd be afraid to leave.
After one year in the teaching job, I'd have just that- a year of teaching experience. Invaluable? Yes. After one year with the assistantship, I'll have had personal mentoring on the skills on which I need the most work. More responsibility than I have now, but less than what I would have as a first year teacher. Good experience with someone to guide me along the way. A lifelong friend and mentor in the form of the Director of the Program. (Connections there too.) So I think that's where I belong. I feel so blessed to have these two opportunities, and I haven't even looked that hard yet! Imagine what else could be out there! I do want to explore it all. I don't want to settle down yet. So ... I think I've made my decision.
~*~*~*~
Other awesome news: I just found out today that I've been accepted to an international workshop for this summer! Yay!!!!! Three weeks in a "second-world" country where I don't speak the language, but I'll be learning so much in my field ... and networking ... and yay! Another stamp on the passport too. :-)
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Unexpected song*
*No, this entry isn't really about a song ... I just adore that song title ... It's a piece by Andrew Lloyd Webber. :-)
So I'm driving home today, interviewing tomorrow, and driving back to CoolCity tomorrow night in order to attend the last BibleStudy for this school year. That's the plan.
My original plan had been to spend today and tomorrow writing my 10-page paper due next week. I also planned to start preparing for finals. Instead, I'll be spending between 10-12 hours in the car. Perhaps when I'm home, I'll be able to stop by the library to pick up an audio book on CD ... I love those!
Plan for today:
*Get ready for the day
*Gather all materials for interview (resume, references, possible questions, information I already know about the school district and position, portfolio, etc)
*Pack as mcuh stuff as possible to take home with me this week so I'll have less to move out next week
*Meet with former cooperating teacher to talk about the assistantship offer ... and now ... tips for this interview
*Drive home
*Prep some more for tomorrow
*Go to bed as early as possible since I'll probably have to leave my house by 6am in order to get to the school at the right time on Thursday/tomorrow (ouch)
I will survive. I will survive. I only have 9-10 days until I graduate (depends on which ceremony I decide to count as official). I will survive this madness ... time to start my to-do list and go get ready!
So I'm driving home today, interviewing tomorrow, and driving back to CoolCity tomorrow night in order to attend the last BibleStudy for this school year. That's the plan.
My original plan had been to spend today and tomorrow writing my 10-page paper due next week. I also planned to start preparing for finals. Instead, I'll be spending between 10-12 hours in the car. Perhaps when I'm home, I'll be able to stop by the library to pick up an audio book on CD ... I love those!
Plan for today:
*Get ready for the day
*Gather all materials for interview (resume, references, possible questions, information I already know about the school district and position, portfolio, etc)
*Pack as mcuh stuff as possible to take home with me this week so I'll have less to move out next week
*Meet with former cooperating teacher to talk about the assistantship offer ... and now ... tips for this interview
*Drive home
*Prep some more for tomorrow
*Go to bed as early as possible since I'll probably have to leave my house by 6am in order to get to the school at the right time on Thursday/tomorrow (ouch)
I will survive. I will survive. I only have 9-10 days until I graduate (depends on which ceremony I decide to count as official). I will survive this madness ... time to start my to-do list and go get ready!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
One More Monday...
... is all I have left here at MySchool. I nearly cried after one of my classes yesterday ... it was the final Music Ed class together for my classmates and me. We've worked our tails off during this four-year program and I've come to see these people as my friends ... and almost as siblings. Tonight we're all going out to dinner ... and then we won't be all together until graduation (although not all of us are graduating). It seems so surreal that this is all coming to a close.
[Insert pause in writing this entry because I just accepted a 2-part (piano) gig for next week ... Yay! $50 and networking!]
I got a call from two important administrators regarding the "awesome job" ... and I may have an interview on Thursday ... or it might on Friday ... or an interview on both days. (Neither one was available on both days, so it may be Thursday with one and Friday with the other!) I really just want to see whether or not this job is a good fit for me, and whether or not I'm a good fit for the job. I think that if I have the opportunity to visit the school and interview, I'll know whether I should accept the assistantship or if I should continue to pursue this job.
(Now I need to start packing stuff up so that I can bring back tons of stuff when I drive home this week ... and ... I need to update my portfolio ... and complete the application for the "awesome job" district, and get directions to the school & etc. ... and I have to make myself beautiful for the dinner outing this evening!) :-)
[Insert pause in writing this entry because I just accepted a 2-part (piano) gig for next week ... Yay! $50 and networking!]
I got a call from two important administrators regarding the "awesome job" ... and I may have an interview on Thursday ... or it might on Friday ... or an interview on both days. (Neither one was available on both days, so it may be Thursday with one and Friday with the other!) I really just want to see whether or not this job is a good fit for me, and whether or not I'm a good fit for the job. I think that if I have the opportunity to visit the school and interview, I'll know whether I should accept the assistantship or if I should continue to pursue this job.
(Now I need to start packing stuff up so that I can bring back tons of stuff when I drive home this week ... and ... I need to update my portfolio ... and complete the application for the "awesome job" district, and get directions to the school & etc. ... and I have to make myself beautiful for the dinner outing this evening!) :-)
Monday, April 23, 2007
Flip-flop weather
Oops. I just ate half a box of Girl Scout cookies. Those Thin Mints, especially when frozen, are difficult to resist! I better go put the rest of the box back in the freezer.
On Wednesday, I drove a few hours past the conference location to visit great aunt and great uncle! How I love them! Both were college professors and great aunt also shared stories about her career as an army nurse during WWII! They live on a farm and great uncle used to keep sheep. :-) As I drove to their home, I passed many other farms where I saw horses, goats, sheep ... and BUFFALO! The latter was quite unexpected (and highly amusing as I drove through that particular small town)! I spent several hours there ... listening to stories, sharing my experiences from this year, and enjoying wonderful home-cooked food. I hope it won't be another two years until I see them again.
At conference, I attended wonderful sessions which were inspiring ... One in particular was the best session I've ever attended at a conference (this was my 7th professional conference). I also attended a session by the DoP ... and I had the chance to sit down with her later to discuss the GA offer. I adore this woman. I think she'd be a great mentor for me. I know I'd learn a lot from working with her. And - she worked it out that I could indeed complete the degree in two semesters instead of the three she had proposed when she offered the position to me last week.
After talking with her, I again thought to myself, "How could I turn down this offer? It'd be a great opportunity! Not only will I grow as a musician and make some good professional connections, I'd have the opportunity to tour abroad next summer in this position."
But ... being at the conference and learning so many new ideas for teaching in the classroom tugged at my heart. I really miss my kids from student-teaching. I miss teaching. And ... the high school job which is opening up near home? Awesome, awesome position. My dream job. I got an email today from the teacher who's retiring, and they can't make any final decisions until the interviews on May 10th. Ugh. So ... even if I were able to interview this week ... I wouldn't know anyway before I'm supposed to notify DoP.
I'm leaning more towards the assistantship, even with the things I'm not so happy about ... but I'm also a bit afraid that a "awesome job" like the current high school possibility won't open up for next year. But ... I don't want to turn down the GAship and gamble for the "awesome job" and not get it ... and be without either opportunity.
Right now, I'm past the point where I can ask others for advice. Honestly, it's really up to me. I think that's part of what scares me. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I want what is best for me and for my career ... but it's arguable whether teaching experience or this particular graduate degree would be more beneficial. I'm praying about it. After the conference and my conversation with DoP, I really felt myself leaning towards accepting the GAship. Now, after having just received the email from the retiring teacher asking me to see if I can do a "song and dance" number with the university (and ask if they can extend the deadline) ... I'm again leaning toward that.
More money out of pocket VS. Salary starting in September
Rural location (of RuralSchool) VS. Semi-rural location (but an hour's drive from home)
Good mentorship experience, some peer-teaching experience at the collegiate level VS. First year teaching experience in public school
More professional contacts & opportunities VS. Existing opportunities in potential "awesome job"
Cold weather VS. Not-as-cold weather (preferred)
Position highly recommended by two faculty members (but advised against by two others as well as my former cooperating teacher) VS. Position I was recommended for
Guaranteed offer VS. Risky offer
~*~*~*~*~*~
My heart is still being twisted and tugged ... and it's still leaning more towards accepting the GAship. God, can't you just make it a little more clear? I know I told people I'd probably accept the GAship if I couldn't get an interview for "awesome job" this week ... but is it really what You want me to do?! Can you nudge me a little more so I feel more certain about the choice You want me to make?! I'm sure You've already been nudging me in that direction ... but perhaps You could knock me over the head instead? Maybe that's what I need. (P.S. Thanks for helping me get complete my assignments for today ~ I'm actually still feeling pretty good after getting only 3 hours of sleep last night!)
