Unresolved issues?

Last night, I went to bed before 10 because I've been telling myself for weeks now that I need to get into a habit of getting more sleep. Boyfriend called right after midnight, and after some sleepily mumbled greetings and monosyllabic responses, we said goodnight and hung up.

This morning, I'm not sure if I was awoken by the bizarre and disturbing dream I had or if I simply remembered it because it made such an impression on me.

The dream: I was in my car, driving somewhere. I was in the left lane (headed straight) at a stoplight which was red. I was really upset about something. There was one car in front of me at this light. The light turned green, and the car in front of me zoomed off. And even though I saw that the light was green, I couldn't make myself hit the gas pedal. I couldn't move. I knew there were cars behind me and they were getting really annoyed. The car directly behind me honked. But I couldn't move. And the light turned red again.

All of a sudden, my next memory in the dream was that I had just entered some sort of department store-- along the lines of a Gabriel's or TJ Maxx or possibly a touristy store. I was still really upset about something, but I was trying to look at some clothing (brightly colored, pastels maybe?) and a few employees were gathered over at the check-out desk, chatting about something. One saw me and came over.

"Do you need any help?"

I answered, "Yes. My grandmother's really sick and she's in surgery right now. And she's dying." Then I guess I must have had some realization or something because I said, "She died. and I need help. I can't do this. I have to go. I need help."

I was so shaken as I was dreaming this. I don't even know what caused this. The grandmother I was referring to in the dream is the same grandmother who just passed away at the end of August. My favorite grandmother, with whom I was close. And maybe that's why I realized as I was dreaming that she was dead. My close friend's grandmother just underwent surgery on Wednesday, and I was really praying about it. Her grandmother is 91 years old (two years older than Grandmama) and I was so scared that she wouldn't survive and that my friend would have to go through the grief I felt about my own grandmother.

Sometimes, I'm not sure that I've really worked through it. She passed away a week before I was going to try to drive the 5 hours to see her. (Then visit for a few hours, then drive back to CoolCity.) Her death was unexpected. Sure, she was 89 and her health had been declining (although no diseases or anything, just old age catching up) since I'd returned home in May. My family drove the several hours to see her in July. My mom told us that it would probably be for the last time, since we wouldn't be able to make it up there again until possibly Thanksgiving. We weren't sure how much longer she would make it.

So I was determined that I would drive from CoolCity to Grandmama's the first week of MySchool's classes, but the week before I would begin my student-teaching. It was the week before this that she passed away. Much earlier than anticipated. And I was in CoolCity, isolated from family and friends. That weekend, I wasn't able to go home. And I would have gone home the following weekend, but my parents drove up to Grandmama's apartment to clear it out and sort out her estate.

So I haven't been home. Compound that with a community tragedy in CoolCity. Which I had to directly respond to, as a professional. Add stress issues with Boyfriend not being around (an entry earlier in this week, I haven't learned how to link back). And too many duty nights as an RA. Mix with anxiety over future career concerns and sleep deprivation. And voila! You have my current mental state. Or at least my mental state of last weekend. I am feeling better today. This week, in fact. The students and my colleagues at the school are fantastic -- I couldn't have asked for a better student-teaching placement. It's a really good thing I finally get to go home this weekend -- I've been away for almost 2 months. And I've had to deal with more [emotional demands] in these past two months than ever before.

Back to my dream -- bizarre and disconcerting. I still have a hard time believing that Grandmama is really gone. I was thinking about her last night before I fell asleep- but I've never dreamed about her before. In fact, I don't think I've ever had a dream quite like this one- where I felt completely out of control and I just couldn't do anything.