Therapy of music and friends

My boyfriend (our 10 month "anniversary" was last week) and I almost broke up last night. . Actually, we did break up ... but after a longer conversation, we decided to try to improve our situation. The problem? He has overcommitted himself to too many activities this semester. Because of my early-to-bed and early-to-rise schedule due to student-teaching (meaning I am off-campus 7:45-4:30, and I try to go to sleep by 11pm), our [small] windows of free time do not overlap- with the exception of a two hour block on Tuesdays. That two hour block inevitably shortens to about an hour because his class beforehand always runs late. Even he said last night, "Two hours a week is not a relationship."

I've been very understanding. This happened early on in our relationship (the no-time together problem), but he asked me to try again because he "needed" me. I decided I wanted to try again too, he tried harder to be there, and things were wonderful. But I've had a difficult time this semester and he has not been emotionally available or physically there. Boyfriend agreed that I had been extremely supportive and he said, "I know this is my fault, but ... this is gonna be my lifestyle. I don't have a clear career path with my major ... and you do. Yours is gonna be the 9-5 teaching job [so far it hasn't been 9-5, and when I'm actually teaching, I doubt it will be either!] and my hours just aren't going to be as set."

He's right. His lifestyle as a freelancer will not be stable. He'll go from short-term job to short-term job. I even recognize that his commitments this semester are really great for him-- he's making connections and getting his name and work out there. I'm proud of him for what he has accomplished. But ... if I'm thinking long-term ... I don't think that's the life I want. When married (which I do hope will happen someday), I don't just want to see my husband for rushed hours here and there. Plus, if we're blessed with children, I think I'd like the flexibility of a part-time job while they're young. If I have to be the breadwinner (or at least the one with a steady job with benefits for our family), that may not happen.

He's not comfortable talking about relationship stuff and especially not long-term plans. I'm just trying to think realistically -- am I going to job-search with him in mind? (He told me a few weeks ago not to do this.) Am I even interested in a long-term relationship yet? Especially when my career could go in any direction? I don't know if I want to be tied down. But- I don't know if I'd want the opportunity to be single again and meet more people and still face this problem when I graduate in May. Job opportunities are rare and extremely competitive in the area around CoolCity. As much as I've grown to love this area, do I really want to stay here? Or do I want to adventure somewhere else?

Some resolution: I told Boyfriend that I've felt like I was on the backburner, that I was no longer valued. I asked if he could call me in the evenings when he gets back from is commitments. (He's a quiet person and isn't much of a talker.) Even if I'm already asleep. Even if the conversation lasts for less than 5 minutes. Just to try to build up/maintain our connection which has already begun to dissipate. So I know that he's still thinking about me and that he still cares.

Some of his commitments will be over in 3 weeks. So I'm going to try to give this a month before I re-evaluate whether or not this is what I want. What we want. I love him and I don't want to give him up yet ... but I'm also hoping that I'm not making a mistake by prolonging this.

Now to the title of the post: BestFriend came to my church to hear me sing this morning. GirlTalk on the way back to MySchool. Then she and I attended a performance by CoolCity's Orchestra. Amazing. More GirlTalk on the way back. I met up with Clique whom I've hardly seen this semester for dinner and then attended a student recital on campus with them. After the therapy of music and friends, I feel better about this situation with Boyfriend for the time being.

Now-- off to go do a bulletin board and compile my student-teaching notebook. And sleep ~ hopefully soon. *sigh*