On Wednesday, I drove a few hours past the conference location to visit great aunt and great uncle! How I love them! Both were college professors and great aunt also shared stories about her career as an army nurse during WWII! They live on a farm and great uncle used to keep sheep. :-) As I drove to their home, I passed many other farms where I saw horses, goats, sheep ... and BUFFALO! The latter was quite unexpected (and highly amusing as I drove through that particular small town)! I spent several hours there ... listening to stories, sharing my experiences from this year, and enjoying wonderful home-cooked food. I hope it won't be another two years until I see them again.
At conference, I attended wonderful sessions which were inspiring ... One in particular was the best session I've ever attended at a conference (this was my 7th professional conference). I also attended a session by the DoP ... and I had the chance to sit down with her later to discuss the GA offer. I adore this woman. I think she'd be a great mentor for me. I know I'd learn a lot from working with her. And - she worked it out that I could indeed complete the degree in two semesters instead of the three she had proposed when she offered the position to me last week.
After talking with her, I again thought to myself, "How could I turn down this offer? It'd be a great opportunity! Not only will I grow as a musician and make some good professional connections, I'd have the opportunity to tour abroad next summer in this position."
But ... being at the conference and learning so many new ideas for teaching in the classroom tugged at my heart. I really miss my kids from student-teaching. I miss teaching. And ... the high school job which is opening up near home? Awesome, awesome position. My dream job. I got an email today from the teacher who's retiring, and they can't make any final decisions until the interviews on May 10th. Ugh. So ... even if I were able to interview this week ... I wouldn't know anyway before I'm supposed to notify DoP.
I'm leaning more towards the assistantship, even with the things I'm not so happy about ... but I'm also a bit afraid that a "awesome job" like the current high school possibility won't open up for next year. But ... I don't want to turn down the GAship and gamble for the "awesome job" and not get it ... and be without either opportunity.
Right now, I'm past the point where I can ask others for advice. Honestly, it's really up to me. I think that's part of what scares me. I don't want to make the wrong decision. I want what is best for me and for my career ... but it's arguable whether teaching experience or this particular graduate degree would be more beneficial. I'm praying about it. After the conference and my conversation with DoP, I really felt myself leaning towards accepting the GAship. Now, after having just received the email from the retiring teacher asking me to see if I can do a "song and dance" number with the university (and ask if they can extend the deadline) ... I'm again leaning toward that.
More money out of pocket VS. Salary starting in September
Rural location (of RuralSchool) VS. Semi-rural location (but an hour's drive from home)
Good mentorship experience, some peer-teaching experience at the collegiate level VS. First year teaching experience in public school
More professional contacts & opportunities VS. Existing opportunities in potential "awesome job"
Cold weather VS. Not-as-cold weather (preferred)
Position highly recommended by two faculty members (but advised against by two others as well as my former cooperating teacher) VS. Position I was recommended for
Guaranteed offer VS. Risky offer
~*~*~*~*~*~
My heart is still being twisted and tugged ... and it's still leaning more towards accepting the GAship. God, can't you just make it a little more clear? I know I told people I'd probably accept the GAship if I couldn't get an interview for "awesome job" this week ... but is it really what You want me to do?! Can you nudge me a little more so I feel more certain about the choice You want me to make?! I'm sure You've already been nudging me in that direction ... but perhaps You could knock me over the head instead? Maybe that's what I need. (P.S. Thanks for helping me get complete my assignments for today ~ I'm actually still feeling pretty good after getting only 3 hours of sleep last night!)
Sunday, April 22, 2007
And I was getting so good at regular updates ... :-)
I am alive and well. Conference was amazing! I didn't get much sleep ... and actually, I spent over 900 miles total in the car from Wednesday through yesterday. Too much driving, not enough sleep takes away Estrella's ability to clearly translate her thoughts into text!
I do plan to write about my conversation with the Director of [graduate] Program to which I have been accepted.
I'll also write about BestFriend's Bridal Shower extravaganza.
Alas, there is not much to write about CGFC. At church this morning, he played piano for the hymns and service music (I hadn't known he played that well!). There was no chance to talk pre- or post-service, and ... there has been no phone call. I believe that his "No, I'm not trying to run away, I'm just busy, but I'm still interested" has morphed into "I'm too busy to be interested at all." Oh well. At least I did my part ... and ... hopefully it'll be easier if I ever decide I just have to ask a guy out sometime in the future. :-)
13 days 'til I graduate. (I got my first graduation card in the mail! Yay! I'll use the money to buy a book I wanted at conference!) Two weeks until I'm home ... and until I leave MySchool behind as I prepare for the next adventure. Ah, the weather is sooo lovely outside ... finally! Of course, CoolCity decided to warm up at the same time that my workload piles higher and higher. ;-)
In my sleep-deprived state, I'm somewhat perky only because I'm trying to keep my mom's various words of advice in my mind: Just do it! Pace yourself. Be like The Little Engine that Could and keep saying to yourself, "I think I can, I think I can."
OK, off to go write the paper due tomorrow. 'Night!
I do plan to write about my conversation with the Director of [graduate] Program to which I have been accepted.
I'll also write about BestFriend's Bridal Shower extravaganza.
Alas, there is not much to write about CGFC. At church this morning, he played piano for the hymns and service music (I hadn't known he played that well!). There was no chance to talk pre- or post-service, and ... there has been no phone call. I believe that his "No, I'm not trying to run away, I'm just busy, but I'm still interested" has morphed into "I'm too busy to be interested at all." Oh well. At least I did my part ... and ... hopefully it'll be easier if I ever decide I just have to ask a guy out sometime in the future. :-)
13 days 'til I graduate. (I got my first graduation card in the mail! Yay! I'll use the money to buy a book I wanted at conference!) Two weeks until I'm home ... and until I leave MySchool behind as I prepare for the next adventure. Ah, the weather is sooo lovely outside ... finally! Of course, CoolCity decided to warm up at the same time that my workload piles higher and higher. ;-)
In my sleep-deprived state, I'm somewhat perky only because I'm trying to keep my mom's various words of advice in my mind: Just do it! Pace yourself. Be like The Little Engine that Could and keep saying to yourself, "I think I can, I think I can."
OK, off to go write the paper due tomorrow. 'Night!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
13 Days
... is the amount of time I have to make a decision. A decision that has the potential to change my life forever.
I got a personal phone call from the director of the program (DoP) at RuralSchool today. I was DoP's top choice for the Graduate Assistantship position ... and I was offered the position today. A little less than 5 hours ago.
Now, DoP told me that she'd prefer that I spend 3 semesters instead of 2 semesters there as a GA because while I'm very strong in all of the other musical components, I'm weakest in the area which I would specifically study with her. One of the major advantages of the program was its brevity ~ one year for the whole program. One semester later- midyear- would not be ideal for trying to find a teaching job immediately after graduation.
I'm wondering if this is what I really want ... but at the same time, I'm wondering if I'd be an absolute fool to turn down this position because of the good experience it would give me. But ... I'm still waiting to get the call regarding the interview for the high school job I looked into. (I was told I'd be called when they set a date for interviews.)
So ...
I'm going to play the, "Hey, I've been offered this gig ... but I'm still interested in your gig" game ... and see if I can get them to let me interview within the next two weeks (like I really have the free time to do that, what with all the craziness of last-minute assignments and finals and graduation preparation and etc.) ...
I asked my department chair if I could send him my rough draft of this note so he can suggest any decisions before I actually send it to the people for whom it's intended. Maybe I should get on that ...
~*~*~*~
An aside: I'm going to a conference this weekend, and tomorrow, I'll be visiting some family members who live a couple hours from the conference location. :-) And Saturday will mark 2 weeks until G-Day. :-)
I got a personal phone call from the director of the program (DoP) at RuralSchool today. I was DoP's top choice for the Graduate Assistantship position ... and I was offered the position today. A little less than 5 hours ago.
Now, DoP told me that she'd prefer that I spend 3 semesters instead of 2 semesters there as a GA because while I'm very strong in all of the other musical components, I'm weakest in the area which I would specifically study with her. One of the major advantages of the program was its brevity ~ one year for the whole program. One semester later- midyear- would not be ideal for trying to find a teaching job immediately after graduation.
