The Dawning

You know how when you're expecting something big to happen, you count down? You get excited? But it takes awhile for the reality of the big change to sink in?

Last night, it really hit me. Three weeks. Actually, it's less than 3 weeks now.

Last night was my final college chorus concert. It was on campus again ~ for the first time in about 2 years.

The concert went well ~ my choir's pieces were lovely. My voice teacher, a guest vocalist on a piece by one of the other choirs, sang beautifully. The combined choirs sang a mass which featured guest professional vocalists and some members of our school orchestra. The Agnus Dei peacefully concluded our concert. After much applause and many bows, we recessed out of the sanctuary.

As we were walking down the aisle- that's when it hit me. Sure, I'd been telling people all evening that this was my final concert here at MySchool ... but knowing while I was walking that this indeed was it ... and it was over ... It was all I could do to keep from crying. I went and picked up my coat, purse and umbrella, and I was able to collect myself in the few moments I took to bend down and retrieve my belongings. I pasted a smile on my face and went to greet those who had come to our concert.

I passed one of my friends, L, a girl who's in my degree program and will be graduating with me. She saw me and she saw through my smile. "Oh honey," she said, and I just continued to smile, although now it was more difficult.

I saw A, a good friend of mine (the guy with whom I exchange updates about our love lives), and he gave me a hug. And I started to lose it again. So I had to run to the entrance to the organ loft and wait there a few minutes until I could see people again without bursting into tears. (I heard my voice teacher talking nearby and I missed my chance to congratulate her on her performance and to say good night to her ... but I didn't want to go out there without having control of my emotions. Thankfully, I'll see her for a lesson tomorrow.)

Back on went the smile. I re-entered the sanctuary and waited to speak with my choir director. We embraced and I thanked her for the concert, and I think she knew how I was feeling too.

On my way out, I saw L again. I reassured her I was OK. She still knew better, of course, but she consoled me,

"Estrella, just think. The next concert that we have ~ we'll be conducting! We're moving on to better things." We talked for a few more moments before parting ways. And then I had to walk back to my building alone.

I did burst into tears when I got back into my room. I called a couple of friends to see if they wanted to do something since it was still relatively early. I wanted to spend time with people rather than sit alone and dwell on the upcoming changes. The friends I called weren't up for going out or hanging out... so I resigned myself to the thought that I might as well get ready for bed early.

Then my girls stopped by. I love my residents ... they invited me to watch a movie in the lounge ... and I did that while working on the gift for BestFriend's bridal shower. It wasn't such a sad and lonely night after all. Still, I sense my heart is a little heavy because time refuses to slow down. I'll graduate before I know it. My life will change drastically before I know it. I'm not resistant to the change, and I don't dread it ... I do believe I'm ready for the next big life adventure ... but I'm finding it difficult now to embrace the thought of it as I prepare for the unknown future ... and as I prepare to say goodbye to the past 4 years of my life.