I'm wondering if this is what I really want ... but at the same time, I'm wondering if I'd be an absolute fool to turn down this position because of the good experience it would give me. But ... I'm still waiting to get the call regarding the interview for the high school job I looked into. (I was told I'd be called when they set a date for interviews.)
So ...
I'm going to play the, "Hey, I've been offered this gig ... but I'm still interested in your gig" game ... and see if I can get them to let me interview within the next two weeks (like I really have the free time to do that, what with all the craziness of last-minute assignments and finals and graduation preparation and etc.) ...
I asked my department chair if I could send him my rough draft of this note so he can suggest any decisions before I actually send it to the people for whom it's intended. Maybe I should get on that ...
~*~*~*~
An aside: I'm going to a conference this weekend, and tomorrow, I'll be visiting some family members who live a couple hours from the conference location. :-) And Saturday will mark 2 weeks until G-Day. :-)
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Big One-Double-Zero
(I tried to color it and make it beautiful in Paint, complete with fireworks and squiggles, but the "filler" tool and paintbrush tool weren't working ... You'll just have to imagine the festivity!) :-)
I've been keeping this blog since September ... and it has chronicled my life my senior year of college at MySchool in CoolCity ... including my adventures while student-teaching (Sept, Oct, Nov, Dec), the breakup with ExBoyfriend, fun updates on the CuteGuyFromChurch (I didn't realize I first mentioned him in November!), the occasional rant on being an RA, and lots of soul-searching as I consider my possibilities for post-graduation.)
While I still maintain an online journal elsewhere (which friends IRL read), this site has become my primary (and favorite!) writing venue ... Thanks for reading! :-)
Love, Estrella
The Dawning
You know how when you're expecting something big to happen, you count down? You get excited? But it takes awhile for the reality of the big change to sink in?
Last night, it really hit me. Three weeks. Actually, it's less than 3 weeks now.
Last night was my final college chorus concert. It was on campus again ~ for the first time in about 2 years.
The concert went well ~ my choir's pieces were lovely. My voice teacher, a guest vocalist on a piece by one of the other choirs, sang beautifully. The combined choirs sang a mass which featured guest professional vocalists and some members of our school orchestra. The Agnus Dei peacefully concluded our concert. After much applause and many bows, we recessed out of the sanctuary.
As we were walking down the aisle- that's when it hit me. Sure, I'd been telling people all evening that this was my final concert here at MySchool ... but knowing while I was walking that this indeed was it ... and it was over ... It was all I could do to keep from crying. I went and picked up my coat, purse and umbrella, and I was able to collect myself in the few moments I took to bend down and retrieve my belongings. I pasted a smile on my face and went to greet those who had come to our concert.
I passed one of my friends, L, a girl who's in my degree program and will be graduating with me. She saw me and she saw through my smile. "Oh honey," she said, and I just continued to smile, although now it was more difficult.
I saw A, a good friend of mine (the guy with whom I exchange updates about our love lives), and he gave me a hug. And I started to lose it again. So I had to run to the entrance to the organ loft and wait there a few minutes until I could see people again without bursting into tears. (I heard my voice teacher talking nearby and I missed my chance to congratulate her on her performance and to say good night to her ... but I didn't want to go out there without having control of my emotions. Thankfully, I'll see her for a lesson tomorrow.)
Back on went the smile. I re-entered the sanctuary and waited to speak with my choir director. We embraced and I thanked her for the concert, and I think she knew how I was feeling too.
On my way out, I saw L again. I reassured her I was OK. She still knew better, of course, but she consoled me,
"Estrella, just think. The next concert that we have ~ we'll be conducting! We're moving on to better things." We talked for a few more moments before parting ways. And then I had to walk back to my building alone.
I did burst into tears when I got back into my room. I called a couple of friends to see if they wanted to do something since it was still relatively early. I wanted to spend time with people rather than sit alone and dwell on the upcoming changes. The friends I called weren't up for going out or hanging out... so I resigned myself to the thought that I might as well get ready for bed early.
Then my girls stopped by. I love my residents ... they invited me to watch a movie in the lounge ... and I did that while working on the gift for BestFriend's bridal shower. It wasn't such a sad and lonely night after all. Still, I sense my heart is a little heavy because time refuses to slow down. I'll graduate before I know it. My life will change drastically before I know it. I'm not resistant to the change, and I don't dread it ... I do believe I'm ready for the next big life adventure ... but I'm finding it difficult now to embrace the thought of it as I prepare for the unknown future ... and as I prepare to say goodbye to the past 4 years of my life.
Last night, it really hit me. Three weeks. Actually, it's less than 3 weeks now.
Last night was my final college chorus concert. It was on campus again ~ for the first time in about 2 years.
The concert went well ~ my choir's pieces were lovely. My voice teacher, a guest vocalist on a piece by one of the other choirs, sang beautifully. The combined choirs sang a mass which featured guest professional vocalists and some members of our school orchestra. The Agnus Dei peacefully concluded our concert. After much applause and many bows, we recessed out of the sanctuary.
As we were walking down the aisle- that's when it hit me. Sure, I'd been telling people all evening that this was my final concert here at MySchool ... but knowing while I was walking that this indeed was it ... and it was over ... It was all I could do to keep from crying. I went and picked up my coat, purse and umbrella, and I was able to collect myself in the few moments I took to bend down and retrieve my belongings. I pasted a smile on my face and went to greet those who had come to our concert.
I passed one of my friends, L, a girl who's in my degree program and will be graduating with me. She saw me and she saw through my smile. "Oh honey," she said, and I just continued to smile, although now it was more difficult.
I saw A, a good friend of mine (the guy with whom I exchange updates about our love lives), and he gave me a hug. And I started to lose it again. So I had to run to the entrance to the organ loft and wait there a few minutes until I could see people again without bursting into tears. (I heard my voice teacher talking nearby and I missed my chance to congratulate her on her performance and to say good night to her ... but I didn't want to go out there without having control of my emotions. Thankfully, I'll see her for a lesson tomorrow.)
Back on went the smile. I re-entered the sanctuary and waited to speak with my choir director. We embraced and I thanked her for the concert, and I think she knew how I was feeling too.
On my way out, I saw L again. I reassured her I was OK. She still knew better, of course, but she consoled me,
"Estrella, just think. The next concert that we have ~ we'll be conducting! We're moving on to better things." We talked for a few more moments before parting ways. And then I had to walk back to my building alone.
I did burst into tears when I got back into my room. I called a couple of friends to see if they wanted to do something since it was still relatively early. I wanted to spend time with people rather than sit alone and dwell on the upcoming changes. The friends I called weren't up for going out or hanging out... so I resigned myself to the thought that I might as well get ready for bed early.
Then my girls stopped by. I love my residents ... they invited me to watch a movie in the lounge ... and I did that while working on the gift for BestFriend's bridal shower. It wasn't such a sad and lonely night after all. Still, I sense my heart is a little heavy because time refuses to slow down. I'll graduate before I know it. My life will change drastically before I know it. I'm not resistant to the change, and I don't dread it ... I do believe I'm ready for the next big life adventure ... but I'm finding it difficult now to embrace the thought of it as I prepare for the unknown future ... and as I prepare to say goodbye to the past 4 years of my life.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Rain: At least it's no longer snowing
No phone call yet. (I expected he'd be the type of guy who'd call when he said he would.) Perhaps I should have waited, but I instead chose to leave him a lovely (if slightly awkward) voicemail this evening. I'm not going to call him again unless I'm returning a call.
I did, however, receive a phone call from Twin (closest friend from home) this evening ... and she's engaged now! So my two closest friends are now both engaged! Somehow, I just don't see that anywhere in my near future. :-) (It's highly unlikely that CGFC is going to fall madly in love with me and decide that he can't live without me if we do indeed find time to hang out before we both leave this area.)
~*~*~*~
After rehearsal this afternoon, two of the freshmen girls were freaking out because they thought their vocal juries were next week. (They later learned that they had been misinformed.) I spent about 2 hours with them, going through my books to pick out short, easy songs that they could learn within the week becaue neither of them had enough pieces to offer. I ended up spending a long time chatting with one of the girls. I can tell that she is one of the few who will make it through this rigorous program; her desire to teach students music just flows her in her speech. She spologized that she'd been rather long-winded during our chat, but I reassured her.
"Look, I'm going to be graduating in 3 weeks. You know what I'm going to remember? I'm not going to look back at an extra hour I spent practicing or doing homework. I want to remember the people I've met and good conversations I've enjoyed. This experience, this conversation is worth so much more than the schoolwork I could be doing right now."
Talking with her made me wish I'd had more of an opportunity to get to know this year's freshmen. Because I student taught last semester, most of them have no idea who I am. I'd have liked the opportunity to be a mentor to them, to tell them,
"Yes, if your heart is in this, it's worth it to keep trying. It's tough, and it's only going to get tougher. You can't even imagine. But .... it's so worth it. When you reach student teaching and you realize how prepared you are ... and when you rediscover the reason for why you chose this career in the first place ... it's worth it, all of it- the heartache (when you question your decision to go into this field), the frustration (when you struggle as you learn the secondary instruments~ I needed extra help from my professor because I could NOT produce a sound on the trombone, much less the mouthpiece alone, for the longest time!), the tears (when you feel like you'll never measure up to the expectations placed on you), the annoyance (when each of your nine 1-credit classes requires you to complete the workload of a 3-credit class even though you have to take 18 credits a semester to graduate in 4 years), the sleepless nights (when you're analyzing pieces for their educational value and write corresponding lesson plans or when you're trying to memorize 7 hours of music for the next day's listening exam). When, with your students, the music you create somehow becomes magical ~ it's worth it."
~*~*~*~
I went to dinner with a friend this evening and ended up sitting with a very sweet Italian (slightly nerdy but adorable) exchange student. He was pleased when I spoke a phrase I used often on my Spring Break adventure: Non parlo italiano. Lovely conversation with him and with my other friend on the differences between the education systems in our respective countries. Afterwards, he and I went to the last half hour of a presentation put on by the international students on campus. Fun!
Then Bible Study ... I'm going to miss this group. I can't make it next week due to the conference, but I'll have to go to the last discussion in 2 weeks. I love our two discussion facilitators ~ one of them is one of my favorite figures on this campus. Afterwards, BestFriend and I bought lots of junk food and came up to my room to watch The Nanny (my favorite show; I have Seasons 1 & 2 on DVD).
Because I'm writing this after midnight, I can say that I officially graduate 3 weeks from today. Aack! Wayyyyy too much to do between now and then. And ... definitely time for bed. (I need to get back in the habit of going to bed at 11pm!)
I did, however, receive a phone call from Twin (closest friend from home) this evening ... and she's engaged now! So my two closest friends are now both engaged! Somehow, I just don't see that anywhere in my near future. :-) (It's highly unlikely that CGFC is going to fall madly in love with me and decide that he can't live without me if we do indeed find time to hang out before we both leave this area.)
~*~*~*~
After rehearsal this afternoon, two of the freshmen girls were freaking out because they thought their vocal juries were next week. (They later learned that they had been misinformed.) I spent about 2 hours with them, going through my books to pick out short, easy songs that they could learn within the week becaue neither of them had enough pieces to offer. I ended up spending a long time chatting with one of the girls. I can tell that she is one of the few who will make it through this rigorous program; her desire to teach students music just flows her in her speech. She spologized that she'd been rather long-winded during our chat, but I reassured her.
"Look, I'm going to be graduating in 3 weeks. You know what I'm going to remember? I'm not going to look back at an extra hour I spent practicing or doing homework. I want to remember the people I've met and good conversations I've enjoyed. This experience, this conversation is worth so much more than the schoolwork I could be doing right now."
Talking with her made me wish I'd had more of an opportunity to get to know this year's freshmen. Because I student taught last semester, most of them have no idea who I am. I'd have liked the opportunity to be a mentor to them, to tell them,
"Yes, if your heart is in this, it's worth it to keep trying. It's tough, and it's only going to get tougher. You can't even imagine. But .... it's so worth it. When you reach student teaching and you realize how prepared you are ... and when you rediscover the reason for why you chose this career in the first place ... it's worth it, all of it- the heartache (when you question your decision to go into this field), the frustration (when you struggle as you learn the secondary instruments~ I needed extra help from my professor because I could NOT produce a sound on the trombone, much less the mouthpiece alone, for the longest time!), the tears (when you feel like you'll never measure up to the expectations placed on you), the annoyance (when each of your nine 1-credit classes requires you to complete the workload of a 3-credit class even though you have to take 18 credits a semester to graduate in 4 years), the sleepless nights (when you're analyzing pieces for their educational value and write corresponding lesson plans or when you're trying to memorize 7 hours of music for the next day's listening exam). When, with your students, the music you create somehow becomes magical ~ it's worth it."
~*~*~*~
I went to dinner with a friend this evening and ended up sitting with a very sweet Italian (slightly nerdy but adorable) exchange student. He was pleased when I spoke a phrase I used often on my Spring Break adventure: Non parlo italiano. Lovely conversation with him and with my other friend on the differences between the education systems in our respective countries. Afterwards, he and I went to the last half hour of a presentation put on by the international students on campus. Fun!
Then Bible Study ... I'm going to miss this group. I can't make it next week due to the conference, but I'll have to go to the last discussion in 2 weeks. I love our two discussion facilitators ~ one of them is one of my favorite figures on this campus. Afterwards, BestFriend and I bought lots of junk food and came up to my room to watch The Nanny (my favorite show; I have Seasons 1 & 2 on DVD).
Because I'm writing this after midnight, I can say that I officially graduate 3 weeks from today. Aack! Wayyyyy too much to do between now and then. And ... definitely time for bed. (I need to get back in the habit of going to bed at 11pm!)
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Bittersweet Update (but I'm still hopeful!)
Good news: CGFC just called me! (He thanked me for the voicemail I'd left him on Sunday, wishing him a happy Easter, and explained he hadn't gotten it until yesterday.)
I must have sounded a little jumpy at first, and he asked if he'd been interrupting something. "No," I explained, "I was just working on some homework and was startled by the unexpected phone call!" I shared later in the conversation more about the homework assignment (composing a brass fanfare) and he jokingly said something about avoiding "parallel fifths and octaves." "Good job!" I'd replied, laughing,"You remember your music theory!"
Not-as-good news: He has to reschedule our lunch date! He realized he'd still be out-of-town.
Good news: He reassured me that he wasn't "trying to run away." (I laughed, although I was definitely feeling a little relieved that he shared that!) He said he has a lot on his plate at the moment. I sympathized, "Yes, the next three weeks are very crazy for me." (Same for him.) And I told him, "You know, I don't want to be a stress factor for you," but he again expressed interest in meeting with me.
Not-as-good news: He's not available any time before he leaves town, so we'll have to reschedule for later.
Not-as-good news: (I haven't shared this with him yet) I'm going to be CRAZY next week because I have RA duty Monday and Tuesday nights, and then I'm leaving for a conference on Wednesday and won't be back until some as of yet undetermined time on Saturday, following BestFriend's bridal shower in another state!
Good news: Since he had a class at that moment, he said he'd call tomorrow so we can figure out another time to get together. Yay ~ another phone call! I really hope we're able to determine a mutually good time to hang out.
I must have sounded a little jumpy at first, and he asked if he'd been interrupting something. "No," I explained, "I was just working on some homework and was startled by the unexpected phone call!" I shared later in the conversation more about the homework assignment (composing a brass fanfare) and he jokingly said something about avoiding "parallel fifths and octaves." "Good job!" I'd replied, laughing,"You remember your music theory!"
Not-as-good news: He has to reschedule our lunch date! He realized he'd still be out-of-town.
Good news: He reassured me that he wasn't "trying to run away." (I laughed, although I was definitely feeling a little relieved that he shared that!) He said he has a lot on his plate at the moment. I sympathized, "Yes, the next three weeks are very crazy for me." (Same for him.) And I told him, "You know, I don't want to be a stress factor for you," but he again expressed interest in meeting with me.
Not-as-good news: He's not available any time before he leaves town, so we'll have to reschedule for later.
Not-as-good news: (I haven't shared this with him yet) I'm going to be CRAZY next week because I have RA duty Monday and Tuesday nights, and then I'm leaving for a conference on Wednesday and won't be back until some as of yet undetermined time on Saturday, following BestFriend's bridal shower in another state!
Good news: Since he had a class at that moment, he said he'd call tomorrow so we can figure out another time to get together. Yay ~ another phone call! I really hope we're able to determine a mutually good time to hang out.
Continuation of long weekend ...
On Sunday afternoon, I drove to RuralSchool. Some lovely scenic views ... I was reminded some of the landscape of Ireland. I met up with a friend of a friend (my college friend= his high school friend) at the collosal largest-chain-store-in-the-world-which-some-people-think-is-evil (WM, for short ;-), the main place in town. After I bought some Airborne (I'd left my own at MySchool and didn't want to risk going without it, after it served me so well this weekend) and he bought some cold medicine, he took me on a brief tour of RuralSchool's campus (library, union, music building) before bringing me to his girlfriend's apartment where I'd be spending the night. We hung out there for awhile until they decided they wanted to get some more things at WM. So we returned to WM. I was very fortunate that complete strangers were so kind to me, so I didn't want to be rude and tell them how exhausted I was after singing all weekend and then driving a distance to get there. I didn't end up getting as much sleep as I would have liked (6 hours instead of 8), but it didn't affect my voice like I had been afraid the lack of sleep would.
So ... yesterday, I auditioned and interviewed at RuralSchool. I was the only female of the three candidates. The other gentlemen were very pleasant and I enjoyed talking with both of them (although I'd been surprised to meet them at first because I hadn't realized that they would also be coming on this day). I totally developed a little crush on the Tenor by the end of the day too. I had the chance to talk with the person currently in the position for which I was applying (gave me some good inside advice), and the other candidates and I didn't really have a one-on-one interview with the department chair or the program director. Instead, our meetings with both of these people were set up as: we 3 and the important person. Together.
I did get to talk a little more with the program director during my auditions. The basic musicianship testing (vocal/piano sightreading, interval/chord identification, etc.) went very well, but my conducting is still at a very simple level. My vocal audition went well ~ perhaps I wasn't quite as free as in my lesson last week, but placement, tone, etc. were good. I was annoyed though because the person accompanying me, who was sightreading, added his own artistic interpretation (instead of following my lead as an accompanist ought) and he DOUBLED my vocal line with his right instead of playing the accompaniment as written. (The accompaniment is simple enough that I can accompany myself on that particular piece while singing so it wasn't because it was too difficult, and I wasn't messing up pitch or rhythm-wise, so there was no need to "help me out.")
If I were offered this position ... I don't know if I'd accept. Points in its favor are: the program is strong, I'd have a lot of teaching time, and it's only a year-long. (Oh, and I'd get more money when I get a real job.) Reasons why I'm unsettled are: the location (weather, available local culture)/facilities/connections (through faculty, etc.) are not at the level to which I've become accustomed at MySchool. I really liked the program director (whose "slave" I'd be, the kids told me), but I don't know if the pros outweight the cons. I'm praying about it ...
So ... yesterday, I auditioned and interviewed at RuralSchool. I was the only female of the three candidates. The other gentlemen were very pleasant and I enjoyed talking with both of them (although I'd been surprised to meet them at first because I hadn't realized that they would also be coming on this day). I totally developed a little crush on the Tenor by the end of the day too. I had the chance to talk with the person currently in the position for which I was applying (gave me some good inside advice), and the other candidates and I didn't really have a one-on-one interview with the department chair or the program director. Instead, our meetings with both of these people were set up as: we 3 and the important person. Together.
I did get to talk a little more with the program director during my auditions. The basic musicianship testing (vocal/piano sightreading, interval/chord identification, etc.) went very well, but my conducting is still at a very simple level. My vocal audition went well ~ perhaps I wasn't quite as free as in my lesson last week, but placement, tone, etc. were good. I was annoyed though because the person accompanying me, who was sightreading, added his own artistic interpretation (instead of following my lead as an accompanist ought) and he DOUBLED my vocal line with his right instead of playing the accompaniment as written. (The accompaniment is simple enough that I can accompany myself on that particular piece while singing so it wasn't because it was too difficult, and I wasn't messing up pitch or rhythm-wise, so there was no need to "help me out.")
If I were offered this position ... I don't know if I'd accept. Points in its favor are: the program is strong, I'd have a lot of teaching time, and it's only a year-long. (Oh, and I'd get more money when I get a real job.) Reasons why I'm unsettled are: the location (weather, available local culture)/facilities/connections (through faculty, etc.) are not at the level to which I've become accustomed at MySchool. I really liked the program director (whose "slave" I'd be, the kids told me), but I don't know if the pros outweight the cons. I'm praying about it ...
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Some Thoughts on Holy Weekend
Early on in yesterday's phone conversation with CGFC, we talked about how draining yesterday's Good Friday service had been. I remarked that it wasn't just about the physical exhaustion because the service lasted nearly 3 hours (and then I stayed for Stations of the Cross afterwards, something I'd never done before but was glad I had chosen to stay). The emotional toll of considering every part of the service ~ the hymn texts, the Scriptural passages, the sermons (we had two brief ones), the prayers, thinking about what happened 2000 years ago and what that must have been like ...
(I didn't say it on the phone, but mentally included on the list the personal responsibility I feel when I'm focusing on Jesus on the cross. He died for a reason. Not for Himself. But for me. Dwelling on that thought for three hours is tough.)
"Just imagine," CGFC said, "that 2000 years ago, they thought that today was the end of the story. Jesus died and that was that. Imagine today being it- they just saw Him die, and they don't realize that there's so much more about to happen. We know that today was not the end."
And I think his point was that today (really meaning yesterday) was certainly difficult to swallow, even 2000 years later, but we're blessed with the knowledge of what is to come ~ the Resurrection. Even though yesterday was exhausting (especially as both CGFC and I served in roles which minister to the congregation), we wait in joyful anticipation for the Good News that will be shared this evening and tomorrow!
~*~*~*~
Earlier today, I wondered again where I'll end up getting a teaching job for next year. (Or ~ if the Graduate Assistantship I'm auditioning/interviewing for on Monday is going to be a good fit for me?! Aack! I have a conducting audition, vocal audition, interview with the ensemble director, interview with another important person in the music school, and possibly a piano audition. Please pray for me!)
And I thought ~ not so much about the potential teaching jobs (or additional schooling), but about churches. What kind of church will I be at next year? My church up here in CoolCity is quite different from my churches (I have two) at home. The particular denomination is more traditional, as compared with HomeChurch#1 which has lately been going ultra-technology-happy (i.e. sermon on Powerpoint and canned accompaniment tracks so that a soloist's offertory sounds like something on American Idol) and HomeChurch#2, a sweet, country church, which has some more contemporary elements but is still somewhat traditional. (Both of these are different denominations from one another; HC#1 was my first church and I grew in my faith and my music ministry there. HC#2 was my first church job, but I have really come to view the congregation as a church family to me, and I've stayed more involved there during my years at college than at HC#1.)
Something to think about whenever I relocate, I guess.
For the time being, I'm grateful that my church job here in CoolCity has become so much more than a job. I may be a paid vocalist at the church, but the people there have really become my church family. The choir didn't sing at the Maundy Thursday service; none of the other paid vocalists showed up. I came, not for the free dinner beforehand and not because I wanted to see CGFC (although both of those were certainly perks!). I went because it has become my church home. :-)
~*~*~*~
Speaking of my church home (literally, while I was writing this last paragraph), the choir director just called. I had asked about getting into the church today to practice for my upcoming audition, and it was locked when I walked downtown today! (The music building is closed for the holiday weekend.) So ... I'm getting a ride down there in a few moments and I've gotta go! :-)
(I didn't say it on the phone, but mentally included on the list the personal responsibility I feel when I'm focusing on Jesus on the cross. He died for a reason. Not for Himself. But for me. Dwelling on that thought for three hours is tough.)
"Just imagine," CGFC said, "that 2000 years ago, they thought that today was the end of the story. Jesus died and that was that. Imagine today being it- they just saw Him die, and they don't realize that there's so much more about to happen. We know that today was not the end."
And I think his point was that today (really meaning yesterday) was certainly difficult to swallow, even 2000 years later, but we're blessed with the knowledge of what is to come ~ the Resurrection. Even though yesterday was exhausting (especially as both CGFC and I served in roles which minister to the congregation), we wait in joyful anticipation for the Good News that will be shared this evening and tomorrow!
~*~*~*~
Earlier today, I wondered again where I'll end up getting a teaching job for next year. (Or ~ if the Graduate Assistantship I'm auditioning/interviewing for on Monday is going to be a good fit for me?! Aack! I have a conducting audition, vocal audition, interview with the ensemble director, interview with another important person in the music school, and possibly a piano audition. Please pray for me!)
And I thought ~ not so much about the potential teaching jobs (or additional schooling), but about churches. What kind of church will I be at next year? My church up here in CoolCity is quite different from my churches (I have two) at home. The particular denomination is more traditional, as compared with HomeChurch#1 which has lately been going ultra-technology-happy (i.e. sermon on Powerpoint and canned accompaniment tracks so that a soloist's offertory sounds like something on American Idol) and HomeChurch#2, a sweet, country church, which has some more contemporary elements but is still somewhat traditional. (Both of these are different denominations from one another; HC#1 was my first church and I grew in my faith and my music ministry there. HC#2 was my first church job, but I have really come to view the congregation as a church family to me, and I've stayed more involved there during my years at college than at HC#1.)
Something to think about whenever I relocate, I guess.
For the time being, I'm grateful that my church job here in CoolCity has become so much more than a job. I may be a paid vocalist at the church, but the people there have really become my church family. The choir didn't sing at the Maundy Thursday service; none of the other paid vocalists showed up. I came, not for the free dinner beforehand and not because I wanted to see CGFC (although both of those were certainly perks!). I went because it has become my church home. :-)
~*~*~*~
Speaking of my church home (literally, while I was writing this last paragraph), the choir director just called. I had asked about getting into the church today to practice for my upcoming audition, and it was locked when I walked downtown today! (The music building is closed for the holiday weekend.) So ... I'm getting a ride down there in a few moments and I've gotta go! :-)
Friday, April 06, 2007
Definitely a Good Friday :-)
I just spent about 20 minutes on the phone with him. *sigh*
There simply aren't words to convey the contentment I'm feeling right now. It's not elation or ecstaticism ... it's a gentle peace. (I could write about the calming effect of his mellifluous voice or the careful and considerate way in which he quietly chooses his words ... but it'd be impossible to describe beyond what I've just written.)
He asked about where I was in school ... and I talked about the job search. I asked him about his schooling ~ and he talked a little about his undergraduate education as well as his plans for the school he's currently attending. Apparently, even though he still has 7 classes remaining, he's just accepted a job in a state which is one state south of the most southern state I was considering to apply for jobs in.
And then he asked about having lunch together after church next Sunday (following Easter Sunday). So that's the plan. It doesn't seem likely that anything will actually come of this, because I'm not sure how much longer he'll be up in this area. I'm just grateful that God gave me the courage to start this dialogue ... and I've given it up to Him, knowing that if GCFC is part of His plan for me, He'll make it work. And if not, at least He will have given me the pleasure of having gotten to know CGFC ... which has shown me that my list of standards (what I look for in a guy, a list I've kept for many years now) is not impossible; there are men who meet those standards.
Dining on campus closes in about 15 minutes, so I'm going to go grab some food before I start filling out job applications and doing homework. And I do feel a bit more motivated to complete my work now... :-)
There simply aren't words to convey the contentment I'm feeling right now. It's not elation or ecstaticism ... it's a gentle peace. (I could write about the calming effect of his mellifluous voice or the careful and considerate way in which he quietly chooses his words ... but it'd be impossible to describe beyond what I've just written.)
He asked about where I was in school ... and I talked about the job search. I asked him about his schooling ~ and he talked a little about his undergraduate education as well as his plans for the school he's currently attending. Apparently, even though he still has 7 classes remaining, he's just accepted a job in a state which is one state south of the most southern state I was considering to apply for jobs in.
And then he asked about having lunch together after church next Sunday (following Easter Sunday). So that's the plan. It doesn't seem likely that anything will actually come of this, because I'm not sure how much longer he'll be up in this area. I'm just grateful that God gave me the courage to start this dialogue ... and I've given it up to Him, knowing that if GCFC is part of His plan for me, He'll make it work. And if not, at least He will have given me the pleasure of having gotten to know CGFC ... which has shown me that my list of standards (what I look for in a guy, a list I've kept for many years now) is not impossible; there are men who meet those standards.
Dining on campus closes in about 15 minutes, so I'm going to go grab some food before I start filling out job applications and doing homework. And I do feel a bit more motivated to complete my work now... :-)
Good Friday
Nope, no chance to talk today either. But today, I planned ahead. I wrote out my number on a scrap of paper and placed it in his hand as we both left (opposite directions) ... so ... we'll see what happens. I can't believe how brazen I'm being ... but ... I just don't want to regret not having done anything.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Postponement
I believe tonight was only the second time I'd been to a Maundy Thursday service because my church denomination at home has only the Good Friday and Easter Sunday services. Tonight was incredibly powerful. The Scripture readings, the text of the hymns ... foot-washing and communion. When the pastor washed my foot, she told me how much it had been a blessing to the church that I had been able to be there for the past few years. I responded that the church has been a blessing to me. It's the truth; even though it's my "job" to sing there, the church and the people there have been a wonderful church family to me.
Throughout the service, I prayed that God would work in my heart ... and help to keep me focused on him. Even when CGFC served me part of communion, I was earnestly praying. The service concluded with the congregation reading Psalm 22 while the altar was stripped bare and while the lights were slowly turned off. Powerful.
Three people came around to offer me rides, but I said I'd be fine. I waited afterwards to talk with CGFC (as we had planned on Sunday) and was hoping he would be able to give me a ride. It took him awhile to change out of his vestments ... and when he saw me, he asked,
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, how are you?"
"I'm fine." He looked slightly uncomfortable, probably because one of his friends was waiting for him in the stairwell.
"Can you give me a ride back?" I asked.
"Actually, my friend's giving me a ride back ... but choirlady [aka my private detective, which he doesn't know] probably can."
"OK," I said, still smiling pleasantly.
"We can talk tomorrow."
"Sure," I said agreeably as he headed down the stairs to leave. And then I got a ride with my private detective. *sigh* With exception of feeling slightly awkward because his friend was waiting for him right there (and there were a couple of other people around) and CGFC had to say that no, he couldn't give me a ride ... I felt fine ... but disappointed.
And now, all my friends are off-campus because they've gone home ... or my few friends who are staying didn't answer their phones. I haven't been home for Easter all throughout college because I've always had a church job. Perhaps I ought to be excited for tomorrow ~ hopefully, we'll actually have a chance to talk ~ but ... right now, I'm missing home and my family. Maybe I'll try calling home before it gets too late ... and then go to bed early. Eh. That's it for today.
Throughout the service, I prayed that God would work in my heart ... and help to keep me focused on him. Even when CGFC served me part of communion, I was earnestly praying. The service concluded with the congregation reading Psalm 22 while the altar was stripped bare and while the lights were slowly turned off. Powerful.
Three people came around to offer me rides, but I said I'd be fine. I waited afterwards to talk with CGFC (as we had planned on Sunday) and was hoping he would be able to give me a ride. It took him awhile to change out of his vestments ... and when he saw me, he asked,
"How are you?"
"I'm fine, how are you?"
"I'm fine." He looked slightly uncomfortable, probably because one of his friends was waiting for him in the stairwell.
"Can you give me a ride back?" I asked.
"Actually, my friend's giving me a ride back ... but choirlady [aka my private detective, which he doesn't know] probably can."
"OK," I said, still smiling pleasantly.
"We can talk tomorrow."
"Sure," I said agreeably as he headed down the stairs to leave. And then I got a ride with my private detective. *sigh* With exception of feeling slightly awkward because his friend was waiting for him right there (and there were a couple of other people around) and CGFC had to say that no, he couldn't give me a ride ... I felt fine ... but disappointed.
And now, all my friends are off-campus because they've gone home ... or my few friends who are staying didn't answer their phones. I haven't been home for Easter all throughout college because I've always had a church job. Perhaps I ought to be excited for tomorrow ~ hopefully, we'll actually have a chance to talk ~ but ... right now, I'm missing home and my family. Maybe I'll try calling home before it gets too late ... and then go to bed early. Eh. That's it for today.
Anticipation
I didn't realize how many people I'd told about my CGFC crush! If he went to MySchool, I would have been much more quiet about it ... but because no one at MySchool knows him, I gushed to more people. Oops. :-) The plus side was that I had more people who cheered for me when I shared that I'd asked him out on Sunday! (P.S. Thank you to the two readers of this blog for your encouragement!!!)
So I talked with A, one of my guy friends, on Monday night because we frequently update each other on our love lives. (It took him awhile to muster up the courage to ask out the girl he liked earlier this semester because he was so intimidated by her ... but alas, they broke it off a few weeks ago.) I said to A,
"You know, I didn't really give him a gentleman's way out ~ to say no, I mean."
"Don't you try to do that! You're trying to minimize this! He would have said no if he weren't interested."
"A, how can you know that? He's a gentleman ~ and he wouldn't have said no. He knew he had to help me save face and protect my feelings, and I didn't say anything like, 'unless you have a girlfriend or you're not interested' when I asked him, so he didn't have any other choice!"
"Estrella, listen to me. He would have found a way to say no if he weren't interested. Trust me, he's interested."
Then we proceeded to talk. A is very much a metrosexual ~ that is, he's very cultured, well-groomed, and knowledgeable. I asked his opinion about what I should wear and places to eat that I might suggest to CGFC. He gave me excellent feedback. :-)
~*~*~*~
The next day at dinner, BestFriend walked me through possible scenarios about getting the bill at the meal. She had me practice covertly reaching for the bill (a napkin) in the middle of conversation, and when he insisted on paying (as she assured me that a true gentleman would), I was to protest lightly ("But I asked you"), but not protest any further if he insisted on paying for his meal or for both of us. (I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I can't believe I'm sharing this! It was silly enough "practicing" in MySchool's cafeteria!)
~*~*~*~
Last night, another of my guy friends and I talked about this situation. Like A, he assured me that CGFC is interested at some level. Otherwise, this friend said, "He would have told you he wasn't looking for a relationship" or something like that. He asked me how I asked out CGFC, and I shared with him exactly what I wrote in here a few days ago. While I was talking, I was playing with one of my scarves from Italy, twisting it and wrapping it around my hands, fidgeting as I relived the nerves from Sunday in my retelling of the story. He laughed at me, and said that CGFC would never be able to resist me if he were to see me acting so adorably. :-)
~*~*~*~
And now that I've gotten all of this silliness and giddiness out of my system by sharing it with friends and by blogging about it, I'm hopeful that I will be my completely normal and sweet self this evening when I see CGFC! Unfortunately, the temperature dropped by HALF this week and it's now quite cold outside ... so I can't wear a cute (modest & conservative, of course) skirt as I had hoped. Hmm ... it IS cold enough that I could wear that scarf. :-)
So I talked with A, one of my guy friends, on Monday night because we frequently update each other on our love lives. (It took him awhile to muster up the courage to ask out the girl he liked earlier this semester because he was so intimidated by her ... but alas, they broke it off a few weeks ago.) I said to A,
"You know, I didn't really give him a gentleman's way out ~ to say no, I mean."
"Don't you try to do that! You're trying to minimize this! He would have said no if he weren't interested."
"A, how can you know that? He's a gentleman ~ and he wouldn't have said no. He knew he had to help me save face and protect my feelings, and I didn't say anything like, 'unless you have a girlfriend or you're not interested' when I asked him, so he didn't have any other choice!"
"Estrella, listen to me. He would have found a way to say no if he weren't interested. Trust me, he's interested."
Then we proceeded to talk. A is very much a metrosexual ~ that is, he's very cultured, well-groomed, and knowledgeable. I asked his opinion about what I should wear and places to eat that I might suggest to CGFC. He gave me excellent feedback. :-)
~*~*~*~
The next day at dinner, BestFriend walked me through possible scenarios about getting the bill at the meal. She had me practice covertly reaching for the bill (a napkin) in the middle of conversation, and when he insisted on paying (as she assured me that a true gentleman would), I was to protest lightly ("But I asked you"), but not protest any further if he insisted on paying for his meal or for both of us. (I'm laughing to myself as I write this because I can't believe I'm sharing this! It was silly enough "practicing" in MySchool's cafeteria!)
~*~*~*~
Last night, another of my guy friends and I talked about this situation. Like A, he assured me that CGFC is interested at some level. Otherwise, this friend said, "He would have told you he wasn't looking for a relationship" or something like that. He asked me how I asked out CGFC, and I shared with him exactly what I wrote in here a few days ago. While I was talking, I was playing with one of my scarves from Italy, twisting it and wrapping it around my hands, fidgeting as I relived the nerves from Sunday in my retelling of the story. He laughed at me, and said that CGFC would never be able to resist me if he were to see me acting so adorably. :-)
~*~*~*~
And now that I've gotten all of this silliness and giddiness out of my system by sharing it with friends and by blogging about it, I'm hopeful that I will be my completely normal and sweet self this evening when I see CGFC! Unfortunately, the temperature dropped by HALF this week and it's now quite cold outside ... so I can't wear a cute (modest & conservative, of course) skirt as I had hoped. Hmm ... it IS cold enough that I could wear that scarf. :-)
Three Days/ One Month
Praise the Lord! I survived until today! The three days of classes for this week were not too bad, but I was stressing out about a certain core class exam I had to take last night. (It's my one non-honors class because the honors course didn't fit into my schedule.) We were given a study guide for the multiple-choice 30 questions test (easy format!) and I had gotten an A on the last test, but ... this review sheet looked much more demanding.
I meant to start studying over the weekend (that didn't happen because I went to the opera, the zoo, and a musical on campus), so I meant to start on Monday ~ but one of my guy friends insisted we get coffee from the Starbucks on campus ~ and he treated me! And we had a lovely conversation in the Music School lounge.
Tuesday, I was going to be productive ... but the weather was oh-so-beautiful and WARM! Warm, as in above 70 degrees! (Guess what it is today? 35 degrees. CoolCity, sometimes I hate you.) So I just had to get a smoothie with BestFriend and spend some time with a few friends of ours, in the shade of a tree across from the Music School, savoring the sunshine and philosophizing.
I graduate, "officially," a month from YESTERDAY. My personal "official" graduation is the "unofficial" ceremony the Music School will have ... a month from TODAY. The time is flying by so much faster than I thought it could. It seems that we started out slowly but now we're hurtling at lightning speed to the end. Some might call my lack of focus and motivation "senioritis," which it well may be ... but to me, I'm simply trying to make the most of the time I have left here. After college, am I going to remember what I studied for my core class ... or will I cherish the memories of the quality time spent with amazing people? I haven't completely given up caring about my classes ... my GPA is 3.916 right now ... and I want it to be at least 3.9 when I graduate ... so I'm still putting forth some effort. :-)
So ~ I crammed for the two hours leading up to the test. There were about 4-5 questions for which I wasn't certain that I had the correct answer. I finished the exam in 25 minutes, leaving me with an unexpected 2 and a quarter hours freed up in my schedule! So I went to the library to stock up on some CDs for my driving this weekend (it's about 4 hours from here to the place where I have an audition/interview for a GA position!) and I picked up some DVDs since one of my friends was supposed to stay with me this weekend. (She changed her mind yesterday, but I found out afterwards.) Then over to the Music School where I chatted with some friends there. (Someone else is engaged! Oh my!) Back to my room ... and then ... ended up watching "Life is Beautiful" with a guy friend (my first time seeing it ~ Wow) before hanging out with my girls for a little bit. I am so lucky to have the girls I have for residents ... wonderful young women. :-)
~*~*~*~
When we filled out the date on the core class exam scantron sheet, the kid behind me whispered, "Sweet! It's 4/4 today! Common time! I wonder if [the prof] would get it if I just wrote C (common time) down!"
Ah, musicians. We're a special bunch. :-)
I meant to start studying over the weekend (that didn't happen because I went to the opera, the zoo, and a musical on campus), so I meant to start on Monday ~ but one of my guy friends insisted we get coffee from the Starbucks on campus ~ and he treated me! And we had a lovely conversation in the Music School lounge.
Tuesday, I was going to be productive ... but the weather was oh-so-beautiful and WARM! Warm, as in above 70 degrees! (Guess what it is today? 35 degrees. CoolCity, sometimes I hate you.) So I just had to get a smoothie with BestFriend and spend some time with a few friends of ours, in the shade of a tree across from the Music School, savoring the sunshine and philosophizing.
I graduate, "officially," a month from YESTERDAY. My personal "official" graduation is the "unofficial" ceremony the Music School will have ... a month from TODAY. The time is flying by so much faster than I thought it could. It seems that we started out slowly but now we're hurtling at lightning speed to the end. Some might call my lack of focus and motivation "senioritis," which it well may be ... but to me, I'm simply trying to make the most of the time I have left here. After college, am I going to remember what I studied for my core class ... or will I cherish the memories of the quality time spent with amazing people? I haven't completely given up caring about my classes ... my GPA is 3.916 right now ... and I want it to be at least 3.9 when I graduate ... so I'm still putting forth some effort. :-)
So ~ I crammed for the two hours leading up to the test. There were about 4-5 questions for which I wasn't certain that I had the correct answer. I finished the exam in 25 minutes, leaving me with an unexpected 2 and a quarter hours freed up in my schedule! So I went to the library to stock up on some CDs for my driving this weekend (it's about 4 hours from here to the place where I have an audition/interview for a GA position!) and I picked up some DVDs since one of my friends was supposed to stay with me this weekend. (She changed her mind yesterday, but I found out afterwards.) Then over to the Music School where I chatted with some friends there. (Someone else is engaged! Oh my!) Back to my room ... and then ... ended up watching "Life is Beautiful" with a guy friend (my first time seeing it ~ Wow) before hanging out with my girls for a little bit. I am so lucky to have the girls I have for residents ... wonderful young women. :-)
~*~*~*~
When we filled out the date on the core class exam scantron sheet, the kid behind me whispered, "Sweet! It's 4/4 today! Common time! I wonder if [the prof] would get it if I just wrote C (common time) down!"
Ah, musicians. We're a special bunch. :-)
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Not an April Fools' Joke! :-)
This past week, I went downtown with a friend and I found a great pair of navy blue heels for $15 (classic style, not the points or backless or whatever is supposed to be trendy now)! So today, I had an excuse to wear the navy blue dress suit I've owned for years but haven't worn because I didn't want to pair it with my black shoes. I also wore a Venetian glass clip in my hair and pretty earrings I wore to the Christmas Ball last year. And ... I've just spent the last paragraph describing my outfit to convey how I was dressing for success today ... hoping that CGFC would be back!
He did indeed return today. I had not seen him since BEFORE I left for Spring Break ~ FIVE whole weeks ago. I saw him from afar before the service but didn't even get to make eye contact or say anything, even though he was actually standing on the other side of a large doorway at one point. During the service, I tried especially hard not to think about him so I didn't even glance in his direction at all. I was there to worship and minister, and I didn't want to be distracting myself.
After the service, I went into the fellowship hall and chatted with my "private detective," showing her and her husband pictures from my trip ... and noticing that CGFC was busy talking with others around him. I never had the chance to go over and say hello because we were rushed into an after-service rehearsal on the Holy Week music. It was supposed to only take half an hour, but it felt like FOREVER. I was so anxious to get out of there because I desperately hoped to see CGFC and talk with him ... and ... hopefully talk some more ...
I was rushing to go and I felt frazzled! When we finally finished our last anthem, I was up and getting my things together while the choir director was still talking. I was aware that I was acting distractedly and rushed ... but I couldn't seem to calm down! AltoBuddy offered to give me a ride back to MySchool, and she was ready to go right then. I asked for a moment - mumbling something about either going to the bathroom before pardoning myself to go into the fellowship hall.
Praise the Lord! He was still there! But again, he was occupied (teaching others how to weave the palm leaves into perfect crosses ... another hidden talent of his)! In order to collect my thoughts from the rushed exit from the choir rehearsal before I approached him, I saw the pastor on the way, and I thanked her for the sermon. Just as I finished this short little chat with her, he was free. (Or at least, he'd finished helping the one person with her palm, and he wasn't talking to anyone.)
I greeted him as I approached, and we both smiled. He asked me if I needed a ride back to campus (like the last time I'd seen him). While perhaps I should have said, "Yes, that'd be great, thank you," I thanked him and said that AltoBuddy had offered already, but that I had wanted to talk with him.
"Doyouwanttogooutfordinnersometime?" I briskly blurted out, feeling quite nervous. I think he was a bit confused since my enunciation was not so clear and it was completely sudden and unexpected.
While he paused, I stammered on shyly, "Um ... I've never done this before ..." (I can't make eye contact, and please don't ask me to repeat my initial question. Lord, help me!)
And in that time that I stammered that additional sentence, he had paused and realized what I said. He continued to smile and said, "Yes." (Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Oh wait, it's still Lent and I'm not supposed to say that word!)
"Forgive me if I can't say this week, because it's Holy Week and I'm rather busy, but I'll be here this weekend. Maybe we could talk on Thursday and figure out a good time?" (Another Praise the Lord! He'll be here this weekend! It won't be another month until I see him again!)
"Sure, that'd be great," I shyly agreed.
"How was your trip?" He continued easily.
"Oh, it was wonderful," I gushed, "and I was hoping to tell you about it!" I knew I needed to get back to AltoBuddy since she was probably starting to get concerned about me.
"Well, I'll see you Thursday," I said, and we both smiled as I left.
*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* So ... God can take it from here. I do hope that CGFC and I will be able to figure out a time when both of us are free ... and ... I hope I didn't startle him too much with my sudden outburst. :-) But right now, I'm so giddy! It doesn't matter that it's gray and dreary outside or that my pretty daffodils from downtown are wilting and need to be thrown out ... I'm completely giddy!
(The only sad thing is ... Thursday ... when I next see him ... when we can talk about when/where to go ... marks ONE MONTH until I graduate. One month that this can develop until I return to HomeState, not knowing if I'll be able to get a job up here ... But I'm not going to think about that today. I'll think about it tomorrow, like Scarlett O'Hara. Today, I have to sing another service ... and do lots of work ... and fill out job applications ... and get ready for the rest of this week!)
He did indeed return today. I had not seen him since BEFORE I left for Spring Break ~ FIVE whole weeks ago. I saw him from afar before the service but didn't even get to make eye contact or say anything, even though he was actually standing on the other side of a large doorway at one point. During the service, I tried especially hard not to think about him so I didn't even glance in his direction at all. I was there to worship and minister, and I didn't want to be distracting myself.
After the service, I went into the fellowship hall and chatted with my "private detective," showing her and her husband pictures from my trip ... and noticing that CGFC was busy talking with others around him. I never had the chance to go over and say hello because we were rushed into an after-service rehearsal on the Holy Week music. It was supposed to only take half an hour, but it felt like FOREVER. I was so anxious to get out of there because I desperately hoped to see CGFC and talk with him ... and ... hopefully talk some more ...
I was rushing to go and I felt frazzled! When we finally finished our last anthem, I was up and getting my things together while the choir director was still talking. I was aware that I was acting distractedly and rushed ... but I couldn't seem to calm down! AltoBuddy offered to give me a ride back to MySchool, and she was ready to go right then. I asked for a moment - mumbling something about either going to the bathroom before pardoning myself to go into the fellowship hall.
Praise the Lord! He was still there! But again, he was occupied (teaching others how to weave the palm leaves into perfect crosses ... another hidden talent of his)! In order to collect my thoughts from the rushed exit from the choir rehearsal before I approached him, I saw the pastor on the way, and I thanked her for the sermon. Just as I finished this short little chat with her, he was free. (Or at least, he'd finished helping the one person with her palm, and he wasn't talking to anyone.)
I greeted him as I approached, and we both smiled. He asked me if I needed a ride back to campus (like the last time I'd seen him). While perhaps I should have said, "Yes, that'd be great, thank you," I thanked him and said that AltoBuddy had offered already, but that I had wanted to talk with him.
"Doyouwanttogooutfordinnersometime?" I briskly blurted out, feeling quite nervous. I think he was a bit confused since my enunciation was not so clear and it was completely sudden and unexpected.
While he paused, I stammered on shyly, "Um ... I've never done this before ..." (I can't make eye contact, and please don't ask me to repeat my initial question. Lord, help me!)
And in that time that I stammered that additional sentence, he had paused and realized what I said. He continued to smile and said, "Yes." (Praise the Lord! Hallelujah! Oh wait, it's still Lent and I'm not supposed to say that word!)
"Forgive me if I can't say this week, because it's Holy Week and I'm rather busy, but I'll be here this weekend. Maybe we could talk on Thursday and figure out a good time?" (Another Praise the Lord! He'll be here this weekend! It won't be another month until I see him again!)
"Sure, that'd be great," I shyly agreed.
"How was your trip?" He continued easily.
"Oh, it was wonderful," I gushed, "and I was hoping to tell you about it!" I knew I needed to get back to AltoBuddy since she was probably starting to get concerned about me.
"Well, I'll see you Thursday," I said, and we both smiled as I left.
*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!* So ... God can take it from here. I do hope that CGFC and I will be able to figure out a time when both of us are free ... and ... I hope I didn't startle him too much with my sudden outburst. :-) But right now, I'm so giddy! It doesn't matter that it's gray and dreary outside or that my pretty daffodils from downtown are wilting and need to be thrown out ... I'm completely giddy!
(The only sad thing is ... Thursday ... when I next see him ... when we can talk about when/where to go ... marks ONE MONTH until I graduate. One month that this can develop until I return to HomeState, not knowing if I'll be able to get a job up here ... But I'm not going to think about that today. I'll think about it tomorrow, like Scarlett O'Hara. Today, I have to sing another service ... and do lots of work ... and fill out job applications ... and get ready for the rest of this week!)